I hate my mother: what is it connected with and how not to be enemies

All men waiting for their first child dream of a heir, while women dream of a daughter. Every young mother of a little girl thinks: "Here will grow a baby, and we will be with her best friends." But why often adult girl conflicts with her mother? And why many women at a reception at a psychologist or in a confidential conversation in the kitchen over a cup of coffee confess: "I hate my mother"?

Why do mother and daughter become enemies?

How is it that the two closest women turn their backs to each other? The main complaints of adult girls to their mother are usually as follows:

1)    " She annoys me with her stupidity, as if I'm older and more experienced, and not vice versa! "

Often this phrase can be used to characterize the conflict of generations. The big difference in age is a prerequisite to the fact that the daughter is more modern and more aware of current realities. At the same time, the mother was brought up at another time, absorbed other principles and views, it is difficult for her to follow the new trends. On this basis, regular skirmishes occur. The mother does not understand the daughter at all and tries to impose her views on her, but the daughter considers her "backward from life."

2) "Because of her, I never got married!"

Such a complaint can be heard from the mouth of a girl who was overly protective, guarded. As a result, all the friends have already created their families for a long time, and she still sits at home - a good mother's girl, who never learned to live "grown-up" in her 30 years.

3) "I hate my mother, she manipulates me. Life does not give me!"

It also happens that an elderly woman does not want to let go of her daughter. This happens for many reasons - the fear of old age, the "empty nest", a lonely life ... Then all possible manipulations are used: from health problems to threats to disinherit the apartment, etc.

4) "My mother is a tyrant."

Psychological violence in the family is not such a news. Just pay this phenomenon is not so much as physical. Yes, and it is strange to talk about it in our society, the mentality affects. Meanwhile, the victim becomes dependent on moral pressure, plus the instilled sense of guilt constantly says that she may be wrong.

5) "I hate my mother, she never loved me."

Many of us take with us childhood resentment into adulthood. Parents work a lot and do not always have time to try to earn a living to notice how their child grows. Later they are trying to catch up, but the contact, which was never really established at the time, is not so easy to restore. And the daughter with anger rejects the mother’s attempts to get closer, because in her childhood, she needed it most of all. And now why?

Another serious cause of hatred of the mother can be physical abuse and bullying by the latter. Even if this does not happen now, it is difficult to love a person, the beatings and moral humiliation from which you took in childhood. But to work out this situation with a psychologist is necessary. Any negative destroys from the inside, so it is worth throwing it out and leaving it in the past.

Common Territory - Different Views

Two housewives do not get along in the same kitchen, and two adult women in the same house. If there is no male father in the family, the mother and daughter often conflict. There are several reasons for this:

1. Jealousy for someone else's personal life.

If the girl has a young man, the mother starts teaching her, saying that she is doing the wrong thing and is behaving ugly, constantly making jokes and remarks. Thus manifested dissatisfaction with their life is not established. After all, the daughter has only blossomed, and she may have many more such guys, and on the personal front of the mother - a pause, which is unknown how long it will take.

The same jealousy is possible and from the daughter. When she is young, there is no one, and the mother turns on her boyfriend. In addition, it can be unpleasant for a girl that her father’s place is taken by another man, and she begins to plot and provoke conflicts.

2. Divide and rule!

Every adult woman has her own views on housekeeping and house order. And it may happen that the grown daughter does not agree with the mother’s opinion on this matter and does not want to live by her rules. The division of the territory begins, which ends with the fact that both women are incredibly annoying each other and cannot be nearby.

3.     Violation of personal boundaries.

An adult daughter hates her mother, because she constantly tells her how to act in this or that situation. What to do? Well, certainly not worth starting to climb into the life of the mother and tell her what she is wrong!

4. Age conflict.

If the girl is a late child, and the difference in age between the mother and the daughter is large, then everything is clear. Well, where to take common interests? Only in rare cases, the difference in 35 - 40 years can be leveled if the mother is a modern woman with a broad outlook.

5. Rivals.

There is also an age conflict here, but "vice versa." Still young mother and adult daughter can see rivals in each other. A girl can be annoyed by a large financial solvency and a leading attitude in the family of the mother. A woman can see in the face of her daughter the reflection of herself, a 17-20 year old, be depressed for that time and, perhaps, envy injections.

In complete families, a mother and daughter can fight for the love of their father, jealous of each other for him. Conflicts arise on this basis and both girls, both small and large, run to meet Daddy in order to “chic”. Such situations are not uncommon, because for a girl the father is the first example of a man, the “standard”, the prototype of the future husband. Therefore, she will be jealous of his mother, and the latter, in turn, will be angry for disobedience and unconsciously try to "win" their positions.

How to bring peace to the family?

You are worried about the question: "I hate my mother, what to do?" It's time to take the first steps towards and make an attempt to bring peace to the family! And you need to start with yourself.

Charge and Excuse

Choose a free evening, turn off the phone, TV, do not be distracted. On a piece of paper, write all your complaints about the mother. Why do you feel negative about her that she did a bad thing to you? Thus fill the first column. And on the contrary, in the second column, try to justify her every action. From the heart, try to understand it. It is sometimes not easy, but you are an adult girl, aren't you? Put yourself in Mom's place, was it always easy for her?

The following table shows how this can be done.

By this principle, sort out all the causes of your anger toward the mother. Forgive her stupidity, old age, hormones that are naughty, connections with men, attempts to manipulate you and keep you in the "family nest" - this is nothing but the fear of loneliness. Understand, she never wished you evil, but just wanted to be happy. Whatever she does, put on her "coat" and feel yourself in her place, try to understand her thoughts, emotions.

Then write a letter to the mother in which you forgive her. Let it be a kind of "acquittal", make a paper airplane out of it and let it out through the window ...

Conciliatory dinner

Invite your mother to a picnic and talk heart to heart. Prepare her favorite food and drinks, make her a small gift. First ask for forgiveness. You are already an adult, so you should not hide behind the grimace of a little offended girl. Ask her what she doesn’t like about you, why aren’t the relationship going so lately?

Be polite and friendly towards your mother, open your arms for her, let her into your heart. After all, this woman gave you life, her genes, taught you to speak the first words. Thanks to her, you see this beautiful world! So say thank you and forgive her everything that was before.

How to build relationships further?

First of all, you need to recognize that you have grown and internally separated from your mother. Her life is her rules, and yours respectively only concerns you. Adult people do not have to sharply prove their case. Do not conflict with your mother when she wants to give advice. This is the child inside you screaming: “Leave me alone, I'm already an adult!” A really grown-up person will quietly thank, take note of something, but will do only as he sees fit.

To overcome your hatred of mom and avoid conflicts in the future, learn not to violate each other’s personal boundaries. It may be worth contacting a family psychologist for advice so that peace and understanding prevail between you!

Watch the video: My Stepmother Hated Me So I Had To Move Out (December 2024).