Is it worth keeping the family on the verge of divorce and how to do it?

In recent decades, the divorce rate has increased significantly, due to global problems and changes in society.

Young people have become more demanding of their potential spouses, but at the same time not all of them are willing to consciously work on themselves and on relationships, and not just make a complaint.

Life for young families is further complicated by economic crises.

Therefore, in modern psychology, more and more questions are raised about how to keep the family on the verge of divorce, how to help the young couple reach an understanding, how to deal with family conflicts and what to do to live with your loved one for life.

Divorce or save a marriage?

Over the past fifty years divorce rate more than tripled.

Most often divorced people younger than thirty years of age.

Psychologists associate this with some mental immaturity, lack of readiness to take responsibility for maintaining mutual understanding in the family, maximalism, excessive demandingness to the partner, fervor and emotionality, as well as a lack of material resources.

Such couples rarely attempt to find a compromise, solve problems that have arisen in a rational way, and simply seek to disperse.

In addition, young people tend to overly romanticize the theme of love, marriage, relationships.

Therefore, they are not ready for problems that invariably arise when it comes to creating a family, and tend to think that a good family is one in which quarrels and conflicts in principle do not happen.

The most common causes of divorce are:

Unwillingness of one or both spouses to live togetherexpressed in rudeness, aggressiveness, alienation, the desire to hurt, unwillingness to seek common interests, refusal to help, and so on. Over 40% of divorces are due to this cause.
Alcohol Spouse Dependence - about 25-30% of divorces.
Betrayal of a spouse - approximately 12-15% of divorces.

The situation is complicated if the couple is divorcing have kids.

For a child, parental divorce in most cases becomes tangible stress.

A child whose parents are divorced or are in the process of divorce may feel that he:

not needed, do not like him;
helpless, since he cannot influence the situation in any way, even if he wants to fix something;
alone

In such children, the likelihood of developing depression and other minor mental disorders increases, they can become neurotic, and their self-esteem decreases.

In the future, it is more difficult for them to build a romantic relationship, because they are afraid to repeat the script of their parents.

Therefore, of course, if there is an opportunity to save the family, you should try to do it. But it is important to remember that:

there are situations when divorce is necessary, and as soon as possible;
It’s impossible to solve the problems that the spouses brought to the divorce: both partners must make efforts and feel the desire to save the family.

Divorce itself is not evil in the flesh. This is an opportunity to start a new life, to find a partner that will be better suited, with which it will be easier to establish mutual understanding. If the couple sees no other way out for themselves, then divorce is more than a reasonable solution.

When not to save a family?

It is not always possible to understand what is a partner, before the start of life together with him.

Often it is in the first years after the marriage, it turns out that the spouse is not so friendly, polite and discreet, what he wanted to appear during the courtship period.

And it turns out that he is happy to raise a hand on a partner, restrict him, humiliate him.

The family definitely should not be saved if:

It has room for violence. The expediency of divorce, if violence occurs rarely, is actively discussed in society, but most modern psychologists are inclined to believe that this should not be permissible. A regular brutal violence, which shows the spouse to another and to children, is unacceptable. Violence is not just a beating. It can be physical (beatings, kicks, pushes), psychological (insults, humiliation, gas-lacing, blackmail, threats), sexual (rape, forced sex). Getting away from such a spouse can be very difficult, but it is a necessary step.
Between spouses often arise conflicts, quarrels, which are difficult to exclude for various reasons. For example, partners have significantly different opinions on key issues: one wants a child, the other is categorically against it, one believes that it is necessary to maintain the traditional family structure, the other is convinced that this is an outdated system aimed at oppressing women.
If the opinions of partners, their goals in life, their views on family and life are very different, and it’s better to divorce to talk about changing attitudes, and it’s impossible to be.
Pathological dependence of one of the spouses. Drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling can be defeated if the addicted spouse really wants to change. However, not all people with such dependencies want to change. And since they make life together with them unbearable, divorce would be the best option.

Keeping children toxic for the sake of children should not be: a child will not be happier in a complete family, in which scandals occur almost daily, where the father beats the mother, or the mother insults and humiliates the father, where someone drinks unconscious or carries things to sell them and buy drugs.

Also compelling (but not always worth the divorce) reasons are the following:

Treason. Deciding whether cheating is a divorce, you need, based on the individual situation. Not all people who have changed their partner want to leave the family, and each person has a different view of adultery.
If partner betrayal delivers pronounced discomfort to another partner, occurs regularly and entails scandals, divorce would be the best option.
Dissatisfaction with intimate life. The expression of the libido in each person varies, and, if the spouses have different sexual desire, it may be difficult for them to get along. Partners may also have a different view on certain sexual practices.
Unequal distribution of responsibilities. Often, complaints are made by women who work and at the same time are engaged in life, raising children. Men in such families tend to think that domestic help is not a man’s job, and at work they are doing enough.
Discontent with the spouse, feeling of irritation to him. Sometimes there is no violence and special scandals in the family, the opinions of the spouses are generally similar, but something is still wrong: some little things make one or both partners feel discomfort. For example, sex is not the one, there is no feeling of love, but some features of character and habits began to cause significant irritation. In such cases, it is wise to either divorce and remain friends, or in the process of constructive dialogues (with the possible involvement of a family psychologist) find the optimal solution that will save the family and continue raising children, if they exist.

In addition, other reasons may also be grounds for divorce, such as excessive jealousy of one of the spouses, lack of common interests and topics for dialogue, lack of financial resources.

Each couple must individually decide whether a single situation is worth a divorce or not and whether it makes sense to seek compromises.

How to maintain peace in family relationships?

For partners who want to live together as long as possible, to keep bright feelings for each other for life and to avoid divorce, it is important to be able to:

Discuss problems and find compromises. Hushing up, ignoring problems is not an option: one day the tension will increase too much, and this will result in a huge conflict. To build a system of interaction within the couple should be before the marriage: discuss with a partner the need for a sensible approach to each trouble.
If he is against this approach, it is better not to continue the relationship with him.
Maintain trusting relationships. Both partners should feel comfortable in joint dialogues, feel that they can share their secret and get warm, caring, not aggression, ridicule.
To accept a partner, to respect his needs and desires. If one spouse considers the other to be such a subhuman who is not necessarily good enough for anything and whose needs do not have special significance, such a relationship has nowhere to go.
It is important to be able to take a partner, to realize that he is imperfect and that there is no ideal in principle, and to be ready to accept him, even if he changes outwardly and internally due to illness, childbirth, and life difficulties.

Family life - this is work which it is important to perform regularly so that it bears fruit in the form of benevolent, stable and comfortable relations.

How to avoid a divorce?

If one of the partners wants to disperse, and the other, on the contrary, is categorically against it, it is important first of all, as was said earlier, to recall that it is not always possible to influence the situation unilaterally.

This is really done if:

a partner who wants a divorce is still ready to discuss problems;
the difficulties that led to the need for a divorce, really overcome (for example, a spouse who does not want to divorce may try to change).

If you are a husband or wife and seek to avoid divorce, it is important:

Try to discuss the situation with the spouse. At the same time, it is important to do everything possible so that this dialogue does not turn into a scandal. Be polite, ask your spouse about what he thinks about what is happening, ask him to voice the most serious problems in the couple, ask if he sees any solutions other than divorce.

Offer constructive solutions to problems. When the main problems of the union are completely clear, it is important to try to find a compromise that will suit everyone. Listen to the ideas of your partner, voice your own, determine if necessary the period during which at least some of the tasks should be solved.
Refer to the family psychologist. A qualified psychologist can help a couple to take a different look at their difficulties, suggest optimal solutions to problems, and teach them to find mutual understanding.

If the decision of the spouse to divorce was due to some serious scandalbefore which there were no significant problems in the family, it is important to invite him to calm down, to consider what happened.

Ask for forgiveness, if you think that this is appropriate, remind him that he is still very important and that all couples sometimes have difficulties.

When both spouses want to divorce at once, the situation can hardly be influenced, except for the cases when third party intervenes or someone in a pair is aware that something can be fixed.

Psychology tips

Family psychologist tips for people who have the following problems:

Husband lost interest: what to do? It is important not to confuse the concept of "passion", "love" and "love." Strong hormonal surges, providing an acute feeling of love in the early years, will not persist permanently. In order for the family to continue to exist, and the people in it enjoy each other, it is important to make efforts and work together on problems, accept weaknesses and maintain trust. If he believes that he does not feel anything for you, feels irritation and believes that it is hardly possible to fix something, it is better to end this relationship. Some families in such situations helps temporary cessation of communication, rest from each other.
How to keep a husband? If the husband is definitely not interested in staying in the family and, possibly, has a woman on the side to which he wants to leave, by no means. The best option is to divorce, having previously discussed what your relationship will be after the breakup. If his desire to leave is connected with problems that are really solved, and he is ready to discuss them and do something, you can try to discuss the situation with him.
At the same time, it is important not to turn the discussion into a bargaining process, during which you will stoop and promise anything.
The husband is constantly on business trips: how to keep the family? A family, one of the members of which is constantly on the move, is somewhat incomplete in the perception of many people. But in fact, the problem is only in the case when the constant absence of a husband for a woman is unbearable or when she is overly jealous. Both the first and second can be handled by a qualified psychologist. If, in the opinion of his wife, a family with such a husband is not suitable for her, it is hardly worth continuing the relationship. You can also compensate for the feeling of melancholy, if you regularly call up with your husband on Skype, by phone.
How to keep the family after the birth of a child? One of the crises in the family is the period after the birth of the child and the period of gestation.
Many couples say that their relationship deteriorated precisely because of this. Moreover, they worsen even for those couples who are well aware that carrying a child and caring for him is not an easy task. In order to improve relationships, it is important for spouses to communicate more often, share housework and child care equally, arrange joint walks and remind each other of the importance of what happened. It is especially important for a man not to distance himself from his wife and child: this often happens in Russian families. The child is thrown completely at the woman, she does not have the opportunity to lead the life that she led before, she cannot even leave the house and meet with her friends.
This often leads not only to a crisis in the family, but also exacerbates postpartum depression, which can end in disrepair.

For family relationships to be strong, trusting and bring a large number of positive emotions, spouses important to discuss problems, sincerely take care of each other, more often engage in joint activities.

If mutual understanding and warmth reign in the family, the divorce will never be threatened.

How to keep the family on the verge of divorce? Opinion psychologist: