If you were shot with a poisoned arrow and the doctor would insist on pulling her out, what would you do? "Would you ask questions like“ who shot? ”,“ What kind of person was he? ”,“ Who made the arrow? ” "," who made the poison? ", etc., or would you let the doctor immediately pull out the arrow?
- buddha
This article applies not only to those who suffer from depression or panic attacks, but also to people who have other emotional and mental problems: stress, outbursts of anger and irritability, bouts of depression, etc.
This post will also be useful to people in difficult situations. In general, this article should be useful to all.
Almost every day I communicate with people with depression and I see how many unnecessary and unnecessary questions they ask themselves and others. Such questions that do not always have the answer. Such questions that lead to despondency and pity for themselves. Meaningless and unnecessary questions that lead a person from the path of getting rid of their ailments.
I myself suffered from depression and panic attacks and I remember how much time I spent searching for answers to these questions. And this search did not lead me to anything but new suffering.
Here I will publish a list of what you can not ask yourself and others, if you are depressed.
Question 1 - When will it end?
“When will the pills work?”, “When will the fear pass?”, “When will the doctor help me?”, “When will the therapy take its toll and I will finally feel better?” “When will the attack end, and I will again feel myself on a horse?” - many people with depression or other illnesses ask.
I understand perfectly well that it is difficult for them and they really want to make it easier for them. But such questions create only a new wave of suffering and exacerbate depression. And besides, these questions have no meaning.
The fact is that depression or fear will end only when the time comes. Some more specific answer to the question can not be assumed. And with your every question: "When?" you will only distance yourself from this time.
After all, when? - This is the result of rejection of the current state of affairs and orientation of attention to some uncertain future. You think, "would rather have passed" now, "when I feel bad and would come later, when I feel good, I will get rid of all my ailments."
If you want to get rid of depression and panic attacks, you need to learn to be “here and now”, to work with what you have, and not to direct all your thoughts into some abstract future in which you will be fine.
What is happening to you now is already happening and it is happening for a number of reasons. Now you are in this boat, and no one knows what will happen next. And when it comes later, it is up to you.
If you constantly think: “When?”, Then this “later”, which you are waiting for, may never be for you.
Accept the situation as it is. Get rid of expectations like: "I should always be good," "I should be fun," "I should be happy." Your condition is as it is now and there can be no other.
Stop waiting for "later", and act now. Live the way you want to live, not paying attention to depression. Do not wait for the fears to pass by themselves, but work with them, be aware of them, understand that there is nothing terrible in fears, these are just feelings, chemical reactions in your head.
Understand that fear ceases to be so "scary" if you do not constantly get hung up on it.
Instead of constantly thinking about how bad you are now, act.
Meditate, it will help you to stop identifying with your depression and your fears. You will stop being so afraid of them. You will learn to look at them from the outside, without being involved in them. And they will disappear only when you yourself will be indifferent towards them: "there is fear and there is, so what of that?"
Exercise, bring your body and mind in order. Your body will begin to work better and it will be easier for you to cope with your ailments.
Work on yourself, but at the same time stop asking, "When?" Fighting depression is a struggle without a fight. To get rid of depression is to do everything to eliminate it, while not wanting to get rid of it at all times with all your soul!
Be here and now with your suffering, with your fears, with your problems! It is what it is! Do not sacrifice the present moment of your life for self-pity and non-acceptance.
What does it mean “not to want to get rid of?” It sounds strange, I understand. Let's explain.
A vivid example of a struggle without a fight is my favorite poker game. To win it, do not need to "want to win." If a player shakes his legs from anticipation of victory, if he is willing with all his soul to be in the final, if he is mortally scared by the prospect of losing, it will be very difficult for him to win. Even if he won it: the game will remain for him a lot of stress and each subsequent match will be associated with the fear of losing.
Only that player will achieve systematic victories in this game, who will learn to be cold-blooded about losing and winning and will stop worrying about local failures, will no longer be afraid of defeat and will be ready to take justifiable risks. His stress and emotions will not have a negative impact on his decisions. (That is why the gambling rush of a roulette player is incompatible with professional poker) He will think: “lost half the chips, then lose. Don't think about it, you should work with what I have now,” “I dropped out of the tournament, because I'm not lucky. These are the features of this game, nothing can be done about it. " A successful player will not ask: "When will the winning combination come to me?" He will build on what he has.
Imagine your depression is a game like poker. Poker is not a roulette - so your success depends on you (as well as success in dealing with depression). But not completely. Also a lot in this game is solved by a blind chance (depression can behave unpredictably, despite all your efforts to defeat it). If you “play in depression”, then something depends on you, but something does not. Today you can make a winning combination and feel good, and tomorrow your aces will lose to a pair of twos and a wave of despondency will overwhelm you again. Do what depends on you, but do not worry about the losses. What happened, happened. And if something happens, then so be it. Do not be afraid to lose! And only then can you win!
“A seizure happened and it happened, what could be done here?”, “What if something bad happens to me? But what difference does it make if I can’t influence it in any way. I'm already in this boat,” “And if the seizure returns "Come back and come back! It doesn't always depend on me. And there is nothing terrible about it."
This is the right train of thought.
Stop being so hung up on your condition. When you stop “wanting” to get rid of depression, when you stop asking “when” and wait “later,” then you will get rid of it. And only then can you be sure that you will give her a rebuff if she returns.
Now to argue in this vein may be difficult for you. But, oddly enough, this way of thinking can be trained through meditation. Due to what is happening, I will tell in my future articles and video tutorials.
Question 2 - why is it with me?
The causes of your illness is very important to identify. Therefore, the question: "why is my depression" is not always inappropriate. You can discover the roots of depression in your temper, in your habits, in your beliefs, in your health ... You can get rid of depression only when you eliminate its causes. And in order to eliminate them, they must first be detected.
But sometimes this “why” is more rhetorical. And also as the question “When” leads you away from solving a problem.
For example, people ask themselves:
- "Why does my panic attack manifest itself not during the day, but at night?"
- "Why do my seizures last so long?"
- "Why did it start at such a respectable age for me, when young people mostly suffer from this ailment?"
These questions are not aimed at eliminating the disease, they only make you wander in the dark. Sometimes it may seem to you that you must get an answer to these questions, which is very important. Probably, this is how the natural desire of a person to get rid of uncertainty and to have complete information about the mechanisms of work of his own organism manifests itself.
This desire can be understood, but it can not always be realized. It is impossible to always know up to the end why what happens to our body happens this way and not otherwise. Even if we can get this information, it will not always help us in solving any problem, but will only provide temporary relief.
But people continue to harass themselves in search of an answer to these questions and thus only worsen their condition.
In his sermons, the Buddha said that there is no difference in where the arrow came from, which struck your eye. No need to ask empty questions to yourself and this world, you need to think about how to pull this arrow.
Buddha wanted to say that you need to solve problems, and then ask questions. And in this he was absolutely right.
Some information about the arrow you may need in order to get it out of your head. For example, information about the shape of its tip will allow you to understand whether the arrow should be rotated or simply pulled at itself, removing it from the head.
But the information about who launched this arrow will not be of use to you, as long as this arrow is stuck in your skull.
Therefore, ask the question why only as long as the answer can bring you some sense. But still do not dwell on this issue. The causes of depression and panic attacks are usually quite standard.
These are bad habits, fears, repressed emotions, painful experiences, etc. It is not so important to understand why you are depressed. It is much more important to engage in what will allow you to get rid of most of these reasons: to meditate, do yoga, play sports, quit bad habits, spend more time in the fresh air, understand your problems on your own or with the help of an experienced specialist.
Imagine that your computer is slow. You know that the problem is precisely in hardware, not in software. You open the lid of your computer and see huge lumps of dust inside.
How far will you go in improving the performance of your computer if you ask yourself: "why is it working so slowly?" You will come to nothing in this way.
First, get rid of the dust, maybe the problem is in it, but maybe not. When there is no dust, you can see the small details of the computer, and you may notice a breakdown of one of the parts. If replacing the part does not help, then you will think further.
Therefore, ask less and do more. Meditate, it will help you get rid of the dust in your head: from illusions, hidden experiences, hidden resentment and "undigested" information. And then you can find "broken parts" in your head and fix them.
Although it may be only in the dust =)
Question 3 - What is mine?
“I have obsessive fears, terrible thoughts come to my mind, I have trouble sleeping, what do I have? Panic attacks? Depression? Obsessive-compulsive disorder? Borderline personality disorder? Attention deficit?”
This is a fairly common type of questions. Sometimes people just want to know if they are suffering from schizophrenia and if they need any emergency care. This is normal. There is nothing bad in this desire (only I ask you to contact a doctor with such a question, not to me).
But it happens that the desire to know your exact diagnosis is dictated by the belief that the aforementioned ailments require some special treatment. People think that methods that help with panic attacks will not help with depression and vice versa. They want to choose an individual "key" to their disease, but first they want to know what a well looks like.
This approach is not without logic. But it does not always make sense to rush to determine the exact diagnosis. In the world of mental illnesses, in my opinion, the diagnosis may be blurred. Roughly speaking, drawing an analogy with viral diseases of diseases, one cannot say that panic attacks are caused by some kind of "virus" of PA (metaphorically speaking, of course), and depression is caused by a "virus" of depression.
Often, mental illnesses have common causes, and very often we see in one person both symptoms of depression, and obsessive thoughts, and bouts of fear, as with PA. All these diagnoses, in my opinion, are somewhat conditional. It's just trying to come up with a classification. But not every case in real life lends itself to this classification.
Therefore, it is not so important to know what it is with you, since there is no universal solution “just for depression”.
Moreover, I believe that, by and large, in many cases there is no depression, no panic disorder, no obsessive syndrome. And what then exists?
There are only complexes, human fears, experienced injuries, acquired emotional habits, poor health, delusions, lack of self-control, self-centeredness, weakness of character. And all this together and forms what then doctors generalize the concept of "depression."
But one must fight not with generalization, not with an abstract concept from the field of classification, but with real things, that is, with fears, complexes, injuries, etc.
These things can cause depression to someone, panic attacks to someone, intrusive thoughts to someone, and to someone, as is often the case, all this together.
It can be said that practically every person has the symptoms of the aforementioned diseases in one form or another. That is why even the most healthy people, having read about the signs of depression, can find these signs in themselves: many people may become unreasonably sad, everyone may have obsessive thoughts (for example, when you are worried about some kind of problem and you can’t get it ). This is normal.
From this we can conclude that "potential" for depression exists in almost all, and that depression is, from a certain point of view, a set of common personality traits raised to the extreme for one reason or another.
Therefore, it is necessary to work not with the disease itself, but with your personality and its habits.
Do not look for the key to your "unique" problem. This uniqueness is imaginary. Psychological illnesses have the same nature. This of course does not negate the fact that you need to go to the doctor and get your diagnosis. Just do not dwell too much on this diagnosis.
For your problem, there may not be a special key suitable for it and nothing else. Try to find a key that helps a person to cope with his internal problems in general! For me, the key was meditation. I hope it will be the key for you.
Question 4 - Why am I doing this?
This is a rhetorical question that does not imply any answer at all. Depression, feeling unwell is not necessarily a reward. This condition can appear in good and good people. Just like these people can be affected by some other disease. Perhaps there is no equitable distribution of portions of suffering and happiness among people in the world. Suffering can happen to anyone ...
On the other hand, many people suffering from depression and panic attacks (of course, not all) are suspicious, withdrawn, filled with anger, lazy. And their suffering is the result of these qualities. Not a punishment, but simply a consequence. Also as a result of drunk driving may be an accident and injury.
No need to think, for which you struck this "arrow." Work with what you have now. Do not ask too many questions.
Update 03/28/2014: Received comments by mail regarding these issues. I want to make an important note. Of course, these questions are meaningless. But, after you read this article you should not dwell on not thinking: “when”, “why”, etc. There is no need to associate relief from depression only with the fact that you will not ask yourself these questions, thinking: “I do not need to think“ when ”, then everything will be fine. Heck! I think about it again! We need to drive away these thoughts! When will I stop thinking about it? Etc."
No need to think in this way. Do not make this a matter of life and death! I don’t want the attempt to get rid of these questions to cause a new series of unnecessary questions and suffering. I want you to just understand that these questions are empty and you don’t need to spend a lot of time searching for answers to them. But if they come to your mind, do not drive them away, just do not engage in their thinking, do not waste time on them. If you notice that again you are thinking: “when” and “why”, then do not blame yourself for it. Just calmly move your attention to something else. Remember the parable of the arrow.
Эти вопросы все равно будут вас беспокоить после того, как вы прочитаете статью. Не нужно строить иллюзий на этот счет. Примите это как факт. Просто теперь вы знаете, что за ними не скрывается ничего кроме страдания. Это придаст вашим мыслям и вашей воли правильное направление.
В дополнение к этому замечанию можете прочитать мою статью о навязчивых мыслях.
Вопрос 5 - "А вдруг?… "
"А вдруг это навсегда?"
"А вдруг я от этого умру?"
"А вдруг я сойду с ума?"
"А вдруг у меня от этого испортится здоровье?"
"А вдруг меня не поймут близкие люди?"
Это, как мне кажется, самые опасные и вредные вопросы. Ни что так не деморализует человека с депрессией или паническими атаками, как эти бесконечные: "а вдруг?"
Конечно, человеку, страдающему от панических атак или депрессии нужна поддержка, нужна информация о возможных последствиях своего недуга (например о том, что от панических атак не сходят с ума). Но я считаю, что с этой поддержкой, утешениями и самоутешениями не следует злоупотреблять.
Когда человек хочет услышать, что с ним все будет хорошо, он, этим самым, оказывает потворство своему страху. Вместо того, чтобы победить этот страх, он пытается спрятаться от него в утешениях. Победить страх можно только, если вы будете готовы ко всему, даже к самому плохому.
Мне удалось сделать ощутимый рывок в борьбе с паническими атаками, только, когда у меня появилась возможность быть готовым. Это произошло во время, наверное, трехсотого приступа ПА в моей жизни. В тот день я не стал себя утешать тем, что все будет хорошо. Я думал: "А вдруг я умру? Значит я умру! Мне надоело это терпеть! Будь что будет!" И тогда страх ушел. Я не боялся того, что со мной произойдет. В тот момент мне удалось проявить полное безразличие по отношению к самому себе и это меня спасло!
Тогда я понял, что страх за самого себя подпитывает приступы панических атак, дает им новую энергию. И только избавившись от этого страха, можно победить приступ.
Люди, которые обнаруживают у себя ярко выраженные признаки панических атак или депрессии, бывает, слишком сильно зацикливаются на своей личности. Эта зацикленность граничит с гипертрофированной жалостью по отношению к самим себе: "Мне так плохо! Что со мной! Как быть! Какой я несчастный!"
Вам страшно? Грустно? Ну и что с того? Что в этом такого ужасного?! Перестаньте усугублять свое состояние мыслями о том, какие вы бедные и как вам плохо. Проявите хотя бы немного больше спасительного безразличия по отношению к самим себе.
Не нужно думать, что, когда вам плохо, вы имеете серьезный повод волноваться за себя.
На самом деле страх делает вас только еще более уязвимым. Этими своими "а вдруг?" вы только приближаете то, чего вы так боитесь, так как "а вдруг?" культивирует ваш страх!
Последнее время я люблю приводить один пример из своей жизни. Я раньше всегда боялся собак, любых, бродячих и на поводке, кроме самых маленьких. Когда я гулял, я сторонился их и очень сильно напрягался из-за страха. Недавно я сделал удивительное открытие, что я их больше не боюсь! Я бегал по парку, и навстречу шла большая собака на поводке. Знакомый тревожный голос в моей голове произнес: "а вдруг она тебя укусит?" На что новый спокойный голос ответил: "укусит и укусит!" Вот! Это был настоящий прорыв в борьбе со страхом. Я спокойно пробежал практически вплотную к собаке, не замедляя шага (раньше я это переходил с бега на шаг, когда видел собаку) и она даже не обратила на меня никакого внимания!
Я считаю, что это отличная метафора для наших страхов. Чем больше мы боимся собак, тем больше шанс, что они проявят по отношению к нам агрессию, так как они чувствуют, что мы боимся, и могут реагировать на наш страх непредсказуемым образом.
Также и многие наши страхи! Чем больше мы чего-то боимся какого-то явления, тем более вероятным мы делаем это явление. Этот закон работает не всегда, но в отношении панических атак и депрессии он полностью справедлив.
"А вдруг у меня появятся проблемы со здоровьем? Появятся, значит появятся! Ответ на этот вопрос ничего мне не даст. Если я буду сильно этого боятся, то только усугублю ситуацию. Что будет, то будет. Сейчас я все равно мало что могу изменить. Сейчас я должен работать с тем, что имею, а не испытывать страх перед будущим".
Вот так вы должны рассуждать. "Страхи есть страх! Что в нем такого страшного? Это просто чувство!" У вас нет никакого серьезного повода бояться. Страх будущего только будет мешать вам.
Какая разница, что с вами можете произойти вследствие депрессии, если вы уже этой депрессией страдаете.
Этот вопрос имел бы смысл, если бы вы сейчас стояли перед прилавком психологических недугов и выбирали бы "товар" себе по вкусу.
"Что бы мне взять? Хммм… Депрессия выглядит заманчиво, у нее такие последствия! Хотя, панические атаки тоже неплохо, хоть от них нельзя сойти с ума, зато они могут деморализовать меня!"
Но, когда у вас уже есть это, вопрос о том, что это может вам принести, не имеет никакого смысла!
Вопрос 6 - почему у меня, а не у других?
Этот вопрос частный случай вопросов из серии "почему?" Но я бы хотел остановиться на этом случае в рамках отдельного пункта.
Некоторые люди спрашивают: "Ну почему это у меня? Почему многим людям эти страхи неведомы? Они пьют и курят, веселятся, как хотят, а мне приходится отказываться от вредных привычек, заниматься медитацией и спортом, чтобы чувствовать себя хотя бы более-менее нормально. Почему мне приходиться с этим постоянно бороться?"
Мой ответ на этот вопрос: "Потому что это так! Так и все! Примите это! И работайте над этим".
Только тогда, когда вы научитесь спокойно принимать то, что имеете сейчас, вы сможете существенно продвинуться в борьбе со своими проблемами.
Некоторые люди рождаются с врожденными дефектами двигательного аппарата и им приходится всю жизнь проводить в инвалидной коляске, пока вы танцуете и играете в футбол. Почему они, а не вы?
Кто-то живет в условиях постоянного голода и думает только о том, как добыть немного пищи, а не о том, какой телевизор лучше подойдет их спальне. Почему они, а не вы?
Потому что все происходит так, а не иначе. Кому-то приходится трудиться, кому-то нет. Кому-то приходится чего-то добиваться, когда кто-то может жить на наследство своих родителей. Такова жизнь. И от этого никуда не уйти.
Но от депрессии, в отличие от проблем, которые приковывают людей к инвалидному креслу навсегда, можно избавиться. Из опыта борьбы с депрессией можно извлечь множество ценных уроков. Если бы я никогда не страдал паническими атаками и депрессией, я бы не начал медитировать и я бы не сделал важный рывок в работе над собой.
Не было бы этого сайта и всех этих статей. Своим проблемам я обязан всему этому опыту, которым делюсь с вами на этом блоге. Проблемы вынудили меня меняться и двигаться к лучшему. Страдание вынудило меня искать и находить выход из него.
Крайние психические проявления позволили мне лучше понять, как работает моя психика. И это знание позволяет мне справляться со многими другими проблемами и помогать другим людям.
Депрессия может многому научить вас. Когда у человека все хорошо, вряд ли у него появится стимул заглянуть внутрь себя, понять свои проблемы и недостатки, найти способ, как справиться с ними. Психологические стимулы могут стать огромными стимулами для самосовершенствования!
Я рад, что у меня был такой ценный опыт, как депрессия!
