Breaking up relationships is always difficult; some call this situation a “little death.” The fact that relationships have died in reality is not immediately easy to realize in thoughts. At first it is impossible to believe, and it seems that what is happening is not real or that everything will be corrected in a couple of days. Then, when reality remains the same, anger and awareness of the humiliated position comes. Because of the latter, self-esteem may suffer and despondency begins. But with the right look at what happened, you can understand that all negative feelings will pass, and no matter how bad it is now, it will not last for a lifetime. The last stage is sure to come. But in order to understand how to let a person go, you need to figure out why it is difficult. The answer lies in the structure of our brain.
How does memorization happen
When some information enters the brain, it is transmitted from one neuron to another - this is called neural connections. The more often a person thinks about something, the stronger the connection between neurons and the easier it is for the brain to use this information. This can be compared with a path in the forest: the more often people walk along it, the wider and more drowned it is. But if you do not walk on it, it grows over time and becomes the same as the surrounding forest. To those who easily solved logarithms in school, after 5 years it may seem that he does not understand anything about this - the “path” is overgrown and forgotten.
It is useful to relate to the memories in this way: it is difficult to forget a person, not because he is the most wonderful, and not because his feelings for him are eternal. The reason is that there is a connection between neurons, which has arisen because of frequent thoughts about someone. And that's all. And the less often this “path” is used, the faster it will “grow”.
What does it mean to let go
To perform an action, you need to understand exactly what should happen. There are different opinions regarding what it means to let a person go. Forget, erase from memory, drown out the pain? Letting go of a person doesn’t mean to erase all memories. Attempting to clear the memory will take a long time and at the same time may not bring the expected result - fragments of the past will emerge and cause great pain. Rather, this concept means to get rid of all feelings and emotions, including negative ones, in relation to a particular person. Only after that he will rarely emerge in memory, and if he remembered, it is only as an episode in life that has no meaning.
At first it seems incredible, because the sense of loss is felt especially acutely. And you really need to make a conscious effort to stop the brain returning to the usual neural connection. There are several steps you need to take to go from a crushing sense of loss to full recovery from a trauma:
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mourn the loss - get rid of irritants
- help the brain create new neural connections,
- analyze what happened
- get rid of unnecessary emotions.
mourn the lossMourn the loss
Before letting go of a person from thoughts, it makes sense to unleash tears. How long this stage will last depends on how long the relationship lasted and how close you were to each other. Tears - this is a normal reaction, they should not be ashamed. It is worth accepting the fact as it is: “Yes, now it is bad and painful for me. But it won't be like this forever. ”
No need to try to get around the pain, trying not to pay attention to it or drown her with sweet, alcohol or new relationships. Immediately it will not work. She will still have to meet face to face and go through it - this is the only path to healing.
Getting rid of irritants
The next thing to do is to stop all communication with the person. This will help get rid of the painful idea of irreplaceable restoration of relationships. The thought “what if everything returns” brings only pain. The past remains in the past, it makes no sense to feed the illusion of his return.
In order not to torment yourself once again, you need to get rid of things that remind of a person. Toys can be given to children who need them, jewelry can be returned or sold.
Most likely you will have to ask your relatives to refrain from value judgments. The phrases: “he is a scoundrel!” And “you are to blame for yourself” cause equally severe pain. The parting is a fait accompli, and even if you find someone to blame, the situation will not change. This is an important point in forgiving and letting go of a person.
Creating new memories and emotions
Thoughts are the only thing a person can control in any situation. There is a good saying “You can't forbid birds to fly over your head, but you can stop them from laying their nests.” Yes, some thoughts and memories will appear even if you want to let go of the person you love. But instead of thinking about them, it is necessary to switch the mind to something else by an effort of will.
If some days or places are connected with past relationships and it is impossible to “get around” them, you need to build new, vivid memories in their place. For example, on Friday evening, there were always dates. You can get together this evening with your family, have a fun party with friends, or help someone who needs support.
Analysis
One more step to letting go of a person is to place all points, having carried out the analysis. It is better to do when the emotions have cooled down a bit.
We need to take a piece of paper, and write down on it the pros and cons of the person and the relationship in general. After that, realistically assess your and his share of guilt in parting and record your thoughts. Postpone until the next day, and then read as a letter from a friend. To assess the situation from the outside, some accusations seem ridiculous, but something can serve as an experience for the following relationship.
You can ask someone from close people who know the situation to read this letter critically. He will be able to honestly indicate where thoughts of wine, motives or goals are contrived, and where they are real.
Release
In relation to a person, it is important not to think out possible reasons and motives for him. Fact is a fact, and everyone has the right to choose. You should not expect the impossible from him - if he could not or did not want to preserve the relationship, then this is a stranger.
You can not ascribe the status of the victim. This will lead to unnecessary negative emotions and lay a bad foundation for the following relationships.
If you look at what happened, as an experience that needs to be experienced, not to feed unrealistic hopes and create new memories, instead of stirring old ones, past relationships will not cause so much pain. It is possible to release a person from the heart, and this must be done.
