I am worried about one question. I have a relationship with a guy for 2 years, while we live in the distance, last seen each other on the New Year (I came to him). He is from Smolensk, I am from Moscow Region, Troitsk. The distance is more than 400 km.
We met on a dating site, began to communicate. At first, I did not think that everything would be serious, and we just talked. Understood that we liked each other, and my young man offered to go to rest together on the sea. Let's go to Cyprus. At the airport I was surprised that we match the color of clothes and shoes, and these coincidences were repeated later. He first admitted that he loved me. Then I came to him for the summer (he lives with his parents in a separate house). His parents treat me well.
He acquainted with a part of his friends. I also wanted to introduce the others. In late August, I had to return, work in my city. She left, barely keeping herself from tears. He, too, was uncomfortable.
Then he came to me, we began to alternate visits. We walked a lot in parks, had a good time. In February last year (the day of our acquaintance), he made me an offer, I agreed.
That summer we went to rest in Crete. I planned to move to Smolensk, we wanted to rent a house, but it turned out that for me, as a teacher, there is very low wages. And for my boyfriend (he is IP) it’s unprofitable to leave his clients and move to Moscow, since his salary is lower than his monthly income.
In general, I decided to spend another year separately, he reluctantly agreed. I hoped that I would persuade him, and he would find an advantageous offer in Moscow and move it himself. But he didn’t even watch anything and didn’t send out his offers, although his workload is really big, he works from morning to night.
After the New Year, he had more clients, and since then we have not seen each other, he did not come for my birthday, congratulated only in words. I rarely speak on the phone, mostly I call. Explains this with so many things to do. It happens, responds with displeasure or indifference.
I ask him to call more often, but to sense. He calls only for the night (in the first hour), or he may not call for the day. Almost every day he says he loves and loves. It is mutual. I just think about him all day, I'm used to the fact that he calls and is interested in my affairs. He thinks about everything, as he says. And also: he rarely calls me by name, although I asked him about it. I believe that it is possible to find time to call during the day, although he assures the opposite. It turns out that he does not call, and then I “chastise him” for it.
In general, I love him very much and I want to live with him, get married, have children (he does not mind). Tell me what to do, how to react to all of this, because I'm worried.
Olga, 26 years old.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello Olga.
Any couple, meeting for a long time, sooner or later faces crises. It seems that you now have such a crisis and arose. You yourself feel it, and tell about the changed attitude of your elect to you, which could probably be described by the word "cooling".
Why did this happen? I don’t have a lot of information, but according to your letter, it happened after you decided to start a family, but at the same time you found out that each of you, moving to your beloved one, is quite losing in something. And so far, it seems, in this situation, no one is ready to concede. At first glance, it seems that this is about money / work, but perhaps it’s not just them.
What response does this idea evoke in you? How does she respond in you?
I suggest you reflect on what you are losing and gaining when moving to Smolensk (or have you, in fact, completely abandoned this idea and are only considering the option of your chosen one moving to you)? And what do you think is losing and gaining your young man if he decides to move in with you? How much can his experiences be consistent with the behavior he has been showing you lately? What will change such a move in your relationship (except, of course, obvious things like that you can be together all the time)?
Perhaps the answers to these questions will help you better understand what is happening with you personally, and suggest what your young man’s experiences are and what drives them (as far as possible without reading your thoughts, of course).
Sometimes, to understand these things a little better, it is useful to get some advice from a competent psychologist or psychotherapist. With its help, it is easier to determine what you want for yourself, and what strategy of behavior should be chosen in connection with this.
