“Critics can be easily avoided by saying nothing, doing nothing and being nothing” ~ Aristotle
People react to criticism in different ways. Someone learns from her and treats her calmly. But for some, it is a problem that causes anger, excuses, self-doubt and a fall in self-esteem. How to prevent this problem? How to respond to criticism? How to make criticism benefit us, not bitterness and suffering?
Rule 1 - Calm down and watch.
Do not give in to the very first reaction your mind and emotions give rise to. Yes, criticism can be unpleasant, and I know it. Sometimes, having heard such criticism, we feel that our works did not receive an adequate assessment, that our personal qualities were questioned. Differences between one's own expectations and the opinions of other people give rise to unpleasant discord: resentment, irritation, bitterness and anger provoke a reaction of desperate defense or an aggressive attack on a criticizing person. There is nothing strange and surprising in this, because we are forced to act by the protective psychological mechanisms hidden in us by nature.
When we hear negative criticism, we unconsciously see a threat not only in relation to our social status, but we also feel a danger to the ideas about our “I” that have taken root in us. In general, we don’t like it when people say that we are not used to thinking about ourselves.
Therefore, it happens that we react passionately and violently to criticism. It can be said an automatic psychic reaction. But where there is automatism, there is not always a place for common sense and understanding. Anger and resentment narrow the field of your perception, they rivet all your attention only on yourself: you think much more about how to defend yourself from criticism or how to find weak points in this criticism than about how much it can help you.
But if you calm down and relax, wait out the first stormy wave of emotions, then your perception will become free from stunning feelings, and you will see many more that have not been seen before. For example, the fact that in a critical assessment, albeit too subjective, there is a grain of truth. And if you take it into account, in the future it will help you to avoid many mistakes. Or, on the contrary, you will understand that the remark was completely unfair, and the person who expressed it was in a bad mood, which provoked him to a negative assessment of you and your work.
A calm mind can see much more and think much more constructively than a mind subject to strong emotions.
Therefore, before you go into the controversy or respond to an e-mail containing unpleasant information about your work, try to calm down. There are many different techniques that will help you quickly pull yourself together and restore spiritual balance:
- Slowly count to ten
- Take a few deep, slow breaths and exhale
- Write down all your thoughts and describe all your feelings on paper before you answer. What do you feel? What do you think? Throw it out on paper, not on a person.
These are good and effective techniques that will help you "wait out" the first reaction and relax.
But I like in this case (if time allows) just to watch your mind. See how he worries and rushes under the heat of the fire of my wounded self-importance. How he becomes biased, ceases to understand, and freezes in a militant stance in order to rush on the offender. As he showered me with a pile of flattery and self-justification, to make criticism less painful ...
Instead of giving in to the first reaction, just calmly watch her. As soon as you notice that your mind has again come up with clever ways to defend against the attacks of criticism, turn your attention back to observation. So you will not only see how the violent reaction gradually weakens and fades away, you will also learn a lot about yourself, how your mind behaves, how your mind works. You will learn much more from passionless observation of yourself than from all psychology textbooks combined!
But do not somehow condemn this reaction of your mind. Remember, there is nothing bad in it, because it is natural. We are so arranged by nature that we can react to criticism in a similar way. Therefore, treat this reaction with love and understanding, but at the same time, try not to succumb to it, but remain a spectator who is not involved in the performance.
If you learn this, it will be much easier for you not to succumb to any emotions (anger, irritation), you will not be able to respond to them immediately, but rather use the time to come to the best solution to the problem you are facing. This skill is very useful in life. He will help you avoid many quarrels, scandals and just difficult situations. You will see that the first reaction is the strongest in only a few seconds: it is worth holding this time, not giving in to the first wave, as it will be much easier for you to pull yourself together.
Rule 2 - Use criticism as an opportunity to become better.
Criticism is not always a reason to drop your dignity or offend you. It can serve as a reliable assistant who will point you to your weaknesses or weaknesses of the project you are working on. It is not very correct to stop your ears and resist when such an assistant talks to you. But this is exactly what people who violently react to criticism are doing.
If you listen to this helper, you will learn a lot about yourself and, possibly, become a better person! If criticism points you to your weaknesses, which you can improve, then this is not a reason to be upset! After all, you are most likely to say thanks to the person who will tell you in time that your car has faulty brakes. You will immediately take the car to the service and, possibly, save yourself health or life. Why is it so difficult for us to accept disapproving criticism about ourselves?
Take it with gratitude and apply for the benefit of yourself! And be sure, almost any personality traits can be developed. Therefore, do not take criticism as a verdict and reproach yourself!
But, what if criticism is aimed at those qualities that you cannot change? Moreover, there is no reason to worry about it! What is the use of grieving about what you do not correct? Learn to accept the circumstances as they are.
Rule 3 - Ask for details
Sometimes it is worth clarifying the criticism. First of all, thank the person for his critical comment. Then you should make sure that you understand him correctly: you can clarify some aspects of his remarks. For example: "what do you mean by the absence of references to sources", "give an example, please!"
This will help not only to gain time, but also to clarify, detail the criticism and change your reaction to it. For example, at first it seemed to you that the quality of your work in general is being questioned, but after clarifying the criticism, you were convinced that only a particular aspect of your work was said: "Well, I will give an example. In the section" software " on which you relied. In the section "technical solutions" I also did not see a detailed analysis. As for the remaining 12 sections, there is enough analysis ".
Agree, such criticism is much easier to accept than the general statement "in your work you do not refer to sources." People tend to summarize, so ask them to clarify their comments and confirm with concrete examples. The same applies to life situations, not just workers. Instead of arguing with your wife because she called you irresponsible, ask her in what situations you are irresponsible and how often such situations occur. Ask her for examples. It is always easier to agree with examples than with abstract charges. You can not argue with the facts, they help to dot the i. Maybe you find out that you really do not show much responsibility regarding your life, and you need to change something. Or you will come to the conclusion that the facts of irresponsible behavior are exaggerated by your spouse, they are sporadic. And in many situations you remain serious and decisive.
This tactic will help not only to clarify what the critic has in mind, but will also allow you to take time out in order not to succumb to the first reaction, which may be the most destructive when you do not have time and opportunity to relax and calm down.
Rule 4 - Listen to the criticism
When you listen to someone's criticism, try only to listen to it! One should not immediately after the first words think of what to answer and how to defend oneself. So you can miss some important details in the words of the critic and look silly by answering him. And, of course, you should not interrupt the interlocutor, trying to give him your answer. Listen to him carefully to the end, it will help you better understand the words of another person, as well as collect your own thoughts to answer in the most appropriate way. Take a short pause to think about his words. No one will wake you up for judging; on the contrary, you will show respect for someone else’s point of view. You took her time, thought it over, and not just said what the first thing came to mind.
And the more calmly and thoughtfully you answer, the less inadequate criticism you will hear in response, and it will be easier for you to accept criticism. Curb your ego, but also do not insult the ego of the one who criticizes you, treat criticism with respect. If two ego mates in a duel, then a catastrophe can not be avoided. Mutual respect, listening skills do not allow this collision to occur.
Rule 5 - Make sure the criticism fits its subject
Sometimes you need to make sure that the one who criticizes you has understood the subject and purpose of your work well. For example, often on this site I get critical reviews about my articles. Many of them really help me write better. But others seem to be aimed not at my article, but at another, which I did not write. For example, a person may criticize what I did not indicate in the article. This may occur for various reasons. I could not very well explain my point of view. Or the reader did not understand it very well. Perhaps he was just too lazy to read the article to the end, but he had a desire to criticize it. I react to such criticism in different ways. Sometimes I try to figure out what caused it. Maybe I did explain something badly, and I should reformulate my thoughts. Sometimes I just pass by without replying, because I see no point in reworking the steady image that has developed in the reader, who has altered my work in his own way.
Therefore, before reacting to criticism, you should make sure that it is addressed specifically to your work, and not to the distorted image of this work in the head of the critic. You do not need to get involved in a dispute about work that you did not do and react to such criticism with insult. After all, it is not addressed to your work, but to some distorted representation of it in the head of the critic. And this image may have little to do with the actual subject: do not take it personally. A person could come up with something himself, and then criticize what he came up with, thinking that he condemns your work. Do not give in to this illusion.
Also, this criticism must take into account the objectives of this work. For example, it is not very smart to criticize a washing machine for not sending SMS from it.
Rule 6 - Get rid of the installation that you need to be perfect
Get rid of the belief that you should be perfect, and your work should be done the first time. If all people did their job perfectly, then there would be no need for collective work, meetings and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior managers do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person is wrong.
Learn to calmly treat your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how sensitive you are about your tasks, there will always be room for mistakes, imperfections. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and convictions. And the more we think about what should be perfect, the further we move away from ourselves perfection! What we fear will eventually become our reality! Rejecting criticism, rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to get better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The vitality of our illusions and precarious ideas about ourselves becomes more important for us than any development.
I will tell you about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.
Rule 7 - Do not argue with someone else's impression, listen to him
Several years ago, on one forum, I saw the request of one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea of the site was curious. But the implementation was quite low: small print, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presentation of information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.
Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be fixed for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at help than at denigrating the work of this person.
But the author of the site stubbornly disagreed with criticism. He said that the font and navigation is actually normal, and the site does not need to be improved. And the critic, in his opinion, was simply mistaken in his assessments.
But in your impression you can never be mistaken! If on someone your work has a repulsive effect, then this effect is what it is. If someone says that he is uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or his eyes are straining the colors of the design you have developed, then he most likely does not deceive you. Yes, this impression may change with time, but now it is just that and, most likely, not just. If you are doing work for people, and not to admire it alone, then, especially, it makes sense to listen to the opinions of people.
The author of the site I was talking about could listen to the opinions of those who tried to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the installation that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knows everything better than other people whose impressions are “wrong”, and no one except him can appreciate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He wanted to get only praise for the work done. And in sacrifice to his self-conceit and stubbornness, he brought a potentially successful project. His site no longer exists.
Rule 8 - Use someone else's opinion to complement the perspective.
Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice what others do not notice and, on the contrary, do not see what you see. That is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, it seems that they are in conflict.
It is like looking at the same point on the landscape, but from different sides. You are standing on a hill from the north, and your colleague surveys a point from a plain in the south. You see the landscape from above: the roofs of houses, the peaks of the towers, but you are not aware of the actual height of the buildings. Whereas, if you look at them from below, your eye will notice more precisely how much buildings differ in height from others. And the contradiction generated by a look from different perspectives is only imaginary.
Open cooperation, readiness to accept someone else's point of view gives the volume, depth and completeness of the problem under consideration, be it your relationship, your work or you yourself.
Rule 9 - Rate the situation
Ask yourself: who criticizes you? Maybe this is a man who from the very beginning was opposed to you? Or one who feels important when he criticizes others? Or is it your friend who loves you and wants to help you? Depending on the answers to these questions, your reaction to criticism will change.
Also ask yourself questions: why are you being criticized? Fair criticism or not? Do you understand me correctly? Did I give any reason to criticize me? Perhaps you will understand that it is not clear that they conveyed their thoughts, which caused an adverse reaction. Or your work does contain some flaws that you can fix, instead of convincing everyone that it is perfect.
Rule 10 - Give thanks for your criticism. Use it as an ego trainer.
Прежде чем бросаться в полемику, мысленно благодарите человека, который вас критикует. Ведь критика помогает вам стать лучше! Я уже писал, что она указывает на ваши ошибки и помогает вам их избежать. Но не только правдивые и вежливые критические замечания могут стать полезными для вас! Как бы это странно ни звучало, но самая полезная для вас критика может быть самой несправедливой и оскорбительной!
На моем сайте некоторые люди порой оставляют невежливые, обидные и несправедливые замечания о моих статьях, иногда переходящие на мою личность. Но именно такие комментарии закаляют мою способность спокойно реагировать на нелестную критику, не поддаваться своим эмоциям. Я называю такие комментарии: "тренажер для Эго". Только самая нелестная критика способна пробудить мое Эго и оставить меня наедине с ним, увидеть его в высшей точке страсти и обуздать его. Это тяжело и не всегда получается. Бывает, эта борьба оставляет тяжелые эмоциональные раны. Но если эти раны оставить в покое, дать им зажить, а огню, бушующему внутри, - потухнуть, то рано или поздно на их месте появятся цветы опыта, развития и знания.
"Натренированное", имеющее иммунитет к оскорблениям Эго - залог уверенности в себе, непоколебимой самооценки и твердого характера!
Мне бывает неприятно слышать отзывы тех, кто не ценит мой труд, как и любому другому человеку. Особенно если в этот труд вкладывается много энергии и моральных сил. Но часто именно из этих отзывов у меня рождался какой-нибудь прорыв в понимании: сильные эмоции не давали мне забыть о том, что мне сказали, и я вновь и вновь возвращался к этим обидным словам. Но постепенно покров эмоций спадал, и обнажалась истина. Я видел, что даже самая оскорбительная критика может содержать какое-то здравое зерно. Гневная реакция человека может быть следствием его личных проблем, но, в то же время, она может быть вызвана чем-нибудь во мне и указывать на что-то. Пускай его личное восприятие сильно исказило то, что он пытался рассказать. Но я могу взять его сообщение и расшифровать его, убрать из него все лишнее и использовать для себя!
Поэтому помните, что какой бы критика ни была: мягкой или агрессивной, правдивой или неадекватной, мотивированной любовью или ненавистью, она вся может стать для вас полезной! Вы можете найти в ней крупицы истины. А даже если не найдете, она закалит и укрепит ваше эго. Поэтому всегда благодарите людей за критику (не обязательно словами, можно сделать это в уме), ведь они оказывают вам неоценимую услугу, даже если сами об этом не догадываются!
Правило 11 - Обращайтесь к статистике
Часто критика бывает субъективной. Вместо того, чтобы терять душевное равновесие из-за мнения отдельно взятого человека, подумайте, что думают о предмете критики другие люди? Если кто-то раскритиковал вашу работу, то узнайте, как ее оценили другие ваши коллеги. Если кто-то раскритиковал лично вас, вспомните, что думают о вас ваши друзья. Они общаются с вами, любят и уважают вас несмотря на все ваши недостатки. Вы также можете спросить себя, что вы сами думаете о себе и своей работе? Вы также имеете большое право на голос и на участие в этой статистике! Часто мы настолько сильно переживаем из-за мнения другого человека, что забываем спросить у себя, что на самом деле думаем об этом мы.
Мнения бывают субъективными, мы все об этом прекрасно знаем, но не используем это знание. Тысячи хвалебных отзывов о нас и о нашей работе могут пройти мимо нас, нами незамеченные. Но один единственный негативный отзыв способен лишить нас настроения на целые дни! Но такие отзывы неминуемо возникнут, особенно, если вашу работу оценивает множество людей. (Помните афоризм Аристотеля в начале статьи?) Это естественно. Нельзя быть идеальным. Всем не угодишь.
Правило 12 - Не ввязывайтесь в бессмысленные споры
Старайтесь слушать критику, если она разумная, и просто проходить мимо нее, если она не соответствует действительности. Это сэкономит вам время и нервы. В своей статье «как перестать спорить» я писал следующее. Когда человек спорит, его ум полностью нацелен на проведение атаки на оппонента или на осуществлении защиты собственной точки зрения. Его не интересует истина, он либо защищается, либо атакует, будучи не в состоянии понимать и воспринимать. Это мешает получать пользу из критики и совершенствоваться, а также рождает много неприятных эмоций.
Конечно, следует избегать бессмысленных споров, но это не значит, что в тех ситуациях, когда публика ждет вашего ответа, следует молча принимать любую, даже самую несправедливую критику. Иногда все же следует обратить внимание на недостатки критики или на несоответствие ее своему предмету.
Правило 13 - Реагируйте, когда это необходимо
В этой статье я писал, как важно принимать чужую критику, прислушиваться к ней, проявлять уважение. Но бывают ситуации, когда критика переходит в хамство и оскорбление. И реагировать на это нужно в соответствии с ситуацией. Если кто-то вас оскорбил в интернете - проходите мимо. Если же в реальной жизни кто-то регулярно обижает вас, то нельзя это просто молча терпеть. Надеюсь, что о том, как поступить в этой ситуации, вам подскажет ваша мудрость.
*****
Мнение других людей о вас не всегда проистекает из реальных фактов. Иногда оно является лишь результатом их личных домыслов, проекции своих страхов на вас. Бывает, что негативное впечатление о вашей личности или о вашей работе сложилось у людей в результате беглого впечатления, их склонности обобщать и не видеть целое. Часто мнение человека о вас, выражающееся в критике - это только его личная проблема, а не ваша, даже если в этом мнении есть какая-то истина.
Смело берите эту истину, используйте ее ради своих нужд. А всю горечь и злобу оставьте самому критикующему, пускай они останутся с ним!
Помните, мнение касательно вас существует только в головах других людей и, чаще всего, там и остается, если вы не впускаете его в себя. Дайте людям право носить в своей голове любые мысли и любые мнения, какие они хотят! Не делайте большое дело из того, что это мнение именно такое, а не какое-то другое.
Но, тем не менее, не следует избегать реагировать на всякую критику. Иногда вас могут критиковать, чтобы просто вызвать ваше раздражение, или просто из желания вас обидеть. Такая критика может быть навязчивой и надоедливой, и нельзя оставлять это как есть, а реагировать.
Во многих ситуациях вам все равно придется отстаивать свое мнение, отсекать несправедливые нападки и защищаться. Если вам пришлось это делать, то делайте это со спокойным сердцем, без лишнего негодования. Будьте настойчивы в защите своего мнения, там где ситуация требует настойчивости, при этом не теряя такта и умения слушать.
