What I got from meditation - Part 1

Sometime in one of my earlier articles I promised to write a post about what I got from meditation. I did not write this article before, firstly, because I considered that other topics for which I write are more important than this, and, secondly, I want to publish materials that will be useful to people, and not just reflect some personal experience without any conclusions.

I don’t really like blogs and live magazines whose authors are focused solely on describing their own experiences and impressions. I believe that my experience can be useful and interesting to someone, only if it serves as an illustration and proof of such ideas that will help people move towards self-development and getting rid of personal problems.

I do not see the point in telling a lot about myself, about my experience outside the context of practical recommendations on self-development. That is why I have not written this article before. I thought that this information would not be interesting to anyone, since it concerns only my personal history.

But recently, one of the readers wrote that he would like to see this article. I thought about what I can write on this topic. And I realized that this may indeed be useful for someone. After all, I wanted to devote this article to what I learned through the practice of meditation. I will talk about what can be expected on this path, how to relate to the practice in order to get maximum “bonuses” from it, and what dangers may lie in wait for you.

I think that such a story can bring practical benefits to someone. If you have been engaged in meditation for some time and do not see any positive changes, then perhaps this article will help you to see them. If you have not started meditating, here you will find a lot of reasons to start doing it. I hope that my personal example can serve as an incentive for someone.

This article is an excellent reason to convey many important ideas to the reader, which I did not manage to invest in other articles on meditation. But I want you to keep one thing in mind when you read this post. All personality changes, which will be discussed further, became possible thanks to meditation. But one cannot say that meditation is the only source of these changes.

Metamorphosis has become a source of work on oneself, and not just meditation. Now I will not dwell on this in more detail; I will return to this idea in the article. And more than once.

Another reason why I decided to write this post is my desire to dilute the tone of the adviser, which is peeking through in each article: how to find your calling, how to learn to say no, how to learn to do something else ... Let the reader take a break from the recommendations and advice ( although in this article they will also be). Let the author take a rest and allow himself to write a post, in which, besides the recommendations, he will describe his personal experience in more detail than in my other articles.

How I started to meditate

As I wrote somewhere before, when I began to meditate, I had not yet thought about self-development. I did not even think about whether I had any flaws, whether I could get rid of them, how to do it. Such thoughts simply did not visit me, as they do not visit many more people.

My personality seemed to me to be something complete and logical, a certain given and constant. I did not even consider many of my weaknesses as such. Recently, I have often been amazed at the fact that people do not even think about developing. When I begin to experience this feeling, it turns into a slight indignation. To stop this, I immediately remember myself as I was a few years ago, just as I did not want to think about personal development.

And I immediately begin to understand these people. They just do not think about it: for them, in principle, there is no such problem as personal development.

I, like many others, believed that man is a seething cauldron of passions, desires, and innate qualities that control him, he has no will of his own. Sometimes it seemed to me that a directional change of personality is a blasphemous violation of its sovereignty, its sacred, once and for all established, natural state.

I can not say that I was worn with this idea as a manifesto. As I said, I didn’t particularly think about the problems of personal development, this area did not interest me, so such ideas did not even take shape into something holistic in my mind. The idea of the immutability of the individual settled somewhere deep, on a non-verbal level, it did not appear on the surface, but it also determined my thinking and determined its boundaries. I believed in this unconsciously and never thought about it.

I started meditating not for my own development, but in order to get rid of depression, panic attacks and constant mood swings. I can not say that I definitely believed in the effectiveness of this method, but then I understood that I don’t have much choice. I was tired of my experiences, I did not want to suffer all my life and did not know what to do. I did not understand how else to get rid of it. I considered tablets as the latest option already then. And meditation gave at least some hope of getting rid of these ailments.

I also had a desire to master the practice because it seemed to me that meditation gives you some supernormal abilities. I'm not talking about extrasensory or something. I thought that a meditator can and can do more than other people, that's all (after all, not just so many people meditate). This idea did not have time to take shape in a clear desire for development. I was still more interested in the idea of getting rid of mental distemper. But, I can not deny that the hidden, barely conscious motives to become something better than others (what exactly, I did not know yet) also led me then.

I did not want to spend my free time on meditation. I wished to devote this time to something else, basically, to engage in any nonsense. Therefore, I began to meditate on the way to work and back to the suburban train. After all, all the same, while I was driving in transport, I did not do anything.

What began to happen to me after meditation

The first changes began to occur, probably in a couple of months. But I have not realized them yet. More or less tangible effect from practicing the practice began to appear after six months.

In my further presentation, I will not be able to preserve the chronology of the changes that have occurred through meditation. First, it will be difficult to make, because the metamorphosis occurred smoothly and gradually. No sudden epiphany preceded these changes. I can not remember the moment when I realized that I can manage my emotions, or when I realized what I want from this life.

Ideas did not come immediately, as if they were accumulating, based on new life experience. Experience preceded the idea. At first I acted simply unconsciously, intuitively, but I began to understand that I was doing everything correctly. Only then, after some time, I gradually deduced from these actions and the results of these actions the ideas that formed the basis of this site.

These thoughts have flesh and blood, they are not just in the air, they are based on experience that I have experienced.

This is one of the reasons why it is difficult for me to keep the sequence of changes. It is a continuous process rather than a time-limited action. In addition, these changes occurred in parallel to each other.

Secondly, this is still not my biography of recent years. This is a structured article that talks about the metamorphosis that occurred with a person who began to meditate. Therefore, I would like to focus on the changes themselves and put them in the basis of the structure of this post. So the further narration will have the form of points, each of which will relate to a certain personal metamorphosis and will not necessarily be tied to a specific time.

Then let's get started.

I stopped identifying myself with my emotions.

Unlike other changes here, I can trace some sort of starting point. It happened about two months after the start of practice. I think it will be interesting to read to those people who suffer panic attacks.

One night I tried to fall asleep when I felt the approaching panic attack, panic attack. I can not say that then I experienced the most intense phase of panic disorder, during which, the attacks occurred several times a day. At that time, panic attacks occurred less frequently and were less intense. But still they were.

And so, when I realized that a certain attack was coming, I suddenly wondered what would happen if I tried to concentrate on it, try to dive into it, go deeper, even strengthen it. Previously, I did not think about it, but just in a passive way I succumbed to attacks, letting them carry myself with their restless and impetuous course.

Here I tried to show some kind of will. I did not have in my head a ready-made idea that instructed me to act this way. I just became interested. And what if I get some unusual sensations? What will happen? Suddenly it will help?

I wanted to seize this attack with consciousness, to comprehend and understand it. I had not felt such power in myself before. At first I was scared, the panic intensified, but I continued to watch. Then everything went down. Anxiety was replaced by euphoria associated with a sense of control over the situation. It turns out that I can! If I get an attack again, I already know what to do!

Then I have not yet made far-reaching conclusions that, in principle, you can control any of your condition, any emotions. I was glad that I managed to cope with a panic attack myself.

Only then I began to realize that, contrary to my previous views, the whole emotional world of a person is controllable. And this awareness came from specific life situations. If earlier I always walked in the wake of my emotions, now I sometimes managed to act contrary to my feelings and states. Even if this did not work, I began to think about the nature of my emotions.

I began to realize that anger and irritation bring nothing but a waste of nerves. Envy, vanity is just an indulgence of the Ego, they lead to suffering. I realized that it is not at all necessary for me to be angry, nervous, envious, cowardly, just for the reason that I became such in the process of life. After all, I myself decide how to be. “I” is not my emotions, fears, states.

It is just a ripple on the water, and the real Self lies deeper, it is something more permanent and independent. And in finding this very “I” lies the meaning of spiritual development.

Formerly, slogans like “find your self” or “stop identifying yourself with your emotions” seemed to me to be esoteric cliches, slogans that seem to sound nice, but they don’t make sense. How can you stop identifying yourself with your feelings? After all, I have my feelings. "I" is something whole, indivisible. Any passions, vices are as fair parts of my personality as love, intelligence. I thought so before.

But in some devious ways, without reading any spiritual books, I came to realize the ancients as the world of truths about the nature of my “I”. And I absorbed these truths with life itself, with my own experience of change, and not just took them on faith, because I liked them.

Meditation taught me to observe what is happening inside. This developed my awareness.

Why I believed in meditation.

Meditation must have helped me so much just because of my skepticism. I have always been far from mysticism and all parascience. Therefore, from the very beginning of my practice, I did not perceive meditation as an absolute good, a panacea for all problems. Therefore, I did not do it thoughtlessly, as if I were just swallowing pills, which over time should help me.

I tried to find meaning in meditation. Some obvious, earthly meaning, not transcendental and esoteric. Due to the fact that I always doubted everything, I did not believe in God and other mysticism, I could not practice meditation if I had not found a simple and logical explanation for it.

And I began to look for this explanation in my experience. I began to notice that meditation makes it possible to look at my inner world from the outside. Practice requires the practitioner to concentrate on something (breathing or mantra) and not be involved in his experiences, emotions and thoughts. Of course, it is very difficult to achieve complete deliverance from thoughts, but the main thing is to try.

Over time, I realized that this is not just some kind of mystical tradition, but rather an effective exercise. To develop the muscles of the shoulders and back, you need to constantly exercise them, for example, pull up. And in order to learn how to track your emotions and not give in to them, you also need to exercise this ability, for example, to meditate.

I felt that it was becoming easier for me to abstract from emotions in real life, because every day I exercise it twice! I also noticed that after meditation it was easier for me to make decisions, to solve problems that seemed to me unsolvable before.

Indeed, during practice, I say to my emotions “not now,” “then later, after practice.” For 20 minutes, I try not to get involved in experiences and keep attention on one point. It developed a certain skill, a skill of awareness, which was transferred to a real, everyday life, in which I was already better able to drive away thoughts and undesirable experiences from myself. This freed my mind from emotions, clarified my thoughts, and also relaxed me very deeply.

After meditation, I felt calm and peaceful. If I was nervous, angry with someone, was experiencing a blues attack, then after practice, everything took off like a hand.

Here it is a real, practical, mundane sense of meditation, which I found for myself. These are awareness exercises. This is the conclusion of the "I" beyond the boundaries of the world of uncontrolled emotions. This is the liberation from prejudice and illusions. This is a stress relief. And it works on the principle of routine training, through repetitions, as well as muscle training or oral counting. But this exercise will be less effective if you do not understand how it works, how it helps you in real life.

Remember, meditation is not a panacea, but an effective tool!

This statement can be explained by comparing meditation with muscle stretching for rhythmic gymnastics. It is clear that without stretched muscles there is nothing to think about gymnastics, you just can not do it. But at the same time, stretching will not teach you gymnastics, it will simply prepare you for doing this sport.

So is meditation. By itself, it certainly helps and has a beneficial effect. But you need to remember that meditation only prepares your mind to work on yourself, develops those skills without which this work does not pass. If you meditate mindlessly, wait impatiently for it to relieve you of depression or reward you with super abilities and, at the same time, you will not work on yourself in everyday life when you are not meditating, then you will not achieve great results.

Tips:

Think over the meaning of meditation. Why does it work? How does she help you in life? How do you feel after her? What changes are happening to you? In short, come to meditation consciously!

Work on yourself. Meditation develops the skill of awareness. Try to apply it in life. Watch your emotions. Learn to control them. Engage in self-examination. Be aware of your weaknesses. What more needs to be done?

There was a revaluation of values

Another important effect that I began to feel not for myself was that I began to slowly die away the need to run somewhere all the time, to occupy all my free time with some kind of vigorous activity. Before I began to meditate, I was very restless and active, in a bad sense of the word. On weekdays, I worked and stayed at work. And over the weekend I could not sit still: I went to meetings, parties, drank alcohol.

If, all of a sudden, it turned out that on a day off I stayed at home, then this brought me great discomfort. Until some time I did not see this problem. It seemed to me that I was just active, energetic. But, in fact, it was rather anxiety, which greatly prevented me from relaxing. I almost didn’t have a rest: work absorbed everyday life, and weekends were occupied by meetings and events.

I have rarely been alone with my thoughts: after all, I was always busy with something. I did not have time to think about my life. I was just mechanically floating with the flow of fate and living unconsciously.

As I practiced, I noticed that I was spending more and more time at home. Instead of going to a noisy party, I decided to stay at home with my wife, relax, watch a movie or read. I really like it. There are some hobbies that I worked at home.

I began to rest more and better. Появилась некая самодостаточность: я уже меньше нуждался в развлечениях, денежных тратах, тусовках, алкоголе, сильных впечатлениях, чтобы получать удовольствие от жизни. До этого казалось, что сама жизнь концентрируется лишь в тех вещах, которые я перечислил в предыдущем предложении, а пространство между бешеной активность и удовольствием заполнено гнетущей пустотой.

Мне стали доставлять удовольствие спокойные прогулки, я стал наслаждаться погодой, запахами и своими мыслями. Появились какие-то хобби, которыми мне было интересно заниматься дома. Ушли беспокойство, неусидчивость, и течение моей жизни стало приобретать более спокойный и размеренный характер. Мне перестало быть скучно. Я начал видеть радость в каждом моменте своей жизни.

Это не могло не отразиться на моих ценностях: они претерпели кардинальное изменение. Хотя об изменении говорить не очень правильно. Скорее эти ценности и цели оформились. Раньше передо мной не стояло ясной цели, я не понимал, чего я хочу от жизни. Ясно было только одно, что надо работать, развлекаться по выходным, тратить деньги и опять работать. Я не видел иного смысла жизни, не потому что мне хотелось такой судьбы, а потому что я не осознавал никаких альтернатив.

Ведь без постоянной работы мне бы стало скучно, мне требовалось какое-то занятие, которое могло бы поглощать всю мою энергию. Пускай даже это занятие было глупым и неинтересным. На мой взгляд, в таком положении сейчас живет большинство людей. Нельзя сказать, что их устраивает то, как они живут, но они и не догадываются о том, какой другой может быть эта жизнь.

Это чем-то напоминает идею фильма «Матрица», которая, можно сказать, является жестокой метафорой современной жизни. Люди живут в иллюзорном мире суеты, работы, вечных дел, покупок, сиюминутных удовольствий, амбиций, страстей, удовлетворения чужих желаний и не догадываются о том, что существует другой мир, более реальный…

Медитация стала для меня красной таблеткой Морфеуса, которая помогла мне увидеть свои настоящие желания и цели, заглянуть за границы этой иллюзии. Я понял, что я хочу просто жить и наслаждаться жизнью и у меня уже есть все для этого!

Мне не нужно работать до ночи на работе, а в выходные куда-то бежать, чтобы себя чем-то занять. Ведь мне стало и так хорошо, я научился наслаждаться покоем и своими мыслями. Раньше работа увлекала меня, только потому что она, подобно громоотводу, притягивала к себе всю мою избыточную энергию. И другого применения этой энергии я не мог найти.

Работа придавала моей жизни какой-то смысл, какое-то направление. В работе я терял самого себя, а это то что мне было нужно. Ведь пребывание наедине с собой было мучительным.

Но, когда я нашел какой-то смысл вне работы, когда я научился быть с самим собой, постоянная занятость стала приобретать характер помехи, чего-то лишнего. Я знал, чему посвятить свое свободное время, мне было интересно наедине со своими занятиями, своими хобби и своими мыслями. На работе приходилось заниматься, тем, чем скажут. Она отнимала много времени. А это время я мог использовать намного лучше: тратить его на свое развитие, проводить его с женой, заниматься своим хобби, читать гулять и путешествовать.

После того, как я научился наслаждаться свободным временем, его стало совсем не хватать. Раньше я с трудом выдерживал несколько недель отдыха подряд, мне становилось скучно. Теперь же этого казалось мало для того, чтобы я мог насладиться этим отдыхом и своим новым счастьем!

Я осознал, что если бы у меня не было необходимости работать, по финансовым соображением, я бы работу бросил. Хотя раньше я даже не мог допустить такой мысли. Я думал: «Что бы я тогда делал? Чем бы я занимался? Ведь мне бы стало скучно!»

В результате, я стал меньше задерживаться по своему желанию. И работу я через какое-то время сменил. На новом месте я уже жестко ставил вопрос о невозможности переработок.

Но, я понимал, что обычная наемная работа все равно отнимает много времени. В какой-то момент я понял, что я должен организовать свою жизнь так, чтобы иметь больше свободного времени и какой-то независимый источник дохода. Об этом не буду писать подробнее, это уже тема отдельной статьи.