Being in love is a powerful state that can partially paralyze other senses, which can occur to anyone, even to a person who already has a regular partner and maybe children.
Heart can not command, as they say. And women, in love with a man who has a wife and at the same time answered them in return, begin to think about how to get a married man away from the family.
Psychology and morality do not always overlap, so practicing psychologists, who are approached by such women, moving away from their own convictions, help them better understand their feelings, comprehend the situation and make a decision.
A man lives in two families: reasons
Statistics treason in Russia is sad: order 75% of menmarried, at least once cheated on his spouse.
Also treason is one of the leading reasons for divorce: about 12-15% of all divorces associated with the betrayal of one spouse.
In this case, the novels on the side rarely drag on, and most often men choose women who are also married to be their mistresses.
This is due to the fact that married women usually perceive an affair not serious and, like their lover, they will hardly seek to leave the family in order to create a new one.
Such an approach guarantees security and tranquility: a woman will ensure that sex is protected, and will not put pressure on her lover, trying to force him to divorce his spouse.
According to statistics, only 11% of unfaithful husbands have a relationship with a free woman and try to break them if they become burdensome. But still there is a considerable number of men who live in two families (and sometimes for three or more).
In some cases, such situations begin to resemble the plot of the Mexican series: a man not only has a mistress, but also brings up children with her, while hiding it for years from legal spouse.
The main reasons that men start living in two families are:
- The presence of strong feelings for his mistress. If a man is deeply in love or loves a woman, he is rarely able to break off relations with her. If, at the same time, a woman experiences reciprocal feelings for him and suits her, their romance can be very long, and they can even have children.
- Various manipulations by the mistress, blackmail. Some women, for various reasons, resort to far from the most adequate methods of influencing a lover: they begin to put pressure on pity, use soft or hard blackmail (“If you leave, your wife will find out about the change!”) And become pregnant “after a fly”, hoping a man with a native child a man just does not give up.
- The availability of sufficient funds for the maintenance of two families. If a man is wealthy and it is comfortable for him to financially support not only the main family, but also his mistress, an affair with her can last a long time.
However, even if a man is not able to fully support the family of his mistress, he can still live in two families, if the mistress and he himself are satisfied with everything.
- The unwillingness of a mistress to end a relationship and find a free man. The reasons for this can be mass: unwillingness to lose money, which the beloved gives, fear of loneliness, strong feelings towards a man, lack of self-confidence, pressure from someone from outside (for example, the mother of a woman is aware of her relationship and that they need to continue, because "Where do you find another such?"), the hope that the relationship will one day become official.
- Relationships with his wife are not satisfied with something, but not enough to want a divorce. For example, he does not like sex with her, and a skilled lover becomes a way to get what she wants. If you have something to talk about with your mistress and there are other reasons for maintaining relationships, they will continue.
- Special reasons. Situations that may be included in this list are quite rare. For example, a man is warm to his wife, who has any serious illnesses and cannot have children. At the same time, he dreams of having children in his family, and by all means vital. But, getting involved in a relationship with another woman, realizes that she can (and not even mind) give birth to his children. He does not want to throw a seriously ill spouse, so as not to hurt her, so he lives in two families and contains financially blood children.
But the main reason for this choice is the presence of opportunity itself. If a man has the necessary conditions for this, and the lover does not mind, he will continue the relationship.
Why married do not go to his mistress?
For most married men, temporary relationships with women are usually do not represent significant valueand the fact that the husband is cheating does not mean that he does not love his wife or is about to leave the family.
Even if a man sings the nightingale to his mistress that his spouse is terrible both externally and internally, does not know how to cook and is mean, and she is a miracle of miracles, this does not mean that he will decide to leave the family. And does not even mean that his words are true.
The main reasons why men do not leave the family to his mistress:
- He loves his wife. Some men even begin to love even more: having been in a relationship with mistresses, they realize that their wife is very beautiful. Having feelings for his wife does not mean that a man will behave decently and does not decide to start a non-binding novel on a business trip or at a resort. And even men living in two families can love wives.
- The presence of conditions that do not allow him to break off relations with his wife. There may be several such conditions. This is the presence of children in a formal marriage, and the unwillingness to spoil the relationship with his wife or her relatives, and the fear of conviction, and the unwillingness to get involved in judicial red tape.
For example, if the father of his wife is rich and thanks to him a man got a well-paying job, he is unlikely to want to divorce.
- He does not consider the relationship with his mistress something serious. He can think so, even if he claims the opposite.
- Everything suits him. He is satisfied with the situation and does not want to change it, he likes that he has relations on the side, he successfully hides them and at the same time plays the role of a good husband for his wife and a wonderful father for children. Often plays sincerely.
How to get a loved one out of the family?
If a man does not want to divorce his wife for good reasons, forcing him to leave the family is extremely difficult, and the only thing that a lover who wants to become his lawful spouse can do is - wait and hope that something will change.
Mistresses seeking to replace a wife can use extremely bad methods of influence, such as:
- Psychological pressure. The mistress may try for a long time to convince the lover to do this, put pressure on pity, threaten to end the relationship, blame. These methods will not bring the desired result and are more likely to worsen the attitude of men.
- Informing the wife about what is happening, in the hope that she will file for divorce. Usually, the mistress tries to draw the wife’s attention to the fact of betrayal in indirect ways (sprinkles the beloved’s clothes with perfume, hides something in his pockets), so that in the end it can be presented as an accident. This method, firstly, hardly guarantees the result, and secondly, it can worsen the attitude of the man if he guesses what happened.
- Pregnancy "on the fly." The mistress can do this in the hope that the child will increase the man’s desire to stay with her, that he will “melt” if he sees the baby. Also, pregnancy and the child can become a way to blackmail a man and his main family (including revenge, if a man broke up with his mistress). But this is an extremely bad method that can hardly force a man to leave his wife if he really does not want it. In this case, the mistress will have an unwanted child in her arms who will hardly be happy.
A woman who fell in love with a married man and really wants to be his wife, it is important to try to think carefully about everything.
If she experiences psychological discomfort at the thought of meeting with a married man, or feels dismay because of her desire to take him away from the family, she It is important to consult a psychologist.
Tips for a mistress who wants to be a wife:
- Behave yourself with him as kindly as possible., avoid quarrels. If you associate a man with scandals and discomfort, he will never decide to leave his wife for you and, in principle, will try to break off relations. Benevolence, caring attitude - the key to the heart of men, whose wives are often scandalous.
- Strive to compare favorably with the spouse. Is your wife cooking badly? Learn to cook well and regularly indulge your lover with quality homemade food. Wife stout after childbirth and does not use cosmetics? Take care of yourself, be attractive. The wife's views and interests are not the same as that of a man? So you must have those that suit him.
Or you should gently, without scandals, change his views: use a qualitative argument, do not push, explain why your opinion is such and why it is important to you.
- Try to learn the art of sex. The man will appreciate the ability to deliver sexual pleasure, especially if the spouse is not too interested in sex.
- Take care. Be interested in his problems, discuss with him what worries him, praise him.
- Respect yourself. Despite all the above ... do not be humiliated. Do what does not disagree with your opinion and desires, do not forget to say “no” if something does not suit you. Do not be a litter, be the one you want to respect.
Before attempting to lead a man away, make sure that you really need it and that the goal is worth the means.
You should also remember that many men show your true face only after marriage and that you can become for him the very “bad” wife about whom he will tell the next mistress.
The spouse has a second family and a child: what to do?
The main advice of psychologists wife:
- After learning about the second family of her husband, take care of yourself. Do everything that you do if you need to recover, at least in part. For example, taking a sedative course, walking, physical activity, water treatments can help you.
If you feel fatigue, you begin to hate yourself, and your mood is depressed, contact your psychotherapist.
- Try to calm down. What happened did not change, and with a fresh head to solve problems is much easier than in a state of hysteria. Try to control yourself in the process of communication with your husband and remember that you need to get out of the situation with the least loss to your own mental and physical health. Starting to deal with problems is better when you feel relative calm.
- Set priorities. Consider what happened, weigh the pros and cons. Do you want to continue the relationship? What will you do if you divorce? Can you provide and raise children, if any, alone? Answers to questions will help you build a further plan of action.
- Talk to your husband. Tell him that you know everything, and offer to talk. Ask him about the reasons for having an affair on the side and what he lacks in official relations. Ask him all the questions and find out what he intends to do.
If you have a lot of other claims to your husband and you understand that you can’t live as before, weigh everything and offer a divorce.
If you think that the preservation of relations will be the right decision, you need to discuss further actions with him.
A good option would be when the husband breaks off relations with his mistress and financially supports her child, if the family income allows it.
It also makes sense to visit a family psychologist alone, and with her husband, and chat with mistressif she does not have significant negative feelings for you.
Former wife invades our lives: what to do?
The man left the family to me, but the former family does not give rest. If the husband had a child in the past family, require him to completely break off the relationship with his wife impractical and disgusting.
On the contrary, it is worth supporting the aspiration of the husband to communicate with the child: children should not become "ex" and lose your father just because he left for another family. Especially since you and your child may be in a similar situation.
Also, the invasion of the former wife is fully adequate, for example, if a man refuses pay child support.
If the husband, unlike you, is not at all against helping the “invading” ex-wife and has maintained a friendly relationship with her, let him continue to communicate with her, especially if they have common children, not scandalous: it will not help anything and only all will aggravate.
But if a man, like you, is not happy with the situation, important:
- politely inform the woman that there will be no support beyond a certain level (for example, the husband will pay child support, but he will not help with anything else);
- if the wife is persistently trying to return the man, you should let her know that restoring the relationship is impossible;
- if a polite dialogue (or several polite dialogues) did not lead to anything, but there are no objective reasons to continue to support your wife and communicate with her: keep her numbers off, do not open the door, ignore her attacks, have patience ;
- if she does something inadequate (blackmail, threats, defamation, attacks, and so on), for which she can be held accountable, contact the police.
If the former wife is behaving strangely and seemingly not quite in herself, but relatively good relations between her and her husband persist, advise him to take her to a psychotherapist: perhaps she needs help.
Keep calm: if a man has no reason to end his relationship with you, he will not leave. And scandals will only worsen his opinion about you.
What if the beloved man is married? Psychologist's tips in this video:
