Who am i? This question is taken by surprise and in adulthood. But a scene from the Harry Potter book immediately comes to mind: Hagrid tells the boy that he is a wizard. To which he replies: "I can not be a wizard. After all, I'm just Harry." The path of self-knowledge took a long 7 volumes. And this is in the presence of spells for a magic wand. But we also have magical attributes at our disposal: books, advice from psychologists and trainers. Did not work the first time? Nothing, the rat in the vase, too, did not immediately turn around.
How to understand who I am
The good news is that all the necessary advice has already been given. The wisdom of self-knowledge was formed in the time of Archimedes, and for all this time it has only slightly changed. The news is bad: recipes do not help. Why? There are three reasons:
- It is beneficial for people to remain in a childish state of helplessness. They know how to act, but choose the usual comfort and doing nothing.
- A sincere desire to help oneself is not enough. For every good advice you need a dozen more on how to implement it.
- Many expect miracles with minimal energy. Impatient researchers want to learn a language in one evening and become an advanced yogi after a week of meditation.
Below is a checklist of seven items of work on oneself. A checklist is a list of checks. We passed the check - put a tick, crossed out the item, felt relieved. The list can be adjusted or supplemented.
Adopt parents
Blaming parents for their own failures has already become a trend. There is no point in this. First, they raised the children as best they could, they did not read the columns in psychological journals, and sometimes they just survived. Secondly, adult life lasts much longer than childhood, so there is every chance to educate yourself.
But to sincerely forgive a person who is used to looking upwards is not easy. It is even harder to accept the fact that you have a lot in common. The reconciliation of reconciliation will only leave a residue in the soul, but will not bring relief.
Forgiveness is a difficult path, it is difficult to start and impossible to finish. But there are a few tricks:
- You can ask for forgiveness in absentia. In life, this is called "getting into someone else's skin," and in psychology there is a two-stool method.
How does he work. Take 2 chairs. Sit on one yourself, on the other sit the imaginary parent. Present it in details: clothes, features of appearance, a manner to sit. Give an imaginary dad or mom a complaint. After that, change to their place and try to assess the situation in terms of their reality. And so you can change for a long time, but do not overdo it. What accumulated over the years, it is impossible to fix at once.
- You can not forgive. Only need to learn to live with it. As the film’s heroine replied to the question of whether she managed to make peace with her mother: “Mom and I agreed to refuse to understand each other.”
Take the starting conditions for granted
We did not choose which country or family we would be born in. Did not choose a date of birth and a place in which grew. This should be taken for granted. If you do not do this, you can live your whole life, tormented by comparisons: "but if I were to ...", "be with me ...". Such an illusion of choice causes only resistance. By accepting that which is, we are laying the foundation for accepting ourselves. Then we get another "adult" right - the right to choose. Choose where to work, not because parents once forced to graduate from high school, but because they want to. To live according to your own script as you see fit.
Accept yourself if you can't love at first sight
Loving yourself is the most controversial advice that has already turned the edge. It causes constant controversy among psychologists and researchers. Some believe that such a verbal appeal is naive. This is achieved by lengthy behavioral training. Others argue that loving themselves is easy and offer themselves as a mentor. In any case, you need to love yourself, otherwise why search for a path to what you don’t like.
We believe that it is much easier to love yourself slim than fat. Or you can respect yourself successfully, and I am a loser who deserves only contempt. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite. For the simple phrase "love yourself" is a bottomless layer of work on yourself. It sounds lofty, but what it is, that is, it will have to dig long and deep. Nobody knows how to do this from beginning to end.
There is not only one council, there is no uniform methodology. Someone examines himself through trying to love his own body. Someone is trying to establish social contact, and the usual hug for him already has a feat. Someone breaks up with illusions about their own omnipotence. Need to find. Need to try. Get angry, quit and look again. And in this difficult matter will help the practicing psychologist and the technique of "small steps".
How does it work. Set yourself specific and measurable goals in time, deeds or numbers. Then we can observe the result, find a reason to be proud of ourselves and begin to probe the path on the way to ourselves.
Incorrect goal setting. Get rich / Lose weight
Proper goal setting. Next month (term) earn 10% more (figure) than in the past / Drop two kilograms per month. But before that, at least weigh in.
Result. After the stipulated time limit, review the results. It went - put a new goal. But the same scary and measurable.
Dose fanaticism
We love to rush to extremes. For years, we neglect physical exercise, then we come to the gym, tear the barbell and bundles. We go with the flow, suddenly become puzzled by the question of self-knowledge and it started: tons of literature that is not only impossible to understand, read, seminars and the endless echo of the phrase: "am I trembling or do I have the right to?"
Do not engage in self-analysis at work, while relaxing with your family or meeting friends. It’s impossible to be included all your life, otherwise there’s not enough alcohol to relax. Take some time for self-analysis so you can talk to a smart person in a relaxed atmosphere.
Distinguish perseverance and obstinacy
Lack of flexibility interferes in life and at work. It is especially significant for managers. Many of them behave too authoritarian, because they fear the laxity of subordinates. Others, on the contrary, play democracy and complain that they are not taken seriously. The decision is that at some moments it is necessary to show perseverance, but you need to be able to listen and hear others.
Perseverance is a manifestation of flexibility and susceptibility to change in achieving your own goal. It does not manifest itself to the detriment of its own principles, but it also does not allow one to isolate oneself from others. Finding the answer to the question "who am I?" - a process known to be unfinished. Man is an open system, constantly changing and unpredictable. It is important to understand which set of beliefs moves you towards the goal, and correct it on the path of self-knowledge.
Match the scale of values and emotions with a simple exercise.
Often we consider as value what it is customary to do in society. Or we want to look good in the eyes of others. But inside something all the time does not fit in, some kind of incompleteness is felt. To clarify the issue there is an exercise.
Exercise. Divide a sheet of paper into 2 parts. In the left write 10 values in life: from above - the most important, and move to the bottom of the descending. In the right column, write 10 joyful cases, also in descending order. Now compare these 2 lists to understand: to what extent values or priorities correspond to emotions in specific cases.
Paradox, but often they are diametrically opposed. So, in front of sports is the pleasure of eating a burger. It turns out that significant life events excite the imagination less than simple everyday trifles. This is where the question of disagreement between the concepts of "necessary" and "important" arises. If they do not completely coincide, then you are at the very beginning of the path to yourself.
Listen to the strings of the soul, perhaps they have long been ringing
A person lives in sensations: physical, emotional and mental. How to understand yourself? From time to time, sit on the bank of a real or imaginary river and think about your destination. If the strings of the soul ring, you should continue to do your own thing. If not - you need to work on yourself further.
Life advice from Peter Mamonov (actor, musician, poet): "Ask yourself the question: why do I live? Only in this way, really ask. If nobody felt good today because I spent the day, then I lived it for nothing."
Diary or fashion freeriting
Many people know about the benefits of keeping a diary. There is another effective way to understand yourself - freeriting.
Freeriting is a way to reveal useful ideas in the general stream of thoughts.
How it works. Take a few sheets of paper, a pen that writes, detect 20 minutes on the timer and write everything that comes to mind. Do not stop for a second, write freely and quickly. You can make your intuition an additional tip: write a problem as a topic and only write about it for the entire time allowed. You can ask yourself the most simple life questions, immediately answer them, without rereading.
What gives freeriting. Free-form sentences pull problems, questions, anxieties, and solutions from the subconscious. First, you deal with all the "stale problems": insults, feelings of guilt, anger. In this way you can find out the relationship with parents, forgive them. Gradually, the horizon begins to brighten. There is energy, dreams, strength. Now you can clarify for yourself the problem of your own destination, find a favorite hobby or calculate hidden talent. It is important to do it regularly, better every day.
The question "who am I" is the most important question in the life exam. Sinuses and chemistry are taught in school, but they do not teach to be themselves. To learn this on your own will require courage, strength, honesty with respect to yourself, trust, patience. The ability to live in harmony with oneself and with the outside world will not be the most important question.
