Domestic violence: how it manifests itself and what to do with it

Many people mistakenly believe that domestic violence is the lot of dysfunctional families. Unfortunately, it can touch everyone. Most often it is the woman who suffers. By virtue of her softness, she can endure the mockeries of the aggressor for a very long time, but the limit comes to everything. What to do in this situation? Is it possible to re-tyrant? How to protect children from attacks?

What do people call domestic violence?

Domestic violence is not only the use of physical force within the family. Such a phenomenon may be psychological, sexual, and even economic. Let's consider each case separately:

Physical abuse is harm to human health. Impact can be direct and indirect. In the first case, the victim suffers from beatings, slaps, jolts, slaps, throwing various objects, etc. In the second case, the tyrant chooses a more sophisticated way. This may be sleep deprivation, denial of a toilet, sitting on drugs or alcohol. In addition, physical violence does not include the provision of first aid, as well as harm to people or animals with the aim of psychological impact on the victim.
Sexual abuse is the use of a person’s sexuality against his will. Violence can occur physically or take the form of psychological pressure. In addition, the abuser may use the victim's helplessness - a state of deep sleep, intoxication, etc. Often, the tyrant believes that he can force his spouse to sex only on the basis of marriage. However, all that is contrary to the will and desire of another person is a type of violence.
Psychological abuse is verbal pressure to gain control and authority over the victim. This includes blackmail, insult, humiliation, the threat of harm, interrogation, behavior control, restriction of communication with other people.
Economic violence is the sole dominion of the family budget, the allocation of funds for the "maintenance" of the victim, the intentional waste of money in order to put pressure on the spouse. Also, the economic form of domestic violence can manifest itself in the form of a ban on employment, education.
Child abuse. The child may be subject to physical, psychological, sexual, economic pressure. In addition, domestic violence is the absence of care from adults who are responsible for a minor.

Attention! According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, domestic violence is found in every fourth Russian family (as of 2008).

The reasons

Propensity to violence in most cases is formed in childhood. Tyrant is a special neurotic psycho-type of personality. Neurotic is characterized by emotional instability, deep insecurity, fear, which eventually develop into a stable negative to others. Another characteristic feature of this psychotype is the desire to dominate people. The neurotic is ready to make the maximum of his efforts for this. But why does a person become so? There are several such reasons:

Heredity. The case when genes are to blame. A child may be raised in a strange family, but if his heredity is too strong, then this will manifest itself over time. Perhaps, with the right upbringing, the person will be more restrained, but in certain situations neurotic behavior will slip.
An example of a parental relationship. The child unknowingly adopts a model of adult behavior in the family. If the father is used to solving conflicts with his fists and the humiliation of his spouse, then the son willy-nilly will do the same. He simply does not know another example of how to build family relationships.
Attitude to the child. The formation of a neurotic psychotype can be influenced by both hyper-care and parental abuse. In the first case, the child is not taught how to react to failure. He cannot solve problems, because they always did it for him. In case the child was abused, he adopts the model of the behavior of the strongest, in order not to experience more of those feelings when he was humiliated. By inflicting pain on others, he takes out all the anger and negativity that he feels towards his offenders.
Strong emotional turmoil. These include torture, bullying of peers, brutal assault, prolonged tyranny in a previous marriage. Surprisingly, the tyrant often has the experience of the victim. That is why his arsenal of bullying is huge.

The first signs of a tyrant in the family

Immediately recognize a person prone to domestic violence is almost impossible. Such people often show their negative traits exclusively at home. From the side they look impeccable. A family tyrant most often carefully monitors his appearance and reputation. The only exception is persons with mental illnesses (including those arising on the background of alcoholism).

A characteristic feature of the tyrant is a gradual increase in control. At first, the pressure exerted on the victim is soft enough. After a conflict, the tyrant is always affectionate and gentle, trying in every possible way to make amends. Gradually, however, the tendency toward domestic violence emerges more and more. The negative to the victim is more and more, the tense stages of the relationship are getting longer and reconciliation is shorter. The purpose of this behavior is to quietly reduce the victim’s self-esteem, to achieve unconditional submission, in other words, to intimidate.

But can a tyrant disguise so well? Fortunately, no. An attentive woman will always pay attention to the "first bells":

pathological jealousy, suspicion;
mood swings, flashes of anger;
excessive irritability;
shifting the blame for their actions to others;
the ability to justify any of their actions;
cruel treatment of animals and children;
rudeness in sexual relations;
the ability to cause self-pity;
categorical in judgments;
neglect of other people's problems, needs, opinions;
experience of the aggressor or victim in previous relationships.

What to do?

Domestic violence in the family has two ways to deal with it - breaking up a relationship or working seriously with a psychologist in order to preserve the family. Which option to choose, each pair decides for itself. However, it is worth noting that in the presence of sexual abuse of children, as well as in the case of severe beatings, the tyrant bears criminal responsibility. About the preservation of the family with such a person, even speech can not go. But let's consider both solutions to the problem separately.

Is it possible to get along with a tyrant?

We should immediately stipulate that it is completely impossible to re-educate a home tyrant. However, there is a chance to build a more or less comfortable relationship. To do this, the aggressor needs to be aware of its problem and want to work on itself. Unfortunately, it is impossible to "re-educate" yourself. The help of a psychologist who specializes in problems of the individual and family is needed here. By the way, working with the victim is imperative. After all, domestic or domestic violence often happens in those families where both spouses are neurotic. A normal person will not be able to contact a tyrant for a long time.

Curious. As a rule, families of neurotics are very strong. Relationships last for years, and sometimes for life. Despite all the irrationality and painfulness of what is happening, spouses cannot live without each other. Pathological attraction here is perceived as the most true love and passion. In fact, despite all the torment, the victim and the tyrant understand each other perfectly. They are able to anticipate the actions and feelings of a partner, and react in the way expected from them. This creates an atmosphere of a certain unity and stability in the family.

Normal relationships do not attract neurotic. The absence of conflicts, the impossibility of "sacrificing the game and the aggressor," is perceived by them as a miserable existence. Therefore, if the partner suddenly ceases, or does not want to initially fulfill its role, the couple simply falls apart.

If the situation is critical

How to deal with a tyrant, if his behavior is already beyond all limits? What to do when children suffer from domestic abuse? The first thing you need to realize is that you can no longer stand up to the aggressor alone, which means it's time to ask for help. The injured person should write a statement to the law enforcement authorities. In addition, people who have been subjected to domestic violence can receive psychological and legal assistance in special crisis centers that exist in many cities of Russia. At the moment there is a helpline - 8 800 7000 600 (from 9 to 21). Calls to it are absolutely free, including from mobile numbers.

What threatens the tyrant if the victim writes a statement to him? Unfortunately, in Russia the law on the prevention of domestic violence has not yet been adopted. Therefore, a tyrant cannot be held responsible for verbal abuse and bullying (unlike many other countries). However, upon the occurrence of violence, law enforcement agencies can and should act. Thus, the criminal code (ch. 16, Art. 105-125 and Ch. 18, Art. 131-135) provides for liability for intentional harm to human health, life and sexual integrity.

How to break a relationship with a tyrant?

According to statistics, all victims of domestic violence sooner or later decide to break off relations with the tyrant. However, most often such attempts do not end with anything good.

The fact is that the victim is always deeply dependent on the spouse, both physically and emotionally (which the aggressor actually seeks). Therefore, after some time she returns to the family. Usually the main reason is the absence of another living space, escape in a hurry (without documents and personal belongings), fear of starting a new life, hope that the aggressor will correct.

But then how to leave once and for all? We need to act as follows:

Do not inform the tyrant of your intention to break with him.
Find a place to stay for a long time (preferably as far as possible).
Write a list of documents and personal items that you take with you. It is important to take everything you need to then not return.
When everything is ready, wait for the absence of the tyrant, get together and leave for a new place.
On the same day, change the SIM card.
Having moved, ask for the help of a crisis psychologist, enlist the support of relatives.
Apply for a divorce, if necessary, write a statement about the harm to yourself or children.

My opinion. Keeping a family where violence flourishes is dangerous. The flywheel of events can unleash so that it ends in the murder or disability of one of the spouses, or even worse, children. Therefore, it is necessary to try by all means to “recover” from this sick attachment. Believe me, you can still experience real feelings, feel care, affection, love. Quiet happy family life is possible for everyone. No matter how sad you have experience, how old you are, whether you have 7 children. Read the stories of former victims of domestic violence (Christina Aguilera, Holy Berry, Rihanna, Valeria, Jasmine, Christina Orbakaite and many others). Make the right decision.

In conclusion, it should be noted that domestic violence will be eliminated only when every child is brought up in a happy family, where adults respect, value and love each other. It is we who set an example of how to behave with a wife or husband. Achieve your own fist or affectionate word. To suffer humiliation or give a fitting rebuff. The choice is yours.