"Hello. I am 43 years old. I recently broke up with my civil husband on my own initiative. And recently I accidentally found out that he is trying to start a new relationship. Feelings flared up in me and I decided to restore the relationship.
I wrote to him, and he responded. I was so worried and nervous because he was looking for a new woman, that she made all the possible mistakes: she began to recall past problems, blame him for them, then explain herself to love and ask to restore relationships.
He first went to the contact, and then closed, stopped responding to letters and calls. In this case, his novel continues to evolve, while only by correspondence. I know that he began to communicate with her only after our break; they studied together and have not seen each other for 20 years. I think he just knocks the wedge.
Tell me how to fix my mistakes? How to restore a relationship? The situation is complicated by the fact that we live in different cities. ”
Polina, Saransk
Psychologist's answer:
I admit, I was surprised that from your letter I did not understand why and why you want to return your ex-husband (albeit a civil one). The only hint that I saw is: "I recently found out by chance that he was trying to make a new relationship. Feelings flared up in me." Do I understand correctly that the basis of your desire to return a man is his desire to develop relationships with other women?
Then I have two ideas: 1. The man stopped worrying you and was of interest to you, so you decided to end the relationship, but when it turned out that he might be of interest to someone else, you doubted: “Wasn’t I mistaken ?!” ; or 2. You have leaped into the feeling of ownership: "I just left him, he must suffer, and he, you see, has already found a new one!"
If at least one of these versions is close to reality, then very important questions you need to ask yourself: What do I want to do? Do I really want to destroy my life and the life of my ex-husband only from jealousy or my own insecurity? What do I want to achieve by returning it? And then what will happen: our relationship will change, or am I ready to return what I have left?
These questions, first of all, will give you the opportunity to think about yourself, about your desires and needs. And if you reflect, you will still remain in deep confidence that you want to return your man from sincere feelings for him and confidence that you can make him happy, then you need to conduct a thorough self-examination.
You write that you want to "correct mistakes", but you do not know how. I can not answer this question, because only you know all the answers. Moreover, I can not even send you, because I have no idea about the errors you are talking about. You may even know how to correct some errors, but you are unsure if this will help.
And here I want to say: for you, first of all, you need to analyze the mistakes that you made and make in your relationship, the consequences of these mistakes, the alternative to your behavior (that is, "How can I behave differently to avoid or minimize these mistakes? ") and start to behave differently with your ex-husband. But you know what is most important here? You need to do this not to make it back! You need to do this for your future happiness, for your self-development, and the man himself will decide whether or not to return to you new! To you who have become the best! To you, respecting yourself!
Perhaps this will be the most difficult for you to realize that you cannot control and manage your ex-husband and his decisions, because this him solutions and him a life!
If you have questions or any comments, please contact me by e-mail listed on my page on the site (see the signature at the end of the answer). You may want to discuss your feelings, emotions and desires in more detail. In this case, you can arrange an internal consultation in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time.
Consultant Psychologist Ksenia Terentyeva
