Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation in which a person is threatened with troubles or bad consequences if he does not do what is expected of him. Its structure is simple, the demand sounds first, and if a person does not accept it or does not fulfill it, you should be pushed to the “right” decision. The arsenal of the manipulator is wide - notations, threats, flattery, the idea of disagreement as a flaw, etc. Sometimes blackmail is so veiled that you don’t recognize it right away. But there are ways to recognize blackmail and defend against it.
How to learn emotional blackmailer?
Encountering an emotional blackmailer, a person loses willpower. He performs the whim of the manipulator, making decisions emotionally, rather than relying on logic. In order not to fall into the trap, you need to learn to recognize the manipulative techniques. Here are just a few of them, considered with specific examples.
Sacrifice game
A person has an anniversary, a round date - 20 years. He wants to spend the holiday with his friends, but his parents insist that we need to invite relatives, a distant aunt, grandmother, uncle from Transbaikalia, because the family is sacred. And they are all waiting for an invitation, you can not disappoint them. This is a classic situation, parents take the role of victims in order to force children to behave as they want them.
Trolling
A modern kind of emotional blackmail, especially prevalent on the Internet. Trolls provoke interlocutors in a scandal or argument. At the same time, such people remain unknown, they write under other names and photos, remain anonymous. The best punishment for them and the defense of themselves is the lack of reaction and ignoring. So you can deprive them of energy.
Give on give
The blackmailer provides a service or gives a gift, and further makes it clear that he is now waiting for a response. The donor himself chooses what the reciprocal service or gift should be; they are not always equivalent or relevant. The manipulator may exaggerate the value of its services.
For example, a colleague did not tell the authorities that a person leaves home 15 minutes earlier, in return, he asks to cover up his mistakes in work, which could lead to dismissal.
Social values
The most salutary soil for manipulation, values instilled from childhood, which disarm when meeting with an emotional blackmailer.
For example, children are indebted to their parents, because they have invested so much effort in their upbringing. Elders need to be respected, because if the offender is aged, he cannot be answered. Modesty adorns that especially strongly affects girls who meekly fulfill the whims of more powerful men.
Each person can become a manipulator, it is not always done consciously. This is due to lack of attention, fear of loneliness, the inability of another method to influence the situation.
Blackmailer Levers
Psychologists have identified 3 main levers with which the blackmailer tries to control another person through emotions:
- Fear. The blackmailer will put pressure on the fear of humiliation, loneliness, failure. As a rule, he knows what the victim is most afraid of and puts pressure on that. Pressure can be in the form of specific threats - quit, shame when relatives, to give secrets to friends, etc.
- Call of Duty. This lever can be used in the following form: "This is my third offense, another one - and they will fire me, take the blame on myself", "All my classmates have new iPhones, if I don’t have, I will look inferior", " if you leave me i'm going to sleep. "
- Guilt. The blackmailer transfers his responsibility to the victim, makes her feel guilty. You can learn this lever by phrases: "you make me lose my temper," "because of you, I look stupid," "I spent time with you, so I did not have time to do the work."
Types of manipulators
Psychologist Susan Forard derived 4 types of manipulators that use emotional blackmail:
- Executioner. You can hear threats from him. (If you do not come on the weekend, we will part).
- Martyr. Shifts responsibility for their failures to others. (I married you instead of building a career).
- Victim. Threatens with violence on themselves, if you do not get what you want (I can not live without you).
- Hope merchant. Promises benefits from any cooperation with him (If you live with me, you will not have to do anything).
Emotional blackmail is not necessarily expressed in the forehead, often manipulators use only hints. This is enough to appeal to emotions, this option is even more convenient, as it allows them to take the position "I did not say anything, you yourself."
How to cultivate emotional stability?
The first sign that emotional blackmail was used is that a person feels bad. His conscience seized up, he feels himself an egoist. But this feeling can be specially inoculated on a person, therefore emotional stability will help. It can be developed in yourself. Help 3 reception.
Take a pause
If you feel emotional pressure, you need to take a pause and hold an "internal meeting". The questions "Do I really do bad things?", "What is my egoism?", "Why should I do this?" Help. Manipulators most often can operate with just one fact, with no other arguments. They rely on their beliefs and expectations, and this can be considered if they are not answered immediately.
Hit on their bait is due to the fact that a person wants to quickly get out of an unpleasant situation, to feel good again. But for the sake of momentary calm one will have to sacrifice more.
If it is not necessary to make a decision immediately, then it is worthwhile to protect oneself from the manipulator with the phrase "I need to think, I will answer later." If this is not possible, then you need to understand whether there is a problem. For example, the charge “You don’t give me time at all, I’m all alone all the time” can actually mean - “you don’t give me as much time as I want.” It is necessary to determine whether it is possible to compromise in such a situation and what are its boundaries.
Parry
The first thing you can not do - to make excuses. It exposes in a negative light, shows the manipulator that he emotionally hooked you. The best solution is to remain calm, not to show any reaction, to respond calmly. For example, the appropriate answer would be - "you think so, but I am different" or "everyone has different tastes." During the attack you need to protect your position.
Go to confrontation
The purpose of this technique is that the manipulator expressed his true desire, and not hide behind generally accepted norms or empty threats. But during the confrontation, it may be necessary to reconsider one’s own position in order to maintain the relationship with the person.
For example, a colleague is offended that you do not spend time with her outside of work, although you communicate so well, but at the same time you constantly talk about walking with your girlfriend. There are several ways out - to acquaint a colleague with a friend and spend time together, make an appointment with a colleague separately, explain that you just have a good working relationship, not arising in friendship. The latter may offend her, but he will not have to listen to her blackmail again or go to an unpleasant meeting.
To emotional blackmail did not work, it is important not to be afraid to try on the role of "useless wife", "bad boy", "selfish guy", "ungrateful daughter." The opinion of the person should not be formed under pressure. By learning to be free from someone else's approval, you can protect yourself from emotional blackmail.
