For children, parental divorce becomes severe stress and often leaves behind mental trauma.
Therefore, it is important for children, even adults, to know what to do if parents divorce, how to prepare themselves morally, how to talk with them correctly.
Psychology and reasons for divorce
Divorce rate in Russia extremely high and reaches 50-55%.
Over the past 40-50 years, it has grown more than three times.
Despite the fact that the divorce proceedings kind of become commonplace, it still creates a lot of difficulties for a man, a woman, their children, friends, relatives and is a factor that increases the likelihood of developing mental illness.
As a rule, it is minor children. suffer from parents divorce.
Adult children, whose identity is fully formed and who are at least emotionally separated from their parents, accept divorce much easier, but they often have difficulties when they try to accept this fact.
The consequences of divorce for minor children:
- significantly increases the likelihood of developing various mental illnesses, such as neuroses, anxiety disorders, and depression;
- general mental state worsens, phobias, sleep disturbances (insomnia, superficial sleep, daytime sleepiness, nightmares), enuresis and encopresis, increased tearfulness, irritability may occur;
- many children after parents divorce feel abandoned, unloved, lonely, guilty in that mother and father separated;
- if the child does not agree with the decision of the parents, but could not do anything, he may be offended by them, and in the future it will be harder for them to find a common language;
- school performance deteriorates, especially in the first months after a divorce, it is more difficult for a child to concentrate on studying;
- adolescents may begin to seriously conflict with their parents, try to leave home;
- In the future, it is much more difficult for such children to build a romantic relationship, because they are afraid that everything will be the same as that of their parents.
Usually, when you break a toxic relationship, children suffer less because they realize that a divorce was the best solution.
The main reasons for divorce:
- The presence of spouse pathological dependencies. Extremely severe alcohol, drug addiction can change the personality of the spouse, make interaction with him almost impossible, increase the likelihood that he will resort to violence and just like that if he does not like something, and in those cases when he that need Such people can steal things from the house, collect debts and create many other problems, and curing addiction is far from easy.
If attempts to change the spouse or spouse come to nothing, you need to get a divorce. This is one of those reasons in which there is no need to delay with a divorce.
- Violence in family (physical, psychological, sexual). Toxicity in Russian families is an extremely common and even partly considered normal phenomenon (since “Beating means loving”). In fact, a partner who allows himself to be beaten and mocked by another partner is dangerous, and one must immediately leave him. Every year more than ten thousand women die at the hands of their husbands. Children in such families also suffer from violence.
- Treason. Men change three times more often than women, and not every woman is ready to continue the relationship with her husband, if he knows that he has changed. About 15% of women consider adultery to be the reason for divorcing her husband.
- Intimate dissatisfaction. If a man and a woman have different sexual preferences and different levels of libido, this will inevitably become a factor that increases the likelihood of divorce. In this case, dissatisfaction with sex rarely becomes the only reason.
- The abundance of conflicts in everyday communication, the inability to resolve conflicts constructively. Most often, these causes go side by side: the greatest level of conflict in those families whose members hardly tried in a calm atmosphere and without going over to aggression to discuss problems in order to come up with a solution that would suit everyone.
- Lack of common interests and significant differences in key views. If the husband and wife do not really communicate with each other, do not delve into the lives of each other, at some point it may turn out that they have nothing to talk about.
Some of them may significantly change their views over the course of several years, and this will make them understand that a divorce is necessary.
- Unequal distribution of domestic responsibilities. Usually, this reason is indicated by women, not men, since it is on the shoulders of women that the care of children and household work lies. And since the financial situation does not always allow women not to work, they are trying to combine earnings with domestic work. If a man refuses to take on half of the responsibilities, this will lead to conflicts.
A child whose parents are divorced may feel a whole gamut of feelings: resentment, grief, depression, anxiety, anger, irritation.
And this is completely normal. Children have the right to choose how they feel about what happened, even if their opinion differs from the opinion of the mother or father.
The most important thing is that their reaction does not become an obstacle to further communication with parents and does not lead to the emergence of mental disorders.
It is important for parents to let their children understand that they accept their opinion and are ready to provide support in any case. Also, parents should clearly explain to children that divorce was inevitable and nothing could be changed.
What if parents divorce?
What should know the child divorcing parents:
- You are not the cause of the divorce. Divorce is related to the relationship between spouses. It is they who are responsible for everything that happens between them, it was they who made the decision, and in most cases the child has nothing to do with it and, accordingly, he should not be responsible for what is happening.
If you feel guilty about what happened, or any other unpleasant and prolonged feelings, you should contact a psychologist.
Most schools and other educational institutions have their own psychologists.
- If your parents during the divorce proceedings have begun to devote you less time, this does not mean that they have ceased to love you. Both mother and father in this period have a lot of negative feelings and are forced to deal with a lot of important things, so they can not always find the time and strength to communicate closely with children. It is this that causes a decrease in the amount of attention, and not the disappearance of love.
- You can always discuss with at least one parent what is happening. Or with both at once, if possible. In some cases, it is not possible for both parents to ask questions at once (this applies to cases where one of the parents has an abuser or has serious dependencies). In any case, you can count on explanations. But be patient: during this period, parents experience extreme stress and may not be calm enough. Ask your parent or both of them questions that concern you, find out if you can regularly communicate with your mother or father after a divorce. Such conversations will help you feel easier. And do not hesitate to talk about your own emotions.
- Do not put ultimatums and quarrel with their parents. This will not change what is happening, and will only make the parents even more nervous, and it’s not easy for them.
- To make it easier to survive a parent's divorce, it is important to do something interesting, rather than constantly thinking about what is happening. Find yourself doing something: read a book, play a new computer game, do what you always liked to do.
It can be difficult to completely eliminate the thought of divorcing parents, but constant thinking about it will only make you more unhappy.
If teachers are concerned about how you behave during or after a divorce, how you study, you should approach them after the lesson and honestly say what this is about. They will certainly be able to understand this and support you.
How to reconcile mom and dad?
Children who do not want their parents to part may want to prevent this: put ultimatums, force them with persuasion, tears, and dialogues.
But it is important for them to understand that restoring peace to a falling apart family is impossible.
The only thing that can happen is they will stay together for the sake of the children and will be miserable. Divorce - a way to give them the opportunity to start a new life that will be better than before.
If a child is older or adult, he should try to persuade parents to visit a family psychologist: a qualified specialist can significantly change the attitude of the husband and wife to their own relationships and help restore peace.
You can also try to understand the reasons for the divorce and invite parents to discuss it in a relaxed atmosphere. You may be able to find together an optimal way out.
Remember that you can hardly make a radical difference, therefore it is important for you to try to make their decision.
How to survive the tragedy?
Advice for minor children:
- Get distracted more often by other things. Interesting activities will help to distract from negative thoughts and present positive emotions.
- Discuss what is happening in the family with people you trust. It can be friends, a favorite teacher, grandmother or grandfather, other relatives. Discuss with them what you feel, listen to their opinion and, if you wish, make it clear that you will be happy with any support.
- Consult a psychologist. Do not hesitate to think that you need to go to the office of a school psychologist: he can help you accept what is happening in the family, will explain much more than other adults, and will give valuable advice.
- Find out more information about divorce and why this is happening., to better understand parents and to be able to make their decision. On the Internet you can find a large number of videos and articles on the topic of divorce. You can also ask parents and other close people questions about divorce.
- Try not to dive into negative thoughts and states. Always remember that divorce is far from the end of life. Gradually, you can get used to the fact that parents have separated, it is important to give yourself the opportunity to experience it.
To escape from sad thoughts, communicate with friends more often, take a walk on the street, do interesting activities.
If you notice that you have lost interest in many activities, you feel constant fatigue and great sadness, often crying, you cannot cope with studies, it is important to inform your parents or close relatives about this.
Advice for an adult person:
- Remember that divorce is the choice of parentswhich you can hardly influence. Try to make their decision and give them support whenever possible: communicate with them, discuss what is happening, give advice, let them speak, throw out the boiling point.
- Consult a psychologist, if you feel that it is very difficult for you to accept what happened.
- Realize that you may have any opinion about the divorce. If you do not like what is happening, it does not automatically make you a bad person who does not respect the parents. The only thing you need is to try to keep your opinion with you, especially during the divorce period.
If the thought of divorce you strongly aggravate, more often distracted by interesting activities, walk in the fresh air, play sports.
How to behave after what happened?
A child of divorced parents can communicate with them in the same way as he talked before the divorce, especially if the parents are not against it.
The situation is complicated if the parent, with whom the child does not live, will create his own family. In this case, he can practically stop seeing the child, especially if his new partner is against it.
Important:
- not to blame parents for what happened, because it will not change anything and only make them more unhappy;
- not to be angry with them and not to express aggression without extremely weighty reasons;
- do not commit rash acts;
- Remember that parents value you, even when they are not together.
An adult child should also abandon the idea of blaming parents, getting angry at them. They need support, and if their child abandons them, they will be very sick.
The best thing that any child can do is to accept what happened and continue to communicate with parents as before divorce, if there are no weighty reasons for changing attitudes.
8 tips on how a child to survive a parental divorce without injury:
