Good day. My name is Olga, I am 41 years old. Help to understand the situation. I was married for 18 years, my husband was the only man in my life. I felt that he was cheating on me, but closed my eyes and drove away bad thoughts, until his passion intervened in our family life. I decided to leave.
A year later, I met a man, he was 10 years older than me, was married for 17 years, and then lived with a civil marriage with a girl from 8 years old by 8 years. The relationship was not quite easy, and there was concern and attention to me on his part, but his open jealousy began to bring me to hysterics.
I was constantly looking for an approach to it, then choosing the right words, or after a quarrel I was the first to use it. I tried to please his mother, then pies baked, then a beautiful bouquet of flowers for his birthday, but after 9 months something happened.
At first he wrote to me that he was mistaken and turned off the phone. There were various attempts to talk on my part, to no avail. Two weeks later, we had a conversation, he said that he loved me madly, but he needed time to figure out for himself.
It takes another two weeks, he is silent. Found his mail and wrote to him. I ask how much more time is needed? He replies again that he is madly in love with me, and only me, and asks for time — less than a month.
And I feel like a patient in a mental hospital ....
I would be grateful if you help me figure it out.
Thank.
Olga, Novosibirsk
Psychologist's answer:
You ask for help to understand the situation described, but, unfortunately, the alien soul is darkness. You can wonder for a very long time what caused your man’s behavior or not. Therefore, the only thing I can offer you is to pay attention to yourself and your desires.
How long are you willing to wait? How will you feel and lead if in a month he will also put it off? Have you ever had the feeling in these relationships that you are like a patient in a mental hospital? How did you feel when “you were constantly looking for an approach to it, then choosing the right words, or after a quarrel first going to the application”? What would you like to receive from a man nearby? What kind of relationship would you like to have? Did you get all this in a relationship with this man?
I suggest you reflect on these questions until your man took time out. After all, this means that you also have a great opportunity to dot the i for yourself and prioritize.
According to your letter, I got the impression that you often act as if you need this relationship more than him. There is a tough, but in many respects true, phrase: “If you put yourself at someone’s feet, don’t be surprised when they start to wipe their feet about you!” How much will it take? Think it has something to do with you? And if yes, then what will you do to change this attitude and attitude towards yourself?
Irina, relationships are always the responsibility of two people. The feeling that you have already done enough for this relationship, or even more than enough. Perhaps you yourself should designate a period that you are ready to give him, and give the progress to your man? And while he thinks, you could take care of yourself and your desires.
If you have additional questions or comments, please contact us by return letter. If you want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the format of counseling, you can arrange an in-person meeting in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time for you.
Consultant Psychologist Ksenia Terentyeva
