It so happens that because of utter nonsense, the family idyll between a husband and wife, or mutual understanding between a girl and a boy, disappears.
And there seems to be no objective reasons for discord, but quarrels pile up like a snowball, originating from scratch.
Causes of disagreement
Why have relations with a man spoiled?
One single mistake or misdeed on the part of a partner can not cause discord in relationship.
Fleeting quarrels (even if they were accompanied by a stormy showdown) are completely erased from memory. And if the relationship is cracked, then the reason is hidden much deeper.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
This sin many couples. They do not want to accept the fact that men and women think / do / feel differently.
And if the wife is used to showing her tenderness to her spouse in public, calling him with tender words and penetrating into the eyes with a heartfelt look, then the spouse simply cannot afford to show emotions in public without detriment to her status.
And the woman, not receiving a response, thinks that her husband does not love her enough. Here is a ready reason for insult. And if you consider that such a scenario repeated regularly?
Crashed rose-colored glasses
Entering a relationship, all people try put yourself in a good light and seem better than they really are.
Therefore, men harbor illusions about their chosen ones, representing them almost fabulous creatures.
But sooner or later the illusions shattered about harsh reality (especially if the lovers come under one roof).
Now a man notices some strange and stupid habits of a woman, sees her without a haircut and a beautiful outfit, sometimes in a bad mood or sick.
The man, having got acquainted with the princess, was simply not ready to see a real woman in her and gave in to routine and difficulties.
Selfish / ka
If the family has an egoist who does not want to work on himselfthen such a family is doomed to failure. Entering a relationship, a person must be ready for life for two.
Now the interests of the couple / family are put in the head, putting personal interests in the background. And if one of the partners pulls the blanket over himself, sooner or later the relationship will end.
Change roles
The man is a defender and getter, strong and brave.
Woman - keeper of the hearth and ally, gentle and wise. It happened historically.
And such a sample of full-fledged relations is transmitted to us by films, books, advertisements and examples of friends. Therefore, people, even advocating for gender equality, very often adhere to traditional family view.
Therefore, many men painfully tolerate the fact that a woman earns more and defends the family’s rights in the face of problems, and at home at this time the stove and pans are dusty.
The representative of the stronger sex, even being fully provided by the woman and not knowing the needs, will feel depressed, humiliated and unhappy.
Another option is possible. Man passive and gladly gives the woman the role of the head and protector of the family (financially and householdly). The woman performs the role assigned to her, but at the same time despises her boyfriend / spouse.
A guy / spouse, feeling such an attitude to his person, behaves like accordingly position of a dependent person, overwhelming aggression towards a woman.
Different views
To get along and enjoy communication, partners must have points of contact.
These can be shared beliefs, values, hobbies or professional moments.
What do the PhD and a convinced feminist talk with a mechanic and a supporter of the patriarchal system? They just there will be no common talking points (and attempts to find these topics will lead to arguments and irritation).
Passion subsides, the external component will no longer excite the imagination. Partners will understand that they are from different worlds, and relationships will fail.
Who is to blame for resentment and alienation?
Quarrel is a kind of bonfire. And for the fire you need fuel and fire. Without one of these elements, it does not flare up. Also in the case of insults / quarrels / alienation. Two people are involved in the process. The altercation is as follows:
- premise (words, actions or situations that are a true grain of negative and accumulate in the form of resentment / dissatisfaction with a partner);
- catalyst (usually it is a petty quarrel with a FALSE motive that leads to the disclosure of deep-seated problems);
- acute stage (directly the quarrel, accompanied by TRUE reproaches);
- conflict resolution (the parties agree, put forward their demands and accept the requirements of the partner);
- emotional recovery (each of the partners feels uncomfortable at contact with his beloved person, and at the same time internally experiences what happened, trying to “put everything on the shelves”).
False reproach - This is a reproach for minor actions that cause irritation against the background of deep dissatisfaction with a partner.
True reproach - it is a reproach for actions, words or behavior that causes the very dissatisfaction.
So, for example, the family does not disintegrate due to dirty cups or scattered socks.
But such reproaches can be a real reason for enmity between spousesif the husband deeply despises his wife for her love of gossip and talkativeness, and the wife does not consider her husband as courageous and worthy.
They can not express it in the eyes of each other, so they are limited to household "pricks".
If the partners do not bring the quarrel to its logical conclusion (the settlement of the conflict), then the offenses only multiply from saying each other in the heat of the offensive words and unresolved problems.
And it seems that life is gradually returning to the usual rut, the man and the woman again begin to communicate, laugh, kiss and spend time together. But there is already a grain of negativity insidewhich will make itself known during a trifling quarrel.
Tips for women psychologists: how to improve relationships?
With a guy on the verge
First of all, a woman should decide whether she wants to maintain a relationship with a man.
And only after answering this important question can you take decisive action.
But how to help yourself make a decision?
- Take a break. For a while, go to your mom / girlfriend / sister / to rest. After a while, there will be either a feeling of longing for a loved one, or a feeling of freedom and lightness.
- Pour out feelings on paper. Thoughts are confused, feelings interrupt each other, and chaos ensues. From this lump rolls up to the throat and does not allow to speak, to solve the problem and find a compromise. To bring the head in order, it is necessary to pour out your feelings on the paper, to describe the claims to the man and the cause of the offenses. So it will become clear which of the reproaches are true, which are false, and which appeared as a result of played fantasy.
- Speak out. When insults are in the head, they seem to be "very heavy". But it is only to speak out loudly his complaints about the man, how to become ashamed of such silly and ridiculous reasons for quarreling. Therefore, it is important not to save the negative inside, but to express it. For this, a girlfriend, sister, hairdresser or manicurist, psychologist and any person who is ready to listen will do.
But with the mother to discuss the guy / spouse is not worth it. Otherwise, even after your relationship with your beloved will improve, the mother will not like your chosen one.
If the desire to maintain the relationship has not disappeared, you can proceed to action:
- Admit your guilt. You can juggle claims against each other as much as you like. But the fact remains that both partners are offended. And each of the partners in their own fault. Therefore, it is important for women to be wiser and admit their guilt in order to make contact. After all, the one who lost the battle can win the war. In the war for a happy relationship.
- Listen and take criticism adequately. It makes no sense to interrupt the partner, playing the game "who will list more shortcomings of another." If you can listen to a partner and understand the cause of his behavior (which is so annoying), then you can solve the problem. It is possible that every evening he goes to visit a friend not because he misses his beloved society, but because at home you take out his anger on him because of constant conflicts with his boss. Thus, he is simply trying to wait out the “storm” outside his home. And if a woman is able to accept the fact of her imperfection, admit that she breaks down on her beloved due to problems, then the problem will be corrected and the young man will stop leaving the house, because they will no longer take out his anger on him.
- No need to save grievances and create "taboo topics." Insincerity (especially when clarifying relationships) kills the shared future. She anchor hangs on lovers, giving a negative color even the happiest moments. Therefore, you should not avoid difficult topics, save grievances and carry out plans for revenge in the style of "how to teach a boyfriend / husband a lesson."
- Speak nice things and keep tactile contact. Resentment kills any desire to compliment, hug and kiss a person. We persist in looking at a loved one through the prism of its negative. But if you do not give spiritual warmth the opportunity to re-warm themselves between people, relationships can be lost forever.
After all, if people do not show tenderness to each other for a long time, their whole experience of communication boils down to disassembly and conflict.
- Smile. A smile is the best cure for family discord. Rejoice trifles. Smile beloved man when meeting, children on the street, the shop assistant in the store and the flower in the flowerbed. So inside the sun will appear, which can warm not only yours, but also his heart.
- Do not rush and do not rush. Do not wait for results here and now. After all, if the relationship is already on the verge, it means that this was preceded by a long series of conflicts and a period of estrangement. One conversation or warm hugs do not block all this negative. There is a long and difficult work to restore lost confidence, respect and comfort.
With my husband after a strong quarrel
If the quarrel was very emotional and serious, truce won't put everything in its place.
It will be more of a formality. And your behavior after a quarrel will determine whether you can survive this conflict "without loss."
- Apologize. A lot of unpleasant things happen during an argument. Screams, rudeness and taunts, reproaches and insults. Some may even temporarily blurt out too much, which they will later regret for a long time. In order not to deal a serious blow to your partner, apologize immediately after the “truce”. It does not matter who was to blame for the conflict. Apologies should bring at least for their behavior and words during an argument. And if you said something very offensive, do not hope that your loved one missed the words. It is better to honestly say that you really do not think so, and just lost control of the situation.
- To forgive is to forgive. If you have already forgiven a man, you can’t raise old grievances again as an argument in every dispute. There may be a feeling that a man does not deserve forgiveness. This feeling is deceptive.
And if you again raise the already resolved question, the man will no longer want to work on himself and apologize to you, because you do not know how to forgive, and his efforts are meaningless.
- Does not diverge in different angles. After a quarrel, the air around it seems to be electrified, and the partners feel uneasy when communicating. To restore harmony, you need to spend time together. You can watch a movie, take a walk, go shopping or have dinner.
- Listen and look closely. Misunderstanding - the cause of all quarrels. Be attentive to your partner. But do not think out for him. Do not dismiss requests and suggestions, and also try to understand how this or that request is important to him.
What to do if a person does not make contact and does not want to communicate?
If a man does not make contact, try to put pressure on him - futile strategy. The pity he will experience will become a man. The best you can do:
- give time to think things over;
- always be “within reach” (support if necessary, do not disappear and periodically make contact);
- do not rush;
- do not set conditions;
- do not try to manipulate (especially through his mother);
- work on yourself and analyze your behavior and current situation.
Quarrels in a relationship - this is normal. The most important thing is to be able to stop in time and understand that the won dispute is not worth the spoiled mood of a loved one.
After all, a wise woman knows that gently giving in and carefully instructing is not a weakness, but real art.
How to improve relations with a man? Find out about this from the video:
