"... his doubts did not stop at all, he already knew from his experience that faith and doubt are inseparable, that they condition each other like inhaling and exhaling ..."
'Hermann Hesse - Bead Game
I very often get questions from readers of this kind: “I want to start my own business / create my blog / get rid of depression and panic attacks, but I’m scared and anxious, I doubt that I’ll be able to do it. How can I stop doubting to start act?"
The short answer to this question (very often) will be:
"NO!"
Yes, you read that right! Doubts in a very large number of cases can not be removed. Most likely, this is not the answer that you want to hear.
And you most likely wanted me to look into the magic ball, see your future and dispel all your doubts, assuring you that all your desires are 100% fulfilled!
Yes, this is what you want.
But this is not what you need!
Magic tips I do not give. For them not to me. I am not a prophet of the future.
And in general, the desire to completely get rid of doubt, paradoxical though it may sound, very often underlies the biggest failures of life.
Most people do not achieve success in life for one simple reason:
You wait and wait, when doubts will pass, and so and no matter what you decide. Why? Because to wait for this to happen, it is the same as hoping that the tide will not be followed by a tide or that the water will not turn into ice in the freezer.
Doubts are as much a part of human nature as changes in the state of aggregation of a liquid, depending on temperature, are part of the nature of the environment.
So why not try to get rid of doubts?
Doubt - this is normal!
Show me a man who never doubts anything. To whom it seems that he clearly sees the future and knows in advance how his fate will be. For which everything in life is finally defined and drawn. For which the course of reality is completely predictable, devoid of unexpected turns.
"Unhappy! Or a psychopath!" - you will say and you will be right.
No one can see the future!
We are people and forced to live in a state of uncertainty and uncertainty. And in this lies not only our suffering, but also our happiness! After all, life with inexorable unpredictability brings us not only misfortunes, but also sudden joys.
Birth of a child. Sudden cure for a long illness. New acquaintance. Random, but fateful meeting. Happy win.
And who among you does not like surprises? =)
And doubts - this is the reflection in the human consciousness of the objective properties of the surrounding world, that is, its uncertainty.
Of course, you can create a picture of the world in which everything is defined and known. A world in which you can be one hundred percent certain. You can also populate this imaginary world with pink elephants and fill with cotton candy that hangs from tree branches. Summer. And in the winter it is instead of snow.
Why not?
But in this case, you will need to prepare for the fact that this unreal cozy little world will break into smithereens about an unpredictable and changeable reality.
White snow is found instead of pink cotton candy. Best case scenario. At worst - a wet, sticky and dirty poo that lies in Moscow instead of snow.
But after all, snow in Moscow is just like that! Wet and dirty. Like it or not.
And the world is just that, changeable and uncertain. Like it or not.
It turns out that to doubt is not only normal, but also honest. I do not know how events will develop in the future. And I am directly aware of this. I am honest with myself - therefore I doubt it.
Yes, my expectations may not be justified. I can wait for failure, and perhaps a complete failure.
But I can also wait for success. And happiness, and well-being, and big money, and glory and all that human heart desires!
And there is only one way to check how everything goes.
It is to stop following the doubts and start, damn it, act! Continue to doubt and only with this act!
That's the trick. Thanks to which the most successful people you know have become so successful.
(In this article, I will use the term "success." By success, I mean not only financial success (although it is also his), but also any realization of life goals: getting rid of a disease, gaining close relationships, attaining enlightenment, and so on. Let's say Buddha and Mahatma Gandhi were successful from this point of view)
Doubts do not interfere with action.
I suggest you right now to do my favorite mental exercise from the therapy of acceptance and responsibility, which very well illustrates the connection of thoughts with actions, or rather, the absence of such an obvious connection between the one and the other, which is usually attributed to these things.
Read the instructions first, and then do it yourself.
Close your eyes.
And start thinking to yourself: “I can't raise my hand! I can't raise my hand! I can't raise my hand”
Repeat this phrase in your mind for several seconds in a circle.
And now. Raise your hand! While continuing to think: "I can not raise my hand!"
Amazing isn't it?
After all, there was no difficulty in raising his limb to the sky or ceiling =)
What conclusion can be made here?
And such that we attach great importance to our thoughts. It seems to us that in order to do something and realize, some definite thoughts should fill our head. And no others!
Otherwise, nothing will work.
That's nonsense!
Thought is just a piece of information that our mind generates. A set of words. The text is carried in consciousness. Running line in the head.
It can be written on the bus: “It’s up to the Teatralnaya metro station”, and the bus itself goes straight to Bibirevo!
Also, your mind can tell you: "You can not do it! You are a loser! You will not succeed!"
And you can right along with this running line in your head stubbornly move into your Golden Eldorado.
Or in your Golden Bibirevo, which is also not bad, depending on your goals.
If we talk about myself, I constantly doubt myself and in general about everything. It seems to me that only obstinate fanatics do not doubt.
When I started to create my site, I thought: “What if it doesn't work out?”, “But what if no one will read the site?”
When I monetized it, my mind told me: “what if it doesn't work out? Suddenly you will not be able to provide and feed your family by doing your favorite work?”
When I released my first course “Without Panic,” my mind was throwing a new food in for doubt: “What if you don’t cope with such a task? Suddenly the course will not interest anyone?”
In the end, none of these doubts, to my happiness, did not come true! I acted despite the doubts. He doubted and still did.
No, of course, I do not want to say that I always ignore these messages, sending them to the internal spam folder.
Sometimes I listen to doubts. If my mind says to me: “it’s better not to get into this taxi, the driver clearly carries the fumes, will you suddenly have an accident?”, I would rather listen to him.
It all depends on the situation. Often doubts help me make the right decisions.
And in a situation where my mind says to me: “what if you don’t succeed?”, It becomes for me more likely a signal to rein in my arrogance, to take the matter more closely than to just capitulate:
"We need to check it again, this and that before continuing!"
Sometimes I can get involved in a dialogue with my mind, start asking him “Socratic questions”: “But what is the evidence that I’ll fail?” Why did you even decide that? ”
This also sometimes works. In some cases, doubts can really be resolved by such a passionless analysis. Send them a life-giving breath of common sense, and they "fall off" like a dry leaf from a branch.
But this, unfortunately, does not always work. Why?
Because very often our so-called "common sense" is subject to momentary anxiety.
And attempts to convince himself in these moments that "everything will turn out" are very often doomed to failure!
American psychotherapist David Carbonell describes such a curious phenomenon, characteristic of people with anxiety disorder and panic attacks. But I think that this can be attributed, in one way or another, to all people.
People with increased anxiety tend to exaggerate the danger:
"The plane I'm flying on will crash!"
"What if I get into an accident!"
"And what if the roof fails and falls on me?"
And now, imagine, you are torn apart by all these fears. You are applying for support to your friends.
They say: "do not worry, everything will be fine!". Although it is known that "do not worry" - this is the most meaningless advice in the world!
You think: "How do they know that everything will be fine? I will go to a psychotherapist, he will definitely help me!"
And the psychotherapist says: “These are irrational attitudes. You exaggerate the danger and you catastrophise. In fact, the chance to crash on an airplane is one in ten million!”
But you do not like it. You want to be 100% sure that nothing will happen to you! That your alarms are never exactly realized.
And this is where the trap slams.
Because in theory anything can happen! Your plane could theoretically fall. At the same time fall onto the roof, and be covered with its debris. And if the roof belonged to a large garage or car dealership, then at the same time you had a car accident!
There is a chance for anything. Death yourself, the death of relatives, a terrible disease, disaster.
But the good news is that this probability is not so great (although the probability of dying for hundreds of years tends to be 100%). Just a momentary anxiety raises this probability to the rank of almost one hundred percent catastrophe!
Of course, this does not mean that I live every day with a grim thought: "I can die at any second!"
(Although sometimes thoughts about death still stimulate me to spend less time on all sorts of nonsense, including senseless feelings about death: “why waste this finite life on anxiety? You have to live!”)
At a simple everyday level, of course, I believe that everything will be fine with me. As every person believes. I buy plane tickets to Moscow, because I have an exam soon. I am preparing hard for him, but I don’t think: “What if my plane doesn’t fly?”
But in moments of anxiety, our mind is not satisfied with this worldly faith. He wants to get 100% theoretical probability of success:
"Nothing will happen to me. I will not die. Never at all. In life!"
And once there is a theoretical probability of anything ...
And if our mind during anxiety always focuses on the negative side of life, on disaster ...
It means that attempts at such moments to convince oneself that “everything will be fine” often turn out to be untenable.
And, as I wrote, this can be attributed not only to anxiety disorder.
Many people never dare to begin anything because of their doubts. They are ready to take action only when they have absolute confidence in success. And no doubt!
But no one and nothing can provide this confidence for objective reasons.
Therefore, most people continue to work on unloved work. Vlachit unpromising relationship ("what if the new will not work?"), Suffer from depression and anxiety ("what if it does not help me?").
And not because they doubt!
But because their doubts are for them the ultimate reality and an obstacle that they cannot cross!
After all, successful people also doubt! They are not sorcerers, not prophets. They cannot know the future. But their difference from the majority is that they are able to accept uncertainty, give a place inside for a sense of uncertainty and at the same time act, take a weighted risk.
It is not identical to the reckless recklessness, stubborn, blind movement through life windbreaks.
Yes, something can be calculated, estimated, predicted in advance. And you need! But no matter how careful and thoughtful the plan is, there will still be room for uncertainty and, accordingly, doubt.
Yes, doubts can protect us from the danger of impulsive decisions. But they can also provoke inertia, stop development if we obey them.
Very often, the task of doubt is simply to rid us of the need for any movement, so that we dangle in the comfort zone as long as possible.
This, again, is natural. Man by nature is an inert and lazy creature who is afraid of change. Which is ready to put up with any discomfort, just not to go into the unknown. The illusion of "stability", "certainty" for it is much more important than many other things, even related to new opportunities and attractive prospects.
(I say illusion, because, in fact, there is no certainty)
His dreams are unrealized, plans are unfulfilled, desires are buried.
The comfort zone eventually turns into a discomfort zone!
There is nothing wrong with the need to remain in the (dis) comfort zone. This is simply the life choice of most people.
Simply, this choice has both advantages and disadvantages. And everyone decides what is more important for him than he is willing to sacrifice and for what.
In order to understand what is more important for you, ask yourself what will happen if I follow these doubts, submit to them? What can my life become then?
"What will happen if I continue to work on this terrible job, because I am afraid to start something of my own?"
"What will happen if I do not start to fight depression, since I doubt that something can help me?"
"What happens if I cling to old relationships like that?"
Undoubtedly, one can single out the advantages of staying in the "comfort zone" and not leaving it anywhere.
The advantages include, for example, the illusion of certainty described above. Sense of stability It is as if you are not even risking anything (only your future happiness - what a trifle! You can always ignore this, right?). You will not need to make difficult, responsible decisions, but simply continue to go with the flow.
For people with depression, anxiety and other psychological ailments, the so-called “secondary” benefits can be presented as advantages: getting increased attention to one’s own person, pity from other people, reveling in the feeling of one’s unhappy role as a sweet poison.
Yes, psychological suffering has its own advantages.
But there are pitfalls and they are not enough. We will have to be prepared for the fact that there will not be a long-term result. If you choose to stay in the comfort zone and release all efforts, the whole struggle, then you will not have to wait for any success!
Your life will flow along the beaten track, almost without any chance of happy turns. Depression and anxiety are unlikely to go away if they are not treated. Brilliant work itself will not find you. And happy relationships themselves will not be established without your participation.
And in order to cope with the regrets that are piling on you about wasted life, you will have to invent an ingenious system of self-justification. And of course, it will be more comfortable and convenient in this case to blame the surrounding reality (in the face of parents, relatives, the state, doctors, Nikolay Perov), instead of taking responsibility for themselves.
Are you ready to take this risk?
But any decision is a risk. Even the decision to "stay in the comfort zone", although it seems at first glance that there is no risk.
When I made the decision to leave hired work and go about my business, I certainly took risks. But if I decided to stay on a more "stable" job - that would also be a risk. I would then have to risk all that I have now: financial independence, decent earnings, freedom of movement, work and rest, personal satisfaction, happiness of other people (many people would not get rid of panic attacks and would not start to meditate, improving my life - if I decided to continue working in IT).
The truth is that we always risk something. Even when we make a decision not to make a decision!
We run the risk when we decide not to meditate. Do NOT sign up to the sports section. Do not take a course of psychotherapy. DO NOT look for a new job. DO NOT look for new living and working conditions. Do not learn new things. DO NOT develop.
The question is just what we specifically risk!
And what will happen if we, on the contrary, decide to leave the comfort zone? If we decide to overcome the doubts that keep us in this zone?
The pros will be like that.
So we always think, "what if it doesn't work out ...", "and what if it doesn't work out ..." This is how our brain works. He often imagines all the worst, is the worst case scenario.
But let's distract for a while from this scheme of thinking formed by millions of years of evolution and think about it:
"What if it works out!"
"What if I started to work on myself, I will get rid of depression and anxiety forever?"
"And what if I create the business of my dreams, earn so much money that my children will not have to work already?"
"What if I begin to meditate, and my life changes radically, so how could I not even imagine?"
"А вдруг я найду мужчину/женщину своей мечты и мои отношения сложатся самым счастливым образом?"
"Что если сработает?" "А вдруг получится?"
Почему бы не спросить себя? И если вы понимаете, что долгосрочный результат для вас важнее, тогда вперед! Действуйте!
А как же подводные камни? Конечно, они есть, куда же без них? Если вы выбираете менять свою жизнь, двигаться вперед навстречу своей мечте, то на этом пути вас будут ждать сомнения о своем успехе, страх неудач, сами неудачи как таковые.
Будут моменты, когда вам будет казаться, что вы безнадежный, что у вас ничего не получается. Будут времена неудач и падений. Будут периоды тревоги и сомнений.
Без этого никак. Любой путь к успеху выстлан этими терниями. Мы почти никогда не можем их выдрать с корнем. Потому что они являются частью человеческой природы. Потерять сомнения и тревогу значило бы потерять вменяемость.
Тревожиться по поводу результата своего труда - это нормально (если это, конечно, не хроническая тревога). Это говорит о том, что нам не все равно! Это сообщает нам о том, ЧТО для нас важно! Это напоминает нам о том, что мы живые, чувствующие люди.
Раз это неизбежно, то нам остается лишь принять сомнения, тревогу, страх с любовью, как естественные проявления нашей сущности.
Дать место внутри себя для них!
Расчистить пространство внутри себя для них!
(В этом вам помогут техники принятия, в том числе медитация)
Не пытаться их выкинуть. Не пытаться выдрать часть самих себя.
А двигаться вперед ВМЕСТЕ со страхом. ВМЕСТЕ с тревогой. ВМЕСТЕ с сомнениями!
