Mother's attitude to children has always been an example of quivering love. But some mothers have a pathological feeling of hatred for their children, and more often it concerns daughters. Sometimes this feeling is acutely manifested to a very young child, in other cases it develops as a daughter grows up. This attitude may not like her, frighten loved ones and harm her child.
Sometimes mom herself can do something, sometimes a lot can depend on her daughter. Solving the problem depends on why such unnatural feelings have developed. The causes of hate can vary greatly depending on the age of the child. Visual examples with fictional characters will be used to describe each situation.
Hate newborn
Vera became a mother recently. Being pregnant, she dreamed of how to take care of the baby. But after her birth, the feeling of immense love never came. Even Vera is ashamed to admit to herself that she does not want to take her daughter in her arms, feed or bathe. She is annoyed by her husband's gentle attitude towards the child. Young mother wants to go somewhere, hide, so that in her life there is no daughter again.
The young woman has complete apathy. Vera does not want to eat, but they all persuade with one voice: “Well, you have to feed your daughter with something!”, And she is embraced by anger. She does not want to feed anyone! It seems to a woman that the birth of a child was the biggest mistake in her life.
Does this mean that Vera is definitely a bad mother? Not. According to psychologists, she may hate a newborn daughter because of postpartum depression. It does not depend on which child the child is counting or how the pregnancy proceeded. There are three main reasons:
- Reducing the level of estrogen and thyroid hormones to a level lower than it was before conception. This leads to apathy, fatigue and problems with sleep.
- Lack of sleep and fatigue. Some women who are prone to depression can maintain their condition with a regimen. At birth, the daily routine is disturbed, depression can firmly take its position.
- Unfulfilled expectations. Some women believe that motherhood is inherent in everyone from birth. But the ability to nurse a child comes with experience. Awareness of this can give rise to a sense of inferiority in a woman.
Sometimes postpartum depression can turn into psychosis: this condition is accompanied by hallucinations and obsessive ideas to harm yourself or the child.
Hate teen
Irina Petrovna cannot hide her irritation. She wonders: why does her daughter constantly read to her and scream? She was always a good girl, and now Irina is tired because of her to listen to the accusations of teachers and neighbors. It’s too late to punish her daughter with a belt or put in a corner, so Irina Petrovna is trying to limit her daughter in pocket money or using a computer. But Masha does not recognize such a right for her, takes the money in her wallet and sits on the Internet as much as she wants. If you try to forbid her, she screams so much that the neighbors below knock on the battery.
Mother feels humiliated and impotent. She already simply wants her daughter to be as bad as she is, so that she can understand at least a little how much pain she causes. But Maria stubbornly defends her rights. “I was not like that,” thinks the mother, “this is from her father.” Masha looks like her father, with whom Irina Petrovna divorced many years ago. This similarity depresses the mother. She wants all this to end as soon as possible.
The puberty period is the most difficult stage of growing up for both the child and his parents. Mothers are people too, and they can easily get tired of the endless mood swings of their daughter. This period is not the same for everyone, some women are convinced that during their teenage years they behaved approximately. Even if this is not the case, not everyone remembers himself at this age, or is inclined to blame others for his wrongdoings.
Hatred of adult daughter
Anastasia has not heard from her mother for a long time except reproaches. At the same time, the daughter does not drink, does not smoke, has a good job and even helps her mother financially. Anna Alekseevna demands from her daughter not only money, but also grandchildren, and she also does not like the work and lifestyle of Anastasia.
Anna Alekseevna herself worked as a teacher all her life, her salary was small, relatives helped her to raise three children. The husband was a weak-willed person, he drank, and created many problems. Anna is proud to have raised children with good people. Two younger ones live far away and send their mother photos with their grandchildren, and money and gifts are sent to them - mainly at the expense of Anastasia. Mother does not understand why her daughter does not live as she lived, and how her brother and sister live.
“I spent my life on you!” - this phrase is used by some mothers of adult daughters as an argument to their demands. It seems to them that children are obliged to compensate by obedience for all the hardships faced by their mother after their birth.
They impose their position on children because they want confirmation that they lived right. It collapses if the children live happily in their own way. Mother remains a man, envy can embrace her, for once she, too, could begin to live differently. But to admit it means to admit one’s wrong, not everyone can take such a step.
What can be done
If we are talking about postpartum depression, you may need the help of a specialist and loved ones. Young mother needs to get enough sleep, eat right and walk a lot. We must learn to treat ourselves correctly - not all are born good mothers and hardy family front workers. Some older women may resent saying: “We gave birth in the field!” Once they gave birth, then health allowed them. Now rarely a young woman can boast of a completely healthy body.
In a relationship with a teenager can act both. Daughters need to see in the mother just a woman: tired, with their fears, whims and mood. And try to explain her behavior. Let not justify, but at least explain.
Mother needs to learn to talk with the child, share her feelings and listen to her daughter. It is necessary to listen to the end and without anger, even if what the daughter says she does not like. To communicate was easier, you need to do something together. Most likely, this will not happen immediately, but the result deserves the effort.
It would be unfair to transfer negative feelings towards a father to a child. This is a separate person, and genetics is not a decisive factor at all, in contrast to education and communication.
In relations with an adult mother, daughters have to rely only on their efforts. You should not repeat as a mantra the thought: “Mom hates me,” otherwise it will be difficult to restore peace. First of all, you do not need to enter into direct confrontation. If a woman has not changed to this age, it is unlikely that something will quickly change her. Even the fact that all her requirements regarding the lifestyle of her daughter will be met.
Ideally, you need to have a separate residence.
Instead of disputes it is necessary to think through diplomatic moves. For example, the requirement to have children should not be answered immediately with a refusal - no arguments will be heard. You can say: “Thank you for worrying about me,” “I am preparing.” Other questions can be answered: “Thank you for sharing your experience,” “Unfortunately, as long as I can’t influence it at all.” If you find something to thank for, it will be nice for mom, and you will probably avoid conflict.
The relationship between mother and daughter is not always simple. Sometimes you need specialist help and rest, sometimes the ability to treat each other with understanding. With some women will help communicate condescension. In any case, these relationships are very valuable, just to give them up.
Olga, Volgograd
