For the past ten years, everyone has suddenly attended to the issues of correct self-esteem. With so many trainings, books and materials, it seems that the problem can be solved with one click of the fingers. Yes, there are many answers, but only a handful of superheroes with iron wings can call themselves self-confident people. How to believe in yourself and not in the mythical superman? How to increase self-esteem? No If you endlessly absorb someone else's advice and do nothing yourself.
Recommendations of coaches and psychologists are good, but they may not work. If only because the units of faith in themselves do not exist. For example, a fat man was going to lose weight. He weighed, measured height, calculated body mass index - got a number. Compared with the norm - I understood my goal. In matters of self-esteem numbers are not. But there are tools. And yes, they will lead to the result, regardless of whether you believe in them or not.
Take your time or rush slowly
I want to fall asleep in the evening, a timid loser, wake up in the morning and immediately accomplish the feat. Or go through training, straighten shoulders and go out forever self-confident person. But it is precisely on such drastic changes that the psyche does not endure. It is like winning the lottery. According to statistics, a year later, a person is left not only without money, but with an insult to the whole world. Let's be frank with you: if you were shy of your non-ideal figure all your life, then an attempt to walk along the beach in a bikini will suffer a deafening fiasco. Even after a week of self-suggestion.
If you have been timid and shy since childhood, then the process of reincarnation will take several years. No need to immediately develop on all fronts, otherwise there is a chance to drop everything in a few days. And if so, then you can especially and do not strain - there is still time.
Conclusion. No tension. One small step. If it doesn't work, it's okay.
One month - one habit
Habits rule. Life is moving thanks to the convictions that we received in 5-6-7-10 years. Beliefs have become habits, patterns, rituals, no matter what they are called psychologists, but the essence is the same: we act according to the pattern. It was this scheme that brought us to the place where we are at the moment. The disappointing truth is this: every inconvenient habit at first glance brings certain benefits.
For example, a constant comparison with other people is clearly not in their favor. Benefit? Self pity. You can cover with a blanket, cry and do nothing else. And so, it is necessary to act, work, go to the goal without regard for others. You can, of course, be tough to say: believe in yourself, a rag. But the brain will prepare a new loophole and that's it. Not really wanted. Will have to act smarter and thinner. To get rid not of several habits at once, but from one per month. 12 months, 12 habits.
for example. Write a list of habits that bother you. Not for others, for myself. Choose the simplest and work only with it for a month. Can you handle it? For sure.
Conclusion. Nobody sculpts a new house on an old foundation. You can create good habits, but not all at once.
There is no guarantee. Humble yourself.
We are afraid to quit unloved work, start a serious relationship, start a business and explain this with a lack of confidence. What are we waiting for? Improving the economic situation, favorable conditions, promotion. But the main thing - we are waiting for the guarantee that the initiative will be successful. Why do you need it? To do nothing. After all, many people in the same conditions open firms, get married, have children and develop a favorite business. Yes, many are ruined, divorced, begin again and again. Following the advice of Mark Zuckerberg will not lead guaranteed to the new Facebook. What is the guarantee? That you will regret not done.
for example. Want to change jobs - write a resume. Send out to several vacancies. Will they offer you a new job right away? Is not a fact. But it's done. Go ahead.
Conclusion. There are no guarantees in life. But there are opportunities that are guaranteed to lead to a result.
Guilt abolished
They walked confidently, argued, argued, and after a critical remark about the error in the report, they disappeared and fell? Forgive yourself. At the conference, they pondered the question too long, but didn’t they ask it? It's nobody's fault. Forget about it. After all, the feeling of guilt is the official permission for oneself to do nothing. I already started to worry? So I'm fine. Guilt is one of the universal emotions. Just note your wrongdoing as an outside observer. For people who, instead of guilt, simply accept what happened as a given, a new mechanism is turned on in their head - correcting the situation.
For example. Guilt is a common emotion. About her written a whole book "Sedona method" by Gail Dvoskin. The essence of the method: if the wine is overwhelming, enjoy this feeling with fullness, but for one evening. Hurt, got up, go ahead.
Conclusion. Do not blame yourself for weakness. It is important.
Error is not the end. Keep working
Common situation? You scroll through an act, argument or decision in your head and understand that you could have acted differently, said more convincingly or decided more correctly. This is not a reason to go out of the way. The right approach is to just keep making decisions. Did not the courses fit? Let's go to the others. No courage to go to training? Let's sign up for a webinar. And so every day. It did not fit - it is not your low self-esteem. It's just not yours. Uncertainty in chains hangs on his feet, making it difficult to walk? And you have to go. Remember the parable of the frog who kicked in the cream and whipped the butter? It is necessary to kick. Even after another setback. Even after the breakdown. With eyes closed, with a sense of worthlessness. Only then everything will work out.
For example. Instead of the question "what did I achieve today," ask yourself "what did not work out for me". The answer will help you understand where to go next.
Conclusion. No mistakes - no growth. On the one hundred and first failure, you will not care.
Choose familiar or understandable
It is foolish to be painted in pink color, if for years he did not dare to change his hair. Or tie the ball to the cap to get rid of the feeling of embarrassment. Even if great people did this in order to believe in themselves. But you go to the hairdresser? Then one day ask him to cut the fringe a little shorter. Or feel free to talk to unfamiliar people? But at the stop you are standing next to strangers? Just go to the company and stand next. Just wait. Just talk. Or they appeal to you with a request, but you cannot refuse. Do not motivate the refusal, do not make excuses. Just say no. Everyone has their own awkward situation. The bottom line is that sometimes you do not need complex explanations about the principles of the brain. We need a simple instruction: how to act in such a situation.
For example. You must explain to a small child that you cannot stick your fingers into a wall outlet. He does not need to know the principles of the motion of electrons. He just needs to know - not. And the point.
Conclusion. To solve problems you do not come while reading the theory. And by simple actions.
We are our environment
It's not easy to start running if you live with your parents and wake up with a ready-made sandwich by the bed. You can not hope for career growth where everyone thinks you are a loser. We communicate with those with whom we are comfortable and familiar. Our attitude is determined by 5 people from our permanent environment. No need to change everything at once. You can start to set a conscious goal and find like-minded people. It is important to seek support from people who raise your own standards.
For example. Want to grow in your field? Contact your supervisor, ask him to help. In fact, mentors are ready to help when they see a sincere interest in work in the eyes of subordinates.
Conclusion. No need to ignore old friends. But at the same time it is worth expanding the circle of communication that will help to become more confident.
The psychologist is a friend
The important point - you need to dig up the root causes. If parents have decided everything for you since childhood, it is difficult to decide in one day at 30 (35, 40, 45) years to take responsibility. Yes, there are many such tips, but these are all generalizations. Only your personal psychologist will be able to get to the depths of your soul, pull out, analyze and help you let go of children's experiences. Psychologists are not sectarians, not charlatans, nor shamans who earn money on people's problems.
A practicing psychotherapist is a good psychologist who has already heard a similar story, but from other people. Or read it in the books. Yes, we are not original in our experiences. But the solution of some problems pulls a couple of useful conclusions. Going to a psychologist is expensive. But it is still cheaper than chewing all the memories of the first unsuccessful date.
For example. Do you think that talking to yourself is a sign of mental disorder? And no. This is a termination exercise.
Conclusion. One has only to restore order in the memories, the decisions begin to be taken by themselves.
Bonus Sense of humor helps in all situations
Knowledge - zero, if they do not bring happiness. Waiting for superpower or following the tips, how to believe in yourself in 5 minutes is fiction. The ranks of losers are replenished despite the training and advice of psychologists. Willpower is gainful, but it will not appear by itself. But you can fool your broken brain and old habits. Reject the questions "can I" and just go. Slowly. Step by step.
