According to a study by the Institute of Demography and Marriages, 42% of divorced couples named the reason for divorce: stress in moral, psychological and emotional relations. In other words - alienation. Surprisingly, according to the same statistics, people get married much later, think about their step. So why is it difficult for a husband and wife to be together? Why do not they save their happiness, and fall short of the moment when the "tension" is already becoming unbearable? Perhaps knowing the causes of conflicts and quarrels will help find those holes into which family happiness is flowing.
The good news is that tons of literature have been written about the causes of family conflict. The bad news: couples continue to divorce. It is unlikely that people get married in order to feel unhappy the next day. Then why does this feeling come over time?
The sadness is that we carefully study the cake recipe, learn how to water the tomatoes and understand the instructions for the new gadget. And about the instructions for family happiness, we forget. Of course, there are absolutely no reasons for conflicts in the world. But many of them follow the same scenario. One of my favorites: the ideal I, the ideal partner in a perfect marriage.
5 myths about the perfect couple
Many of us have an idea of ideal family relationships. And they begin with the words of the fairy tale "... and they lived happily ever after." The tales wanted to give us some hope for a beautiful future. And we believed that all the tests had already been completed before the wedding, and after it the cloudless future began.
We agree at once: there is no perfect marriage. Like the perfect partner. Although often we idealize not only fairy tales or book romantic stories, but also the lives of our parents. Why is the expectation of the ideal of something dangerous? It gives rise to many myths (read - cockroaches).
Myth 1. Nobody slam the door in a good family, all conflicts and misunderstandings are cleared up by themselves.
Such a picture enchants, gives hope for a "healthy" family relationships. Therefore, subconsciously, we perceive any disagreement as a threat to family happiness. We fear negative emotions, bargain, dodge, do everything to negotiate and avoid conflict. This is bad. Since a good quarrel gives us the opportunity to know each other, to find points of contact, and not to pour out the negative and discontent on the head of another person. Of course, even in a properly structured and constructive conflict, one doesn’t have to wait for fun. But to avoid disappointments, suspicions and bitter experiences, avoiding confrontation, will not succeed.
Myth 2. You can not hurt the one you love
It’s one thing to take care of your partner’s feelings. The other is to accumulate negatives in oneself, to be afraid that the other person will not endure your experiences. If in the first case you can see a lot of love and care, then in the other there is a strong tension. The fact is that we get married with our luggage, with our history, views on life and childhood injuries. History can not be changed or deleted. But you can help each other change and grow. And for this you have to get close, make some concessions, survive the pain. Joint pain can be the best teacher. She will teach you to be strong, to appreciate all the good and success in life. And also - take care of the other person's feelings and act with love.
Worry? 2 tips to help you:
Tip 1: Try to explain to a partner the reason for a bad mood or breakdown. The phrase: "I'm sorry I'm angry, I'm very tired today" will relieve tension.
Tip 2: Do not take someone else's anger on your account. Anger is a situational reaction that does not change love.
Myth 3. In an ideal family, everyone loves each other 24 hours a day.
When a man and a woman get married, it seems that they will finally do everything together: wake up, fall asleep, have dinner and walk with the dog. The first time it happens, but it cannot go on forever. Are you ashamed that you want to drink tea alone? Or go without the company of the beloved halves? How is it that love really cracked? Marriage is not a cure for loneliness. Communication, interaction, intimacy between spouses is not constant. And anger, rivalry, irritation, detachment - this is also part of love. Every person wants to be alone. This is normal. It is important to allow it to yourself, then it will be permissible for the other to close in his own shell.
Myth 4. In an ideal family, everything is solved by compromise.
Or rather: a compromise is not always a solution when both partners are satisfied and happy. Psychologists are generally confident that the cause of conflict No. 1 is a constant compromise that creates unnecessary tension. Psychotherapists urge to discuss, argue, value the opinion of another person, but not forget about your own. There is no truth. It’s impossible to buy half a car and half a fur coat. Sometimes you can deliberately make a concession to the partner was happy. But do not stoop to the auction "you to me, I - to you." If you still decide to give in, do it sincerely. After all, in a psychological sense, you will still win.
Myth 5. In an ideal family, partners love each other as they are.
Classroom observation: "When a woman gets married, she thinks that a man will change, but he does not change. When a man gets married, he thinks that a woman will not change, but she changes." Both husband and wife are changing in marriage, you need to take this into account. But how and when this will happen is impossible to predict. We marry because the chosen one attracts us. Making the decision to get married, think about who your elect is going to become in the future. And do not think how you want to see it. It is difficult to live with each of us. While you expect a change from a spouse, try changing at least one habit in yourself. This will improve the situation as a whole, and perhaps inspire your soul mate to change.
2 recipes for imperfect but happy couples
Conflicts, quarrels, swearing - a sign of living and developing relationships in the family.
But one thing - familiarize yourself with the general classification, and quite another - find out the causes of conflict in your single family.
Recipe 1. Make the TOP-5 of the main reasons and supplement it with secondary ones. Better to do it together.
Example: Causes of conflict in the family ...
- Vacation
- Girlfriends / friends
- Finance distribution ...
Such an understanding will help not to wind up every time, once on slippery ground, but to stop the quarrel. Take a break Calm down. Return to the discussion later. Because the decision does not always come immediately. It is necessary that it matured.
Second thing - pay attention to how you express each other reasons for discontent.
Recipe 2. Try to change your behavior during a conflict.
Example: after a quarrel, you play silence, sulking, waiting for your partner to take the first step. Try to talk to your soul mate. Just explain the reasons for your dissatisfaction, ask for advice, ask for forgiveness if you are wrong.
It seems to you that something is wrong with you. because you are quarreling? Think not fit each other? Exhale, there are no perfect families. The causes of conflict will always be. And the ability to quarrel - just magic glue, which makes the relationship stronger.
