Our people have one common flaw, outweighing all the arguments of common sense. This is the belief in the existence of the Good Man. Pupils diligently write an essay on the topic "How to become a good person." Parents put it as an example to their offspring: "good kids behave decently." And leaders reproachfully say to their subordinates "good workers leave on Saturdays." Who is this invisible hero - an image from Soviet films or a real resident of the planet Earth?
If you aim to describe the ideal hero, you too often have to use the prefix "not": he does not offend, does not betray, does not deceive. But at the same time he is kind, responsive, noble and courageous. Although, wait, this is after all the "son of my mother's girlfriend." After all, he was born only to be better than me. But no, nobody saw him either.
Each person has his own list of obligatory qualities of this superhero: one recalls pride, self-sacrifice, the other - the ability to forget about their interests for the common good. But for some reason, imagination begins to draw the image of a loser, a loser, a formless bore that everyone uses, but does not respect.
The answer to the question "how to be a good person" - titanic work and an impossible task. Because such people do not live, they only confirm the high title of "good." Without the right to make mistakes or bad emotions like anger and despondency. A man without his own desires, because all the energy goes to the execution of others. Is he happy? Hardly.
A good person in the general sense is a comfortable person. And in Slavic culture - just boring. The “normal person” enjoys much more respect - with all the passions and upheavals in life. He can be a womanizer or monogamous, a scientist or a builder, but not a scoundrel. So the question is easier to formulate in this form: how to become a normal person.
We talked with psychologists about this topic and came to the conclusion: in most cases, a good person causes a feeling of pity, but not respect. To achieve the ideal is not only impossible, but also boring. But you can learn to become good in relation to yourself. Then others will appreciate it. Here are a few points that we would never pay attention to if it were not for the practice in the field of psychology.
Allow yourself all the feelings without dividing the good or bad
We are happy to try on our pride, trust, warmth, but we categorically deny the hardening, disgust, anger, and vulnerability. Because they got used to it: they punish for the wrong emotions.
Craftsmen to suppress their own feelings - those who fear their manifestation. They think: "if I give vent to my feelings, then I lose control of myself or worse, I will hurt my loved ones."
Feelings are not enemies. These are comrades who help to understand the details of a personal story. They appear beyond our desire. And do not go anywhere, if they do not give a way out. Unrecognized feelings lie in the body layers of irritation, dissatisfaction and very real physical diseases.
What should I do? Ask yourself: what do I feel now? Close your eyes, try to present your feeling as accurately as possible at this moment. Do not feel sorry for the colors, describe it in a grotesque form with exaggerations. Want to shout - shout, cry - cry, stand on the table, be proud of yourself to impossibility. Try on feelings like clothes. Perhaps a new dress will please you.
Learn to distinguish between pity and compassion
Many confuse these two concepts. Pity makes it possible to look down upon a person. They say that I’m smart from the height of my experience understand how hard it is for the poor. The feeling of pity for another person deprives him of internal support, the ability to independently cope with their experiences. Even worse is love out of pity or total self-pity. It turns out a vicious circle: pity-attempt to support yourself-failure-pity.
Have you noticed how moms comfort children?
Some people say: "Poor thing, why are you so awkward with me" or "who did you come from so unhappy?"
Others console them differently: "I understand that the pen hurts. Nothing, it will soon pass," or "Yes, it hurts, but you can handle it."
Feel the difference? In the first case, the mother talks down to the child, maintains a feeling of helplessness and dependence on circumstances. As a result, the child grows up, but constantly needs someone else’s shoulder. In the second case, the mother shows that she understands the pain of the child, is nearby, but at the same time allows him to relive the situation.
Empathy helps to accept another person with all his experiences, that they say "on equal terms". To share the pain of others, but not to plunge into it so much that it would destroy you personally. Do not add additional suffering to your own, otherwise the heart just will not stand it.
What should I do? Try to separate compassion from your own emotions. It turns out far from the first time. The easiest way is to have compassion without words, but just empathize. This is best help hugs. And empathy will help to learn compassion without suffering.
Develop empathy or the ability to empathize without destroying yourself
Empathy is more than a feeling. This is an opportunity to experience the same feelings as the interlocutor, but a little detached. Do not dive into the abyss, and try to analyze the situation. The scheme is this: you understand other people's experiences, like taking a part on yourself, but you do not connect your own emotions, but your common sense. As a result, the feelings are clear and divided, but the interlocutor also receives a “side view”.
Fully immersed in the state of another hard. Rather, it is difficult to get out of it without loss for your own psyche. Practicing psychologists are proficient in this science, because it is impossible every time to pass through other people's suffering and pain. But it is with this that the clients come to the psychotherapist. So let's leave it to the professionals. It is quite possible to develop interest in others and attention to their experiences.
What should I do? Master the method of active listening. So you exclude the moment of rivalry and egocentrism. But lay the foundation for friendly relations.
- Ask the other person how they feel at that moment. Remember that we are not interested in his past offenses or thoughts on the subject. Rely on feelings through questions:
What worries you most?
What did you feel in that situation?
- Do not interrupt, do not slip into your own examples, but ask clarifying questions:
You said you felt crushed. I correctly understood that ...?
Let's clarify: did you feel disappointed when ...?
- Refrain from statements like:
I know what you feel.
I think you were wrong about your feelings.
Results:
- Emotions and feelings without division
- Pity and compassion without suffering
- Empathy as a super sense
They will not make you a good person in all walks of life. They will help to complement the list of qualities that you consider important. Otherwise, in the country of the Living People can not be.
Do I need to be good?
Imagine the situation: you are lying on the operating table and see that the surgeon is approaching you. But he says "Good Man" on his badge. You ask if he has any education or experience in surgery. To which he replies: "my mother says that I am good, my relatives and friends agree with this. Is this not enough?". Do you think you want him to start cutting you? That's it.
Sad but life fact: we are not loved because we are good or bad. We are loved for the benefits we can bring to others. Unconditional love happens at parents with children or at close relatives. All the others, alas, are waiting for us to benefit.
Everyone has their own secret and impracticable list with answers to the question: how to become a good person. Although the conclusion suggests itself: a good person is one who feels good. In the meantime, you can say to yourself: you, my boy / girl, are unique with all their flaws, folds on the sides, phobias and silly habits. This is no more. And only you can live in harmony with yourself.
