To some, this question may seem more than strange, but a thousand people around the world still ask them - how to love your child? Why do parents think that love is not enough?
Why do children complain about their loneliness and sense of uselessness? And is it ok to be childfree? There are a lot of questions, and psychology has found answers to one degree or another.
Love for children - what is it?
What does it mean to love a child? Today, a lot of talk and write about unconditional love.
This is the value and ideal of time, in a sense, its philosophical characteristic. They say and write a lot, but do all parents understand what it is?
Unconditional love call full acceptance of your loved one. It is not easy, it requires work on oneself, certain spiritual forces.
This means that your child is your main love not because he diligently plays the violin, he has beautiful brown eyes or because he is the smartest in the class.
Unconditional love is the total acceptance of a person as it is, simply because he is your person. In this case, it is a complete adoption of the child, because you gave birth to him.
This is a matter of your life: from a small seed to grow a personality. And you do not impose your own vision of an ideal child on your own child, but you accept your descendant in his present appearance - not the most ideal, not always able to do what you expect from him.
And also: love is an active feeling. It prompts: you love is not just when you look out of the window, as your cute baby is playing in the sandbox.
Love - This is when you yourself equip a sandbox in your yard, so as not to go to a stranger, so that your child does what he really likes, and that is why he was happy.
Why does the baby say that nobody loves him?
Everything is simple here - he does not feel love in the sense of the word in which he understands it.
Let the child is still a growing organism, still silly in your vision, but child's soul is sensitive to deception, false.
And if he complains about the absence of love, it means that your manifestations of this feeling do not coincide with his expectations.
If you tell your child that you are plowing like a horse for him so that he would study at the gymnasium and dress decently, eat well and have a smartphone, he will not feel the rush of your love, but feel guilty.
Much more than your external efforts, he needs a completely tangible sense of his worth. Not this formula: I'm trying so hard for you, I squeeze all my strength out of myself, but you don't appreciate it.
The child perceives it differently: I gave birth to you, I laid my life on you, neither strength, nor health, nor rest, but you are ungrateful. So he is not happy for you? Did you give him birth to make your life worse?
All works, efforts, plowing, making money are insignificant, if it is exhausting you so much that you don’t find time in a day to hug your child, praise, say about your love. He must feel that he makes you happy simply by the very fact of his existence.
Psychology and causes
Who are these people who do not like children? Certainly very Much lies in your own childhood. But this does not mean that some psychotrauma cannot be corrected. Work on yourself - do not live in the captivity of your own delusions:
Childfree
Why I do not like children? There are many options. Maybe you do not know how to love?
Did you have a model when you were loved? Loved, but betrayed. Loved, but left the family. Loved only small.
There are many options, and you do not want to repeat it in your life again. This fear forbids you to love children.. So fear needs to be removed. Is it possible - yes. Go to a psychologist, get out of yourself what blocks for you the most important part of life.
I do not like children and do not want to give birth to them. Childfrey are different. No need to argue with them, regret, prove the opposite. Many people sincerely do not understand why, by all means, they need to have a family and children.
They know how to enjoy life without it. But if such childfree now read these lines, it means not everything is clear - means, they doubt the normality of such a position. Therefore, read the paragraph above. And understand yourself.
Mad at the offspring
This is not a pathology. Not everyone loves children and is considered the beautiful creation of every child. This does not negate the fact that you will truly love yours. Another thing, if you project your dislike on someone else's child - that is, demonstrate it.
It is not necessary to clap your hands touchingly, seeing the neighbour's robust fellow. But if his parents notice that you don’t like him at all, this is overkill. There is a reason to delve into yourself.
I can not love my child
This is often happens to young moms.
And, unfortunately, this is the first sign of postpartum depression.
Painful childbirth or difficult period of the first months of a child’s life could be a shock to a woman: and it is so strong that it does not allow it to be reconstructed, to realize the happiness of what happened.
If parents do not like an already grown child The reasons may also be different. Perhaps they do not like one child in contrast with another - the first smart, talented, cheerful. A second star from the sky is not enough, two words can not connect, and not the cutest.
But it's not about the child, but about your high expectations.. He is what he is, and he deserves your love simply by the fact of his birth: the very birth of a child is like a guarantee for him that he will be loved. Throw off the load of your own hopes from a person who is just growing, just living his life.
Why do some parents dislike their children? The most frequent reason - they were not loved, and this experience, this model, migrated into their lives. It's hard to love when you don't know how. Many parents are childish, even though they themselves do not realize it.
The child prevented their life plans: they threw up responsibility for the innocent child for not graduating from the university, not finding a good job, not living for themselves ...
But more truthfully like this: the child knocked you out of his rut, and you did not want to make the effort to go on the other. A huge number of parents received education with a child in their arms, he was their engine and motivator.
Husband or boyfriend does not want to have offspring
Again, maybe he doesn’t know how to love it.
Analyze what kind of relationship was in his own family. Show him unobtrusively how good the child is when dad pays attention to him.
The fact of paternity does not immediately reach many men: but if it was the father who helped the baby take the first steps, if, under Dad's guidance, the child learned to hold a spoon and collect the pyramid, the rare father would not receive his dose of happiness and pride.
In men, in principle this feeling of love for children is not so strongly developed - I mean that woman's desire to smile at the kid on the street, to stroke an unfamiliar child on the head.
Many men for the first time experience affection as a child only when they have their own.
BUT putting a badge of a bad guy on a young guy is just silly - although, if he vigorously expresses his negative, there is reason to think.
These are neurotic problems that can say that a person does not know how to love, he is focused on himself and a stranger is not a value for him.
Why do fathers not love their children? And there are many reasons: for example, the child is unwanted. This happens if the child became the reason for marriage. Sometimes a parent loses love for a child when divorced from his mother.
Remember that love is also gift, talent, work, effort. Not all people grow up, many live and literally bask in their infantilism and unwillingness to answer not only for someone, but even for their own lives.
Do I need to show feelings?
Trite - but then for this they were born.
In order for a person to grow up healthy, and not a neurotic with a bunch of problems, he needs experience in love. He will build very many things in the future on the basis that was laid in childhood.
Love nourishes she gives the child confidence, determines the very essence of its existence.
And it is expressed not in the high cost of toys and the coolness of organizing a children's birthday, but in the daily attention - the most expensive thing you can give him is your time. As it is wisely noticed: for a good upbringing, the child spend less money on him, but more time.
Childfrey, pregnancy: "Pros and Cons." Psychology:
Unloved children - consequences
The worst consequence - this is the inability and unwillingness to love yourself, which they carry along with them in life.
This unloved child will feel guilty: this feeling pushes one to aggression, another to fear people and the world as a whole, and the third to desire to prove something about yourself all of their lives.
In a word growing neuroticwho spend their lives fighting windmills will deny themselves happiness.
Unloved children - causes and consequences:
Psychology tips
If you were not loved as a child, it does not mean that you will not learn. Try to change yourself and the usual, stereotyped attitude to things. The main thing is to want a change.
What if the baby is annoying?
Start by saying that this is your problem, not the child. He is what he is.
He has a small life experience to change in favor of people.
Mark inside yourself specifically what you do not like. Consider whether this can be done and, finally, and whether it should be done. Do you want to customize it for yourself? Are you sure it will be good for him?
Trust him - listen at least once without interrupting, without teaching. If heartbeat is not practiced in your family, this is your big parental omission.
Look at your child - this is your creation, in it exactly 50% of you and 50% of the person whom you once loved so much.
He did not ask for his birth - You promised to love him, because you gave birth to him. Do you really not want to love what you have created? You may have problems with self-esteem and self-perception.
How to love a child? Find out from the video:
How to take it for what it is?
You got a little man, absolutely helpless and non-viable without an adult near. You taught him to walk, eat, talk, read, you gave him a whole world.
Where is the point when you stopped? When you exhaled and said - well, that's enough, now you yourself. Why did this happen?
Even at twelve, he's just a kid. He learned to be bold and learns worse than the son of a girlfriend. He is awkward, does not want to read books and sits on the tablet for hours. But, here is an amazing thing, there are no children who do not need anything.
There are no children who do not want to learn - knowledge is the basic need of the child at the physiological level, the key to survival. But he stumbled into the tablet and does not want to communicate with you, not because such an adult made the choice, they say, I am such a person, I do not need anyone and nothing, you all go ...
He simply does not know how to designate otherwise that he is: lonely, he is not heard, they are not genuinely interested in them, etc. He is still small to carry his pain. But you are old enough to understand your child.
Do not give up - work. The main thing is to want to help him and not be afraid to demonstrate his love. She is needed by all people on earth, and a twelve-year-old too.
How to love a foster baby?
This is a problem of another kind: you need to prepare for such parenting.
And when the child is already in the family, understand - he is yours. The way it is. And you should learn to love him for the same fact as your own. Love you for being with us.
One simple example. Belarusian actor Pavel Kharlanchuk brings up two adopted children and three relatives. The adopted boy did not take root in the family for a long time, and once he said - take me to my grandmother, I do not want to live with you.
The parents, exhausted by a lack of understanding of the situation, did just that: if you want, come on, it will be better for you. And it was almost reaching the grandmother, the father stopped the car. He saw the frightened eyes of a child, the awareness of the inevitable and, in fact, undesirable.
Paul said to his son: “Well what are you ... Well, how do we give you up? We will not give you to anyone, because you are our son. We love you. We will not give up our child to anyone. ”. And turned the car. The wall was broken. The boy saw the love that every child needs on earth.
How to love a foster child? Tips in this video:
What to do if the son or daughter does not love mom?
Probably, you have high expectations. The forms of manifestation of love are different - and to guess the one you need, the child still needs to learn.
Remember that children do not follow our words, but our examples. There is nothing to bring up: they will still repeat everything after us.
Are you sure that you show him your love? Not caring, feeding and filling the closet with things, namely love?
Love for a child is also a physiological need. But it is difficult for him to show his love for his mother too demanding, rude, not tolerating actions not following his own pattern.
And it will be difficult to make even an adult. Perhaps for you the manifestations of his love - this is the perfect diary and clean room? And did you once shrugged off embraces or hurried to open them?
Love is happiness to be together, tenderness, touches, smiles, care, attention, and not a desire to please mom's expectations, no matter what.
Understand yourself. It happens that even a very grown-up person suddenly understands - he does not know anything about love, but he is ready to learn.
Why does the child not love you? The main problem of dislikes:
