In this article I will talk about one of the most important things that I learned from my practice. This principle, in my opinion, is the basis art of living. It is both simple and complex. Its simplicity lies in the fact that it is universal and is applicable absolutely to any life situations. Only guided by one single principle, a person can learn to be happy and overcome any problems in their path. But there is also complexity. Understanding, experienced comprehension of what is the art of life, it is quite difficult to achieve. In this article I will tell you the essence of this universal principle, which literally permeates all my articles.
Man on ice
Meditation allowed me to see all my vices and shortcomings, forming a desire to change for the better, overcoming my own weaknesses. As soon as the first successes in self-development became apparent, I hated my past vices, as well as the manifestation of these vices in people. It seemed to me that, since now I have found the door to the qualitative transformation of myself, then I must be perfect. I did not understand people who did not set themselves such tasks. From the extreme of absolute obedience to my desires, I went to the extreme of dictatorship and hatred of manifestation of weakness, armed with an open awareness and development ideal.
I was like a man on a hockey field, who was tied to the gate with ropes on one side. He was pulling so hard behind these ropes, trying to free himself, and by bursting, the ropes released the inertia that dragged the body over the ice until it hit the next gate. When a person breaks off relations with his past ideas, the inertia of his resistance can throw him into the opposite extreme.
And so it happened to me: breaking the ropes of my past ideas, I found myself on the other side. I hated and denied the past myself until I realized that this path leads to suffering, just like what I did in the past. And I came to the conclusion that I should accept myself as I am, imperfect. I also have to accept other people as they are. But to accept, in this case, did not mean to accept and leave everything as it is. This meant striving to become better, developing yourself and supporting the development of other people. I wrote about this important difference between acceptance and humility in my article about acceptance.
And not so long ago, I realized that the principle on which this difference is based is universal and can be applied not only to the situation of acceptance. In this one principle lies the ocean of life wisdom!
This principle allows you to maneuver on thin ice in the middle between different extremes, not allowing fate to press you to one of the sides.
What is the principle expressed in?
This principle is expressed in the following actions:
- Accept yourself as you are, but at the same time strive to become better
- Strive to become better, but at the same time accept that not everything in yourself can be changed
- Stop wanting to get rid of depression and get rid of it
- Learn to enjoy peace and loneliness, but do not slip into laziness and inaction.
- To be self-sufficient, but at the same time to find joy in communication and entertainment
- Control emotions by trying to control them.
- To be content with what you have, but at the same time to increase your well-being
- Strive for justice, but accept that the world should not be fair or unfair
- Do not worry about the problems, but at the same time solve them
- Thinking about the future, but living in the present
- Enjoy, but not depend on pleasure
- To be prepared for death, but at the same time fight for life
The principle involves more than just searching for the "golden mean" between several extremes. Because the middle is the arithmetic mean, a compromise, the rejection of one in favor of the other. But something different is happening here. The complexity of this principle relates to the fact that most people find it difficult to combine two opposites: aspiration and acceptance. They believe that striving, movement towards a goal can be accompanied only by a strong desire, unrelenting will, unbearable defeat, self-abuse, rejection of weakness, denial of everything that does not belong to the goal, a strong attachment to success, to the result ... And on the contrary the parties for them are submissive humility, which is identical with inaction, cowardice and weakness.
And in this truth of life, these two seeming extremes unite, like the confluence of opposites in the Yin and Yang symbol! Desire and acceptance go hand in hand, coexisting together on equal rights. This is the most important wisdom of life!
(And in many cases, aspiration realizes itself through acceptance, as in the case of a person who can fulfill his desire to get rid of depression only through the fact that he no longer desires so much, accepts his situation and lives in the present moment no matter what!)
And so that these extremes do not conflict with each other, merge into one thing, the desire should get rid of attachment, and humility should lose despondency and depression, turning into acceptance.
Aspiration without attachment
After all, attachment prevent taking, and despondency prevents striving. It seems complicated and paradoxical. But let's explain by example.
There are two people, Ivan and Michael. Ivan lives only aspiration with a strong affection. And Michael learned to combine aspiration with acceptance. Both of these people strive for something, suppose money. The difference between them is that for Ivan this desire represents the meaning of life. He only thinks about business, about increasing his capital. He is trying to make his son stop dreaming about becoming a doctor and becoming a businessman, because it seems to him that a person cannot be satisfied until he wears an expensive gold watch and rides a jeep.
But Michael is not so strongly attached to his goal. Of course, he understands that money is important, because it will help you feel less need, have more freedom and put your children on their feet, providing them with housing. Therefore, he strives to earn more by developing his own business. But, in addition to business, he has many hobbies, he does not think all day long only about money.
He understands that money will not make him happy, despite the fact that they can make his life easier and more comfortable. After all, his level of satisfaction with life depends more on himself than on the things he has. He does not spend much time in the dreams that he will be truly happy only when he buys a yacht. He lives here and now, in real life, and not in dreams. But this does not mean that he will never have a yacht: everything has its time.
While Ivan tosses and turns in bed at night, as he worries about a project that he did not have time to finish, despite the fact that he sat behind him until 11 at night, Mikhail sleeps soundly, because for him the result of his business is not of such vital importance. And he allocates time for other activities, such as quiet walks before bedtime.
The idea that something bad could happen to the business fills Ivan with strong horror, so he worked up a late night and spent the night without sleep. It seemed to him that the more he worked, the more he had control over his enterprise, in fact, such an insane rhythm caused stress and fatigue and provoked mistakes and not optimal solutions.
Mikhail was concerned with the idea of losing everything more and more calmly, he understood that anything could happen, and if suddenly he went bankrupt, he would still be able to somehow live. After all, life does not end when the opportunity to go to expensive restaurants and buy expensive things is lost (although Ivan does not think so). This relaxed attitude is justified in business. It allows Michael to rest better, to find a balance between time devoted to himself and work. Therefore, Michael is more calm and focused than Ivan, when he goes about his business. He easily transfers mistakes and failures, draws conclusions from them, learns from them, because these mistakes are not necessarily heralds of collapse. Lack of fear of losing everything helps him look at things soberly, not exaggerate problems and find the best solution. Mikhail even sometimes takes on a bold, but justifiable risk that allows him to succeed in his business.
Now imagine that there was a crisis in the country and the enterprises of Ivan and Mikhail suffered a crash. For Ivan, this is a tragedy! The inability to return to the former luxurious lifestyle plunged him into depression. He either plunges into submissive, dull humility, or takes risky actions for the sake of money, which can turn into a great danger. For Ivan, there are only two options: "either all or nothing."
Bankruptcy also upset Michael. But he grieved for a while, returned to the idea that nothing lasts forever, accepted the situation as it is, realizing that what happened - happened, and there is no point in continuing to be sad about it. He understands that money will not be returned quickly, and, at least, he will have to abandon the way of life that he led, being wealthy. He takes a hired job in his specialty, where he earns a lot less money than his company earned, and besides, he does not work for himself.
But then he has the opportunity to earn a little, get back on his feet, wait out the crisis. Maybe after a while with new forces and finances he will find a new opportunity to earn more. Who knows, perhaps, his new hired work is fraught with new opportunities and acquaintances with which he will be able to open a new, even more profitable business. He thinks about the future, how to change the situation, but at the same time, he accepts the present.
In these two situations, we see Ivan, who lived only by desire and his attachment to wealth. And we see Michael, who accepted reality as it is, did not focus only on money, lived in the present moment, but at the same time, this did not prevent him from achieving his own.
In order for the example to be indicative, let us imagine that Ivan either drank himself or went to jail, turning out illegal frauds, and Mikhail, having worked for some time in a hired job, after a few years managed to restore his business and achieve even higher financial opportunities than those he had in the past.
I understand that in life everything can be somehow different: Ivan’s illegal financial scheme could enrich him, but Michael could have failed. But this is just an example. It is important to understand the pattern that the balance between aspiration and acceptance allows for a more intelligent and wise approach to life problems, to live freely and happily. And at the same time, to achieve greater success in things to which you are not attached, than people who want these things with their whole soul (as in the example of the enterprises of Ivan and Mikhail: Ivan wanted the most money, which made him make mistakes and accept bad decisions, and Michael took it more calmly, so his enterprise was more successful).
And the path to finding this delicate balance, this unity of opposites is the path to gaining vital wisdom and happiness.
New trap
It may seem to my regular readers that I repeat the thoughts from the adoption article. This is partly the case. But in this article I would like to explain what is not quite obvious from that article and add some more thoughts.
Not so long ago, I almost fell into another extreme. Perhaps this was due to my enthusiasm for the ideas of Buddhism (perhaps my wrong interpretation of these ideas), which turned out to be very close to my own principles. I began to see at the basis of any desire for sensual pleasure something vicious. Meditation gave me some kind of self-sufficiency, I felt comfortable alone with myself, without any external stimulation, also in those moments when I did not feel anything, when I didn’t feel good or bad - no way.
And I began to think that I should depend as much as possible on a smaller number of things and seek peace and harmony on the other side of temporary pleasure, sudden joys and successes. It seemed to me that I should not want pleasure, I should be only with what I have, without trying to make a special impact on it. If I feel pain, suffering or just displeasure, then I do not need to do anything about it, just to accept.
I cannot say that this became an idea that guided all my actions: it is very difficult to become a holy ascetic, of course I didn’t. But this implicit belief quietly and imperceptibly poisoned many sensations associated with joy and pleasure. I still experienced these sensations, but implicitly I believed that they only distract from the true life purpose and eternal harmony. Therefore, I could not enjoy them as before, did not try to call them, and tried with it.
Recently, I recalled how during the depression, when the first effect of meditation was only beginning to tell, I began to look everywhere for joy, to change my habits, to learn new things. I started watching movies that I never watched, listen to music that I never listened to, take long walks, which I did not do for a very long time, master computer programs with which I did not work, learn to find beauty in nature, ski in the cold, try to find peace in silence ... It was all new to me, it helped me to feel interest in life and pulled me out of depression. I did not expect that I would feel a surge of motivation, should I do something new. At first it was necessary to do, and the motivation came later. It allowed to gain a sense of control over their lives.
But where did all this disappear now? I cannot say that I began to completely deprive myself of all pleasures, but I began to turn to less and less often to many occupations that I loved. I began to listen to music much less, as I began to consider this activity useless, delivering only temporary joy, leaving nothing behind. What seemed important to me was just what could have been deposited in my life in the form of some kind of change, progress. These were mainly actions aimed at achieving a specific goal. I began to look for less reasons for fun and laughter, because I thought that my state should not be completely dependent on such things.
Sudden awakening
Of course, this was not a life crisis, but I just felt that my life began to lose a sense of novelty, turning into a routine.
But at one moment I suddenly realized that I was again on the ice, gliding over which, I fell into the power of the extreme, and I need to return to the center. In the past, indeed, my desire for pleasure brought me a lot of pain, made me addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, deprived me of the opportunity to feel that I lived in those moments when I did not experience acute pleasure. But I realized that this does not mean at all that I must deny any pleasure and desire. After all, not to depend on things does not mean not to have them!
It dawned on me as I sat on the beach that I visit almost every day since I ended up in India. I realized that I was bored sitting on the beach: the sound of the surf, the view of the setting sun for a month had already become a given for me. I thought that I should tolerate this state, not try to influence it somehow, just accept it, as I often did in the last period of my life.
But suddenly I asked myself why should I do that? Why can't I try to amuse myself? If it doesn't work for me, well, then I will accept everything as it is, but why not spend time more interesting? I took her reflex camera from my wife and started asking about how to work with the settings. Before that, I understood very little about this, but my spouse explained something to me. Half an hour later I took test shots of the beach, palm trees and coastal restaurants.
Of course, the photos turned out to be amateurish, but I saw how the technique responds to the settings of the aperture, shutter speed, and how this is reflected in the image. I enjoyed and learned something new. I left the beach satisfied not only with getting a basic knowledge of working with photographic equipment, but also because I rehabilitated my personal right to receive little pleasures when I was bored.
Why don't I sometimes listen to music, just to have fun and relax, the main thing is not to turn it into laziness. Let this pleasure be temporary, but it is from such moments that our whole life consists. Each such moment has such value. Why don't I have fun if I'm bored. Of course, I think that a person should learn to be alone with his thoughts, but a little fun is what feeds me with energy and positive emotions. You just need to know the measure in it. Why do not I diversify my life when I feel like a slave to habits, being on the crest of a routine?
И я почувствовал, что я как будто бы нащупал тонкий баланс. Да, с одной стороны человеческое счастье концентрируется не только в маленьких и больших жизненных удовольствиях и желаниях. Действительно, привязанность к этим желаниям может приносить страдание, как мы убедились из примеров с Иваном и Михаилом. Но я повторяю, отсутствие сильной болезненной привязанности к желаниям не значит отсутствия желаний! Не видеть смысл жизни только в удовольствиях - не значит их не иметь!
Если вам грустно, страшно, одиноко, то попробуйте скрасить эти чувства каким-нибудь интересным и полезным занятием. Но при этом не расстраивайтесь, если это дело не принесет вам ожидаемых эмоций. Если этого действительно не произойдет, то просто примите это, но почему бы не попытаться? Знайте о вещах, которые приносят вам удовольствие, но при этом не разрушают вашу жизнь. Впустите эти вещи в свою жизнь, но при этом оставьте место и для других занятий. Эти вещи должны помогать вам пробудить интерес к жизни, но при этом, не являться бегством от своих проблем и скуки.
И здесь мы опять видим проявление этого важного жизненного принципа, которому посвящена эта статья.
Хрупкое равновесие
Вы чувствуете, какой здесь тонкий баланс? Кажется, что достичь его также сложно, как балансировать на канате. Но также как можно научиться этому цирковому приему, обучив свое тело координации, мы можем научить свой ум находиться в этом балансе. Оказывается самую важную жизненную мудрость не всегда можно постичь, лишь прочитав о ней. Ее можно достичь тренировкой.
И причем здесь медитация?
Давайте вспомним в двух словах о технике медитации. С одной стороны, вы должны мягким усилием переводить внимание на дыхание, когда замечаете, что начали о чем-то думать. С другой стороны, вы не должны ругать себя за то, что у вас это не получается, потому что наше сознание устроено таким образом, что оно постоянно о чем-то думает, на что-то переключается. Если у вас не получается сосредоточиться, то просто следует это принять.
Несмотря на то, что подобные инструкции приведены в моей статье про медитацию, люди все равно постоянно спрашивают меня: "Николай, медитировать не получается, потому что не получается сосредоточиться, что я делаю не так?" или "Вы пишите, что не нужно проявлять большого усилия воли и желания сконцентрироваться, но тогда как прикажете это сделать без желания?"
Эти вопросы задаются не потому, что люди невнимательные (хотя иногда все-таки невнимательные=)), а потому, что медитация основывается на совершенно новом принципе действия. Как я писал выше, люди считают, что если есть какая-то цель, то надо стремиться ее достичь, положить в основу этого большое волевое усилие и сильное желание. Они просто привыкли так действовать и не знают, как можно по-другому. Им непонятно, как это можно одновременно к чему-то стремиться (концентрироваться во время медитации), но при этом не испытывать сильного желания и не привязываться к результату («не получается сконцентрироваться - ну и пусть»). Из этого и происходят все вопросы, об этом недостаточно просто прочитать.
Но медитация и есть некое действие без привязанности, стремление без желания, усилие воли без насилия над собой, некое расслабленное проявление деятельности, включающей в себя принятие. Деятельность, в основе которой не лежат привычные нам понятия "неудачи", "удачи", "правильного", "неправильного", "плохого", "хорошего". Это действие делается легко, с минимальным усилием, но приносит ощутимый результат.
Вы чувствуете, что медитация и есть воплощение этого мудрого принципа, упражнение на поддержание тонкого баланса?
Она и есть тренировка этого баланса хождения по канату, с одной стороны которого лежит пропасть самокритики, насилия воли, а с другой - сон, забвение и бездействие. Медитация находится где-то между этими вещами, даже лучше сказать, включает в себя усилие и принятие, одно и другое, избавляя их от привязанности и уныния.
Даже в самом подходе к медитации лежит этот баланс. При помощи практик вы учитесь любить себя, такими, какие вы есть, но при этом становиться лучше. Двигаться вперед, но при этом понимать, что то, что нужно для счастья, уже есть у вас внутри и идти никуда, собственно не нужно: это движение без движения. Учиться принимать свои страхи и тем самым избавляться от них, а если это не всегда срабатывает и страх останется, то принять и это, а если и это не получается принять, то нужно принять тот факт, что у вас что-то не получается принять…
Если единственный сеанс медитации приносит эйфорию, расслабление и появление мотивации, то вы с благодарностью принимаете этот дар. Если же этого не происходит при другой медитации, то вы принимаете и это.
Если на все это посмотреть, то кажется, что говоря о медитации, мы сталкиваемся с целым скопом зубодробительных парадоксов. Но, парадоксами они кажутся нам постольку, поскольку мы не привыкли к такому рода действию, проявлением которого является медитация. Собственно поэтому жизнь многих людей превращается в страдание: либо они слишком далеко заходят в своем стремлении и желании, либо оказываются в лапах покорности и смирения. Медитация приводит к балансу. Она и есть этот баланс. И если придерживаться его абсолютно во всех вещах, то жизнь никогда не утянет вас в омут зависимости, депрессии, страха, самоунижения, чувства несправедливости и безжалостного отношения к себе. Медитация рождает любовь. Любовь, исполненную как деятельности, так и принятия, как радости, так и сострадания, как открытости, так и самодостаточности, как силы, так и мягкости, как участия, так и прощения…
