Being late for work and winning the lottery combines one thing - a coincidence. Successful or not - we decide ourselves. Why do some become eternal hostages of circumstances, while others create these circumstances themselves? What behavior is called proactive? How to recognize a sacrifice? We cannot control the circumstances, but we can wrap them for our own benefit.
What is the circumstance
A circumstance is a specific situation or action that affects a person’s behavior, thinking, and worldview. These situations themselves are neutral.. They get the power we give them. The actions and way of thinking of a person depend on the assessment that he gives to the evolving circumstances. Someone constantly complains about karma and considers himself a victim. And someone, despite the current situation, is changing its own life.
Circumstances are associated with a measure of responsibility. For example, in legal documents there is such a term "force majeure". It denotes insuperable circumstances (natural disasters, strikes, for example) that relieve the parties from liability. But in ordinary life degree of responsibility we define ourselves:
- Reactive or dependent behavior the one who considers himself a victim of the situation chooses, prefers to depend on external circumstances.
- Proactive behavior - is the ability to soberly consider all the circumstances of their reality, act and make choices in accordance with them.
The difference between a proactive person and a hostage situation is a responsibility. The person responsible for his life knows for sure: all that he has is the result of his efforts or doing nothing. Sacrifice of circumstances will never be responsible for their actions, and all responsibility will shift to the environment. Proactivity requires effort, work on oneself, courage to look into the eyes of one's fears. Helplessness perfectly adapts to a humiliating or any other unpleasant situation. And it adapts so much that a voluntary victim cannot and does not want to get out of the uncomfortable state.
What is the benefit of sticking in the role of victim of circumstances?
Few people can resist the temptation to be unhappy and feel sorry for themselves. But when it is temporary and reasonable - this is the norm. And when the position of the victim is the only way of existence, then problems begin.
In objective terms, the victim is a person who has suffered from disasters, violence, and other mass tragedies. But in practical psychology the victim is called the one who voluntarily took on this role and maintains its internal stateto match her. Voluntary sufferers create problems for themselves professionally and experience an incredible thrill from every situation. Not only that, they benefit from their position.
- Benefit 1. The sufferer is always in the center of events. When a person aches and complains, he gets into unpleasant situations, they feel sorry for him. Of course, there are villains, tyrants, mentors, allies, interested viewers. In general, life is in full swing, and the main sufferer in it plays a leading role.
- Catch 2. You can do nothing. When the boss oppresses, the husband does not help, the children do not study well, and the government does not care, all that remains is to lie down on the sofa and continue to suffer. After all, a difficult life situation gives it every right.
- Catch 3. You can shift the responsibility for your life to others. No money? At work, do not appreciate. Children are not raised? Grandma spoiled. Late? The car did not start. That is, the sufferer has a bad life, the "evil people" and the confluence of unpleasant circumstances are to blame.
From the outside, it seems that such people are infinitely patient and incapable of showing aggression. But in fact, the aggression in them is not just a lot, but a lot. But the victims show aggression passively, covertly, as if they are dripping drop by drop. For example, on the statement of the son of marriage, mother clutches her heart and says that her son wants her death. Thus, she forces her son to submit to her will.
The origins of the human victim
Psychotherapists know that the psychology of the victim is a behavioral stereotype that is developed under the influence of fear. Fear can be fixed after the psychotrauma suffered in childhood (assault or sexual abuse, for example) or be the result of education. For example, a child is accused of situations that he does not control (soils clothes, falls, cries). When such a child grows up, he is afraid of everything in a row, unconsciously transmitting fear, which attracts new unpleasant situations. That is, the victim always meets his maniac.
Workers of science and practicing coaches have been dissecting the history of shark business for decades to understand the secret of their success. The purpose of research: not just to study the history of achievements, but to understand their mechanisms. The result is to create a clear and understandable plan that will help you to be successful and happy, to conquer new heights.
Those who still consider the circumstances of life invincible, psychologists recommend reading Victor Frankl’s book “Saying Life“ Yes. ”The story of a prisoner of a concentration camp who created an organization of psychological help for prisoners who arrived could be an excellent remedy against their own feelings of helplessness and despondency.
How to recognize the sacrifice of circumstances
Recognizing the sacrifice is very difficult. Especially if this is the main role since childhood. If you are unhappy yourself and feel that you can poison the lives of others, answer yourself a few questions:
- Tell about your failures in all details? Voluntary sufferers do not just talk about events, but add details, talk about their feelings. Do this until they are spared.
- You think everyone owes you? The logic of “deprived of fate” of a person is simple: if others got more, it means they must share with me. In the case of help, they do not even thank, or vice versa, crumble in a tedious-infinite gratitude.
- Do you have low self-esteem? Low self-esteem is an indulgence that justifies doing nothing. And the victim does not interfere at all. But she uses other people's mistakes to increase her credibility.
Checklist: words and phrases that victims use too often:
- Sorry, sorry.
- I didn't do anything bad to you.
- To endure all is my karma.
- Why do I need all this?
- How could you do this to me?
- Me, a little man is easy to offend.
Say these phrases out loud. What do you feel? If they respond in the soul with pain, resentment, it means that the next thought could be "I am a victim of circumstances and my environment and I can do nothing about it."
Voluntary sufferers adapt to any circumstance instead of gathering strength and getting out of it. But there is also good news: they adapt to the good as quickly as to the bad. The remedy that eliminates the role of the victim is the desire to stop being. It is not simple. Therefore, it is more efficient to work with learned helplessness syndrome with a mentor. Girlfriends or close relatives, unfortunately, will not help. It is better if it is a practicing psychotherapist.
findings
- Circumstances themselves are impersonal. The main thing - what power we give them.
- Proactiveness and voluntary sacrifice are two opposite positions in relation to the life situation.
- The decision to stop being a sufferer is a serious change in life. But it is worth it.
- Recognizing the sacrifice is not easy. For starters, you can take a honesty test.
Work on yourself can be done independently. But it is better to do this in tandem with a psychotherapist.
