“I want to divorce my husband, but I’m afraid,” “How to get a divorce painlessly?”, “I’m worried that I won’t be able to tell my husband and children correctly about the decision” - these experiences are regularly expressed by married women to practicing psychologists.
In psychology, there have long been many schemes that can help most women in the divorce process.
What is worth thinking about?
Most Russian women very patient in matters of marriage and are willing to put up with many of the negative traits of husbands, even those who have a very negative effect on interpersonal relationships.
It is connected with stereotypesliving in society, and with individual values in life, and with the presence of psychological dependence on the husband.
Therefore, it is not easy for all women to decide on a divorce, especially if they have lived with their husband for years and have joint children.
But, if a woman feels that she has to endure the difficulties associated with her spouse, she is no longer able to, and she already has an extensive list of complaints, it's time to divorce. If it is difficult for her to decide on this, it is important to visit a psychologist.
Causes requiring urgent divorce:
- violence (physical, mental, sexual) by the husband;
- spouse heavy addictions (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling), seriously poisoning the life of the family, the fight against which for a long time was unsuccessful;
- her husband's lack of desire to change, despite repeated attempts to convince him to do it (some husbands may promise oath, but do practically nothing, while others simply ignore the slightest attempts to discuss the problems, devalue the wife’s feelings, threaten her, beat her, mock her, and this is the first point).
If at least one of the indicated reasons is present, should begin to resolve the issue of divorce: living together with such a husband will never be happy, no matter how much you hope.
Before you file for divorce, you should think about the following things:
- Is my decision really weighted, not impulsive? For some people, especially young people, it is difficult to make informed decisions. They are not fully prepared for responsibility, do not know how and rarely want to solve problems in a joint discussion, therefore many of them, having entered into marital relations, tend to break them when inevitable difficulties appear.
If you are not sure of the reasonableness of the decision, wait a while, calm down, look at the situation better and then draw conclusions.
- How will I support my family after a divorce? Consider whether you have enough financial resources to live and raise children who are likely to stay with you after the divorce. Estimate what options are there. It may be worth asking for help from parents, friends, colleagues, to find a side job.
- Are there any other options that I have not tried? Perhaps it makes sense to try to talk with her husband again (but it’s better not to talk with her tyrant husband) in a relaxed atmosphere, discuss options for action, invite him to go to a family psychologist.
- Can I change so that the family can be saved? In some cases (far from all), the behavior of a woman influences how a man will behave with her. If she regularly accuses him, provokes quarrels, uses psychological violence, he will hardly feel happy. If you notice excessive aggressiveness behind you and, having thought it over, you remembered that you are regularly initiating scandals (even if you think you should behave so expediently), it makes sense to change something in yourself, talk to your husband in a calm atmosphere, ask him what problems he sees, offer to visit a family psychologist together.
- Do I love him now? This question is rather not about love in the ordinary view, but about love in a broader sense. Would you like to take it? Listen? Trust him? Do you like being with him? Do you have a feeling that you could live with him all his life, and she would be good? Are you comfortable talking to each other?
If you have answered negatively to many of these questions, start a divorce.
- How best to tell him about the decision? Every woman knows her man well enough to better imagine how to convey to him this or that information.
- What can I do to make the subsequent relationship more successful? And do I need a new relationship in the near future? If you feel that you absolutely do not want to think about the following relationships, set this question aside for later.
- What prospects and opportunities will a divorce give me? Think good. This is most important if you are not sure of your decision, fear the consequences. Imagine what life would be like without a husband. It will probably be much easier to maintain life and generally easier to live. And if the husband was violent, then think about how to live well without fear, without constant thoughts about how to avoid his anger, criticism, bullying. This will help you make the right decision.
- What should I do to better represent what I can count on? Think about your capabilities, make a plan of action. For example, you may decide that you need to know more about the legal side. To do this, you should examine the information on the Internet, contact the staff of the registrar, lawyers. When you are informationally savvy, deciding what to do next will be much easier.
If you and your husband have children, be prepared for the fact that they will need to report the decision and help cope with the pain.
Where to start?
How to properly divorce her husband?
Best start with search divorce information: If you know enough important information, it will be easier for you to make further decisions.
Read legal articles on the Internet, contact a lawyer, consult with friends and girlfriends who have divorced.
If the husband does not show aggression and there is a probability that he will not be against the divorce, Be sure to discuss all the details with him: it makes life much easier.
But it is better not to start a conversation with your spouse if you are not sure that he will respond adequately. Talk to him later, when you’ll think it over and prepare everything.
When you know everything you need, Start preparing the documentation. It is best to place it in such a way that if the husband tries to hinder you, she is able to keep her.
You can, for example, place it in a bank box, deposit it with relatives or friends. It is better not to keep her in your own apartment if you are not sure of the adequacy of your husband.
The divorce process will be the easiest if you and your husband do not have minor children and valuable shared property. Otherwise will have to get divorced through the court. If the husband is definitely against it, remember that you can divorce without his consent.
How do you tell a spouse about a divorce?
These tips are designed for situations where the husband does not pose a serious threat to the woman and constructive dialogue with him is possible.
Key recommendations:
- Before the dialogue, try to calm down. During the discussion, you should not behave aggressively and rudely. Conflicts will not lead to anything: everything has already happened, and you need to go through the stage of divorce so that it is the least painful for both.
- Choose a convenient moment. It’s best to start a discussion at a time when both of you have enough free time. For example, it is better not to start a conversation before work.
- Make sure the man is sane.
Divorce should not be discussed in the following cases: a man is drunk, under the influence of drugs or drugs that can affect cognitive abilities and sanity, angry, irritated, not enough sleep, tired, feels bad.
- Choose a successful phrase. Do not use expressions that can create the appearance of what you are not sure of your decision, such as “maybe”, “probably”, “it seems to me”, “appear”. Use categorical, non-choice options like “I made the decision to divorce you,” “I filed for divorce yesterday.”
Be polite with him and tell him that you need to discuss the details related to the divorce.
Let him know that you are ready to discuss them later at his convenience.
If a man - abuzer and you do not have the opportunity to fully talk with him because of fear for your life and health, you should either not notify him about the divorce, or report it with methods that do not involve a personal meeting (phone call, chat in the social network, call Skype, email).
Of course, in this case, you should be away from him, in a safe place.
Psychologist tips
What if I want to divorce my husband? Answers to common questions:
- How painless to break up with her husband? Divorce in principle is not a painless process, especially if you have lived a decent amount of time with this man.
If he is categorically against a divorce, you have children and valuable property, prepare yourself morally for the fact that it will not be easy and painless.
Psychologists and psychotherapists will help to cope with stress, and to facilitate the process of divorce - constructive conversations with the husband, if he is ready for them, of course. Agree on how to divide the property and who will have children, discuss your own relationship after the divorce, decide not to quarrel in the courtroom - and the divorce will go quite smoothly.
- How easy to divorce a tyrant husband? With tyrant husbands, peace is also hardly possible, for that they are tyrants. The most important thing is to get out of a toxic relationship, and any divorce, even extremely painful, is better than none. Remember that you made the right decision. Try to take care of yourself, hire a lawyer, do not hesitate to take the help of relatives and friends, avoid personal meetings with your husband, especially if there is no one around.
- Husband earns little, so I want to get a divorce. What better way to do? In any case, the decision needs to be made by you, based on your personal situation. Someone will be able to tolerate a husband who earns little, and to supplement the family budget with his own earnings, and someone is sure that he needs a husband who gets a good salary.
The only thing that is important is to make sure that the man really does not agree to change anything and will continue to work where he works, and only after that get divorced.
How to inform parents?
If parents don't get into your relationship too much, they can not objectively looking at the situation, therefore, your task is to tell them about what is happening in a comfortable atmosphere.
It is important not to go too far: to be honest, not to exaggerate and not to underestimate the level of difficulties with her husband. After that, they will have to determine how to relate to your decision.
Basic tips:
- Report a divorce in a personal conversation, not by telephone or other means. This will help you to achieve mutual understanding, you will be able to track their reaction by facial expressions, voice, gestures, and get an empathic response. If you are too far from your parents, it is better to use Skype. A phone call is a good idea in only one case: there is no other way to contact.
- Think over the details of the conversation. Think about how it would be better to bring everything to them, imagine their reaction, prepare an argument.
If their reaction did not satisfy you (they think that you did wrong, they get angry, they read notations), try to remember that Your life is still your life., and you make decisions in it, not parents.
The story of a woman who is thinking of leaving her husband in this video:
