A conflict situation is an indication that partners do not care. When all the same - it's too late. And while there is a mood to quarreling, figuring out, solving and reconciling, this can and should be done. How we bring ourselves and our partner to a conflict situation is more or less clear. But few are able to elegantly conduct this war.
What is a conflict situation
A conflict situation is a clash of interests of different people, provoked by real or contrived reasons. Real causes lead to meaningful conflicts and relate to a particular object or state. Partners are aware of their differences, but the forces spend on finding solutions. Fictitious causes provoke conflicts of relationships that arise against the background of the desire to complain, quarreling, quarreling or simply mumbling. They do not require a solution, but make it possible to let off steam.
Scientists and psychologists know that couples who cannot quarrel are incapable. An exception can be considered candy - kissing period, but it passes quickly. And what about Romeo and Juliet, you ask? High feelings, romance, adoration? In psychology, there is such a notion of "romantic love" that exists only in two forms. The first is the ideal relationship without a single cloud in the sky. The second - an enthusiastic gentleman sings serenades over the windows of the castle, the lady sits in this lockbox, as a result, they never meet or cannot build further relationships. That's the whole story.
Planning a common future with a partner? We'll have to learn to quarrel like all normal people.
Rule 1. Remember: all quarrel
Do not compare your family with cinema characters or popular couples from Instagram. Do not be equal to the imaginary ideal relationship of friends, relatives. Who knows what they have behind the scenes. It will be much more useful to listen to yourself. What do you feel after an argument? Yielded or found a compromise? If after a quarrel you have found the strength to make peace, then the relationship is alive and real.
Everybody quarrels. Another thing is how partners do it. Do they have tact, sympathy, empathy, simple human courtesy towards a loved one? Because many people make the main mistake, which makes resolving conflict situations an impossible task.
Rule 2. Do not hit below the belt.
What irreparable mistake many make? Find a vulnerable point in the partner and beat him right into it. It helps to win the argument, but puts another nail in the coffin for a relationship. Close people open to another their secret secrets. If you want to build a family with a person or just keep a good relationship, remember the main rule: learn about his pain points just to never touch them. Neither accidentally nor intentionally. And even more so not to use as an argument in the conflict.
Managing a conflict situation is impossible with mutual humiliation, insult or humiliation. It is better to forget for the time of the quarrel how many offensive nicknames or snide comparisons you have accumulated. At the time of the "explosion" to do it is difficult. In order not to bring yourself to a critical situation, you need to analyze your behavioral triggers in advance.
Rule 3. Analyze your triggers.
Triggers are situations, emotions, people, any stimuli to which we react inadequately emotionally. If you are too annoyed by a minor conflict situation, an example of such a reaction lies somewhere in the peel of the subconscious. So deep that you don’t remember him, but the brain reacts too violently. For example, in childhood you were constantly scolded for being late. You have grown, but you get angry every time another person is late for a meeting, even for a minute. Even if he is always late, you still seethe with anger.
Why do you need to study your behavioral triggers? This will help prepare for the situation in advance. If you are to meet with a non-punctual companion, do not try to be late yourself, this will make you angry even more. Take with you a book that you have long been planning to read, listen to your favorite music. Then it will be easier to take control of the conflict situation and move from accusations to “I” - messages.
Rule 4. Talk about your feelings.
The charge usually begins with the word "YOU". This forces the opponent to aggressively defend in response. The reverse wave, mutual accusations begin, and even then the resolution of conflict situations is not possible. It's easier to start a conversation with a message about your own experiences or feelings. For example, instead of the phrase "you never watch a child" say "I worry about the baby when you are distracted by telephone conversations during a walk."
Of course, if you were silent for 5 years, and after that you decided to express your feelings, you are unlikely to achieve a good result. From the first and second time you are unlikely to be heard. Just because your couple has no such practice: to tell and listen. But even in case of failure it is worth trying again, so that the old grievances do not poison the common life.
Rule 5. Focus on solving a problem here and now.
Sometimes we avoid conflict, considering that we were able to resolve the situation with "peace." Memory is like a suitcase where all past insults are packed. While the suitcase is lightweight, we pull it ourselves. But when he is overflowing, he is trying to charge this burden on his partner, starting the phrase with the words: "do you remember, 15 years ago at our wedding ...". Whatever happens there, the past situation cannot be rectified, but this relationship will be complicated. Deferred rage expressions do not choose. In the heat of clearing up the accumulated claims, you can talk such things that you cannot collect fragments. Did we want this?
What are dangerous deferred quarrels? They destroy relationships a bit. Therefore, in a situation here and now it is so important not to miss the moment of irritation. If you want to bang a cup on the table and shout "yes, you are not listening to me!", It is better to do it now, and not to postpone the scandal for the future. Perhaps the partner will hear you, and you cool down. Then you can use the conflict to develop relationships.
Rule 6. End the clash not with concessions, but with cooperation
A common example of a conflict situation: one side stresses, the second leaves (cries, runs away, feels bad). This is a concession. There is another development option. It is not too common in our culture, but effective: no one is inferior, both sides listen to each other, analyze available resources, come to a common decision. This is a collaboration.
Collaboration is the work of two parties and true creative action. In order to turn it into a constructive side, you need to remember common goals, carefully show your emotional reactions, sincerely want to find an acceptable solution. This is aerobatics. But you can learn it if you learn from the professionals.
Rule 7. Look for examples of conflict situations and their solutions in books and films.
Of course, some domestic examples can be found in popular TV shows. But they are rarely taken seriously. But serious art is completely built on conflict. Copyright or conceptual movies do not have to look "at gunpoint", because it is fashionable. You can follow the dialogues, track exactly which phrases and techniques help the heroes find a compromise.
A lawyer is another profession, the representative of which “the dog was eaten” on the decisions of disagreements. To get acquainted with the work of law does not necessarily sit in court meetings. There are more than a dozen films and art books, which set out the actual conflict situations, examples of their elegant and effective resolution. Here you rarely find a cleverly twisted plot with heroes without fear and without reproach. But all the stories are true, because they are written about the lives of ordinary people.
A conflict situation is a resource similar to atomic energy. If you thoughtlessly pull the rope, you can disperse the family, love, and future into small pieces. But it is worthwhile to approach the situation wisely and the correct management of a conflict situation will help to reach a new level of mutual understanding. Then we open the old boil, demolishing a dilapidated building to build a new one.
