Question to the psychologist:
“I have a problem, my common-law husband works in another city, not far - 30 km. Comes (come?) Once every 2 weeks, but for about a week does not call me, and did not come for the weekend !!! Before that, we called each other several times a day. Everything was good, as in person, and when he was away. I will make a small digression, we live together for 3.5 years. I know that before our acquaintance he had a woman. They are familiar with youth. She has a family of children and already has 2 grandchildren, although she is 40 years old. In general, I know for sure that they periodically call up and not only, then silence from 2 months to 6. And everything begins as before. In general, during these three years, it periodically appears on the horizon.
But before this incident, he did not do that, although they did meet, but at least he did not disappear, and did not keep silent, i.e. RING !!!
I didn’t understand the last conversation at all; I didn’t even recognize his voice, he was tense and strict. We talked a few minutes about business, and I asked when he would call, to which he replied - There will be time - I will call ... It was at lunch. In the evening I tried to dial him, but he either did not answer or dropped the call. So almost till night. Then I stopped recruiting him. I wrote a text message in the morning, typed it several times, he did not answer. And then silence, for several days now. I take the details of his calls and I know that they call each other. It turns out he did not have time for me this week, although before that it was completely different !!!!! I have a suspicion that he came to our city, but not to me ... I DO NOT KNOW TO DO - DO NOT KNOW ????. I do not call him after that, it all torments me very much, I do not sleep almost. Help, please explain how to behave. Call first or continue to pause ???
P.S. Sorry, for, maybe, a confused story, but it boiled strongly in the shower. And it hurts ... "
Psychologist's answer:
Hello. I don’t know if something has changed in these few days between your letter and our answer. I want to hope that yes. If not, then let Olga share your feelings and thoughts from your letter.
Reading your letter, I experienced various emotions: fear, despair, sadness. I suppose that you are experiencing something similar. A civilian husband disappears for a week, does not call, does not write, and communicates with another woman ... You are lost ... And as if you are trying to guess what you can do to MAKE SURE you are "right" ... As if returning a husband is more important than your own feelings and desires ... This makes it especially sad.
No one can tell you exactly what to do and how to behave, because this is your life, your choice and your relationship. But I propose to look at everything that happens a little from a different angle, think about you, your expectations and hopes.
Olga, what do you want from a relationship with a civil husband? How do you feel about the fact that an alien woman periodically appears on the horizon of your relationship? How do you react to her appearance? What is more important for you: the presence of a man near or intimacy with the person with whom you share life? How can your actions (continue to call or pause) affect your relationship? What is the worst scenario draws your mind to you? What happens if this scenario comes true? How will you survive this and what will help you?
You can also try to imagine yourself in the place of your man and, on his behalf, answer yourself the question: What should I do to ... (add here the answer to the first question: what do you want from the relationship?).
I hope these questions and topics for reflection will help you to change the viewing angle a bit, because sometimes, being in the grip of emotions, it is difficult for us to look at the situation with a different look.
Olga, I also want to note one thing. While reading your letter, I got the feeling that you are hoping: there are some obviously "right" actions that will help bring the civil husband back home. And here I must disappoint you. There are no known "right" actions. After all, the relationship of two people is the responsibility of TWO people.
If your common husband decides to leave the relationship, you can not do anything. If he decides to go back and pretend that everything is in order, then your reaction is extremely important: Do you remain silent, accept him back and thereby let him know that he can do this in the future? Or do you want to discuss with him what happened and then what will you do if he does not go to an open conversation? Or will you close the door in front of him, showing how much he has offended you, and will you hope that he will fall to your feet with apologies? Or will you be the initiator of the break, because you think that he has no right to do this to you?
Whatever you do, it will be your decision, and you have the right to it, because it is your life, your relationship and your feelings. But before acting in one way or another, ask the questions: “How will this action of mine affect our relationship? Will it bring me closer or away from what I want to achieve in this relationship and in life?”
If you have additional questions or comments, please contact the email indicated on my page on the site (see the signature). If you want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the format of counseling, you can arrange an in-person meeting in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time for you.
Ksenia Terentyeva, psychologist, coach
