In psychology, there is such a term as dead mother syndrome.
To properly evaluate consequences for the childIt is important to know what it is and how to deal with the problem.
About the phenomenon
The phenomenon of a dead (killing) mother - what is it?
Dead mother syndrome - one of the complex psychological problems.
This is not about a really dead person, but about a woman who behaves detachedly. It seems to the child that in fact he has no mother, instead of her there is an emptiness that has nothing to fill.
This leads to a number of psychological problems. In childhood, a child is not only physically, but also emotionally dependent on your mother. It requires an emotional connection to develop properly.
Phenomenon first described Andre Green. He said that this most often occurs when a woman has severe depression, triggered by the loss of someone.
It can also develop in families where abuzyznye relations are present.
Causes
Parent, being depressed, acutely experiencing their grief. At the same time, she continues to care for the child, but is emotionally removed from him.
He feels that he is powerless to change something, to become closer, and this also affects his mental state and the further development of the psyche.
Dead mother the feeling of love goes along with aggression. It also comes from childhood, when she received less love from her own mother.
The result is that attachment begins to be associated with frustration and danger.
And this in turn again gives rise to aggression, which is already further extends to her own offspring.
When she loses touch with a love object, for example, due to the loss of a loved one, adultery, or a toxic relationship, she first becomes depressed.
As a result, begins to move away from family members, and especially from their child. She takes care of him, performs what is needed, cares, tries to educate and train, but at the same time emotional contact disappears.
A daughter or a son in turn is trying to reestablish this connection, to draw attention to himself.
And most often it is expressed in destructive behavior, because it is easier to make it so that you get noticed. A woman expresses anger, and a preschooler or a teenager already feels its importance - he was noticed.
As a result, aggressive behavior, as a way of expressing love, is fixed. Provoke attention to himself he can not only open aggressive behavior, but also, for example, the appearance of nightmares, various fears.
Since the parent pays no attention to it, the child’s experiences do not cause her to respondthen, over time, he also loses the ability to experience emotions. As a result, he develops a known syndrome.
How and in what way?
For children of women with the syndrome is characteristic feeling of powerlessness.
They do not know how to get out of a conflict situation, how to love, use their talents.
A dead mother can be a woman who is in a toxic relationship. She simply has no strength left for herself, for positive feelings towards children.
She behaves indifferently, rejects children. Often starts too show aggression with your abuzer. This happens in relation to children.
Being in a co-dependent relationship, she can begin to pay attention and see only the negative sides, criticize, blame, allow the husband to mock the children.
It is much more difficult and dangerous, both for her and for posterity, when she becomes a dead killing mother. She not only shows aggression towards the child. Here the actions are much more complicated.
She continues to take care, which is manifested in the extreme degree of hyper-care, excessive moral responsibility. Such mothers attract to themselves, and then they seem to suffocate them with excessive care, visible love and care.
According to psychologists, a harsh, aggressive mother can even do less harm than over looking and caring.
The children of such mothers note that they feel care when something happens to them. If all is well, the mother seems to feel frustrated, because there is no one to take care of, the child is fine.
She is constantly concerned about the health of the child, makes gloomy predictionsincluding about his future.
Outwardly, as if worried about a child, but at the same time does not respond to positive events taking place in his life.
The behavior of such women is the presentation of oneself as a person who makes sacrifices, caring, and sympathetic. In fact, all this spills over into internal and external aggression.
Identified a typology of dead mothers, which helps to more accurately describe the condition and develop a method of treatment:
- Rejecting. She is not capable of love. He does not accept his child as he is.
- Holding. Not able to support changes in the child, as a result, this leads to a lack of support for his personality and self-certification.
- Competing. Does not support the development of gender identity, the search for the child of his I.
Typology is tied to different stages of personal development.
Adults who have this syndrome appear to be perfectly normal people. They start a family, make a career. Surrounding may not guess the presence of certain problems.
A woman may have inner experiences with which she is unable to cope, but at the same time she does not share them with other people. She is may not even be aware of what is actually happening to her and why she has such an atypical relationship to her child.
Trying to get love they try to compensate in various ways - creativity, surrounding themselves with a large number of people, go to work, starting short novels.
They love their child, but not unconditional love, but for something - I love him, because he is so, he does this.
What is dangerous?
Living with such a mother, the child begins to think that the most acceptable behavior for him is related to failure. Eventually suffering for him becomes synonymous with love.
Already grown children do not know how to enjoy life, and these adults suffer, seeing how others enjoy life, but they themselves do not understand how to do it.
They have tightness and fear to open up, to feel true love and pleasure, the fear of becoming emotionally attached to someone and get frustrated.
They think they are the worst, they are not capable of anything, not worthy of affection and happiness. They have a state of worthlessness and powerlessness before it. The world seems hostile and opposed to them.
Women with dead mother's syndrome do not realize the inner desire to kill their child, make it worse.
They do not understand that get satisfaction when something happens to himand then they can show their care.
Being in the state of hyper-care, the child, nevertheless, does not feel warmth, emotional contact.
Mother expresses her feelings with aggressive behavior, but for a child is scary and incomprehensible.
The infant perceives the emotional state of the mother long before he is able to realize his emotions, and this affects him. That is why it is so important. close emotional contact at an early age.
However, in subsequent years of development, emotional contact is very important in order to the child felt needed, loved and protected. At first he perceives the world around him through a parental relationship, and if he is rejected, then this world also seems hostile.
As a result, a person learns to prove his love through aggression, emotions are distorted, and subsequently normal human relationships become impossible.
A child grows up, having character traits, which is difficult to fix further:
- increased anxiety, constant waiting for danger;
- feeling of emptiness within oneself;
- inability to accept love and support from other people;
- distrust of the world and other people;
- doubts whether they really love him;
- violation of sensitivity;
- auto-aggression, and it may not be recognized, the desire for death;
- fear of making a mistake;
- emotional coldness, lack of desire to show love, give it to others, give warmth to loved ones.
How to get rid of the syndrome?
The best way - consult a psychologist. If this is not possible, you can try to heal yourself from the complex.
- Realize aggression, to yourself, child, husband, own mother.
- Notice how is this aggression expressed and in what situations.
- Learn to control affects. The process is long. Every time you have to be aware of the appearance of aggression, fix the moment when it should spill out, and stop it.
It is important to understand that what is happening - just a projection of what was.
- Realize that your aggression is actually it is your love, just expressed in the wrong form. Let her in. It is likely that at the same time a feeling of self-pity will come.
- Pain is recommended to cry. Do not be afraid of your emotions - remember your childhood, past offenses, relationships with parents. Understand that from your parents you will not receive the portions of love that they had to give in childhood. This fact must be accepted and forgiven for this - they are not to blame for not being able to express their feelings.
- Accept your mother. Accept what happened to you and what is now. Now your destiny is in your hands.
- Allow yourself to lovebe happy Allow me to accept love from a man and give it to my children.
If dead mother syndrome is detected, then the first task is Do not let it develop completely. It is better to get rid of the problem before the appearance of your children, but in this version you can still change something.
Prevention of appearance
Of great importance is the awareness of their present relationship to the child. Mother must understand that she is losing emotional connection, and this directly affects the development of the baby.
Often the problem begins to manifest itself. already during pregnancy when the fetus is perceived as something alien and undesirable.
At this time, a woman should try to restore the emotional connection, try to feel the child, get closer to him.
One of the tasks in prevention is evaluation of relationships with your mother. Remember how you felt when you were rejected or overly watchful, but without love, but because it is so accepted.
In therapy, it is important to be able to forgive your mother, accept her, understand that otherwise she simply could not build relationships with her children.
Find an opportunity to identify with the mother, and not with the emptiness that she created.
The task of the therapist and the patient himself - to revive emotions, to help open the feeling of love.
Dead Mother Syndrome requires the need for therapy, and not only with the woman herself, but also with her offspring.
And the sooner she comes to the consultation, the higher the likelihood of a cure and that she will not pass on the problem to future generations.
What is a dead killing mother? Opinion psychologist in this video:
