Most people have very negative feelings if they have to refuse another person. How to learn to say "no" - every second patient of a practicing psychologist asks at one of the sessions, since the problem of competent refusal is not so much personal as social.
It so happened in our society that decent and "right" is considered a situation in which a person always goes towards others, even to the detriment of their own desires and capabilities. Since childhood, we are laid down in fear of refusing a request, as a result, a person either constantly does something very unpleasant to him, or is forced to dodge and lie.
The content of the article:
Rejection rules
Advantages of the scheme
The final stage of failure
Psychologist's comment
In both cases, the feeling of guilt (in front of the interlocutor or himself) displeasure and irritation will not keep you waiting. That is why each of us should learn to say a firm "no" in such a way as not to offend the one who asks.
Rules of competent refusal
First you need to properly understand and remember the scheme of failure, it will give you strength in a difficult situation to respond correctly, even if you are confused and worried. I used this scheme for about a month before it became familiar, now I answer without thinking, and always sincerely. 
So, if you are asked about something unpleasant, undesirable, difficult (for example, pick up a friend at night from the station):
- to begin with, mirror the partner - you want me to pick you up from the train station at three in the morning;
- formulate the refusal, using the "I-message" - I need to get up at 7 am to work, and tomorrow I have an important day. I can not spend half the night without sleep, and have to give up this trip;
- tell me about your feelings - I am very sorry that I cannot help my best friend in such a situation, I am distressed;
- if a person has something to say in response, listen;
- Offer your solution to the issue, not forgetting the rule "50" - come on, I will call a taxi for you at the time of arrival of the train.
It may happen that a person starts to persuade you to change the decision. The main thing at this moment is not to get angry, but simply to repeat its refusal with a small restructuring of the proposal. It is with the introduction of a detailed discussion that false consent begins.
Important! I-messages are only about you. You can not start it with the pronoun "I" and then go to the partner.
An example of how to speak is not necessary - "I can not pick you up from the station, because you will come very late." This phrase is nothing special, but subconsciously it is perceived as a search for the guilty.
What is this scheme good for?
It uses the postulates developed by leading practicing psychologists. For example, we learn about I-messages from the books of Yu.B. Hippenreiter, a wonderful specialist. This skill is really very useful.
Mirroring the partner, we inform him that we really listened to him carefully. Often a person starts a refusal in the following way: "yes, you understand, I have here ..." and the interlocutor already has a basis for internal insult. He is not heard, from the first words they want to get out. It is important to let the person know that you heard him.
Important! It is impossible to exactly repeat the phrase of the interlocutor, it is like a mimicry and can offend. It is necessary to convey heard in your own words. By the way, at this stage it may become clear that you did not understand each other.
I-message gives the possibility of soft failure, in which there is no opposition. At the same time, it makes it clear that your intentions are solid, they do not depend on external factors. So you are depriving the applicant of the opportunity to put pressure on you or bargain. Speaking about your own feelings, you make it clear to the person that he is not alone now. Refusal is unpleasant to him, you are not good either. However, you are forced to refuse, despite the negative feelings.
Offering a solution to a question is a wonderful opportunity to show a friendly attitude towards a person and help him. But psychologists say that help should be useful, it should not provoke the petitioner to try to solve the problem at the expense of others. And here the golden rule will help - in the offer of 50% of the efforts you undertake, the remaining 50% remain the partner. By sharing responsibilities, emotions and responsibility, you are already helping.
The final stage of failure
When it became clear how to learn to refuse, you need to understand more and how to work with the consequences. You should not expect that after refusal a person will be pleased and will leave you alone with a smile. After all, we all were brought up according to a certain pattern, and just as we were not taught to refuse, we are not able to accept failures either.
At the heart of both processes is the understanding that each person has his own freedom of choice. You have the right to ask about anything, you have the same right to refuse. But the aspirant may then experience negative feelings and inform you about it. If in his speech there were no insults, you should not be offended. 
Sometimes, when a person is just beginning to designate the boundaries of his personality and in some situations say “no,” they try to put pressure on him with insults and accusations. It is important not to take them to heart. Even when he was ablaze, the interlocutor later understands your position and will appreciate your relationship even more. If not, then this person was only set to use you.
The final stage of failure begins already after the main "no" is said. During this period, you need to accept and understand any emotions of the one who asked, but also remain true to your interests. Remember, you have already done so much more than you could by accepting an unpleasant offer and fulfilling the promise poorly.
Anna, Moscow
