It would seem that loving yourself is so simple. Who could be more important, dearer? But very often people still suffer the question of how to learn to love themselves. Why does man not appreciate himself? Someone is looking for flaws in his character, someone is dreaming to change appearance, someone is just too close to the heart takes someone else's opinion.
If we consider the relationship between partners, it is often said that love is work. At first there is a passion, a physiological attraction, and after some time it becomes clear that if you want to live happily with a person, then you should close your eyes for some moments, but something must be changed. Here it is possible and necessary to draw a parallel. It is important to understand that you are ready to forgive yourself, and what you really need to work on.
Step one: learn to forgive
Step one: learn to forgiveForgiveness is the most important step that should not be missed. Everyone in life had moments that are unpleasant to remember, for which it hurts and it hurts. Here you can begin to solve the problem of how to love yourself. Think about them, realize that the past cannot be corrected, and to spoil the future because of it is stupid.
Step two: get rid of the victim role
A person who does not love himself cannot be happy, because everyone has happiness inside. The problem for which a person wants to learn how to learn to love himself, for many, lies in deep childhood. Parents who want to raise a well-mannered and polite person often say that they need to give in, share, not react when they are offended.
This is important, but in everything there must be a measure. When a person grows up, he thinks that respect and self-love is not the main thing, he gets used to being silent, closes himself from others. Already in adulthood, you need to explain to yourself that healthy egoism is normal. Of course, walking over the heads of others is not necessary, but donating oneself and one’s life should not be sacrificed.
Step three: what is self love?
The love of self awakens the harmony of man, he feels good both in company and in private with himself. He is self-sufficient, and he is not dependent on other people. He is sure that he is going his own way, respecting his mistakes, realizing that they cannot but be.
Try to look at yourself. How would you show love if you were a good friend? Want to learn how to love yourself? Everything is very simple. Take a piece of paper and write a list of what love is for you? As a rule, this list looks like this:
- take care of yourself;
- pamper yourself;
- support in difficult situations;
- promote professional and spiritual growth;
- to praise.
Taking care of yourself is extremely important. This item includes a healthy lifestyle and appearance. Take care of yourself - eat right, engage in active rest, do not forget to care for your body, teeth, hair. Outwardly attractive person rates himself much higher.
Be sure to indulge yourself. But this should be done correctly: if you want to get in shape and lose weight, then please yourself not with a cream cake, but with a new sports uniform.
Any person needs a friendly shoulder, sometimes even a brutal man wants to cry in his waistcoat. If something bad happens, try to talk to yourself, look for a solution to the problem, cheer and tune forward.
A person cannot stand still; growth is important to him. To develop, you need to learn and try something new, and preferably every day. If the situation is a little easier with knowledge - it is enough to accustom yourself to read several pages of useful literature before going to bed, then everything is often difficult with actions.
Try yourself in something new, take a chance, do something you haven't done before - very often we are not ready for this, and fear is the cause of everything. Realize that the changes that you need will not happen themselves, decide and the satisfaction that you receive as a result will block the fear of the new next time. It is important to allow ourselves to make mistakes, because they are also part of the development.
Another one is closely connected with the previous point - you have to praise yourself, and for every little thing. Regular praise raises self-esteem and gives impetus to not stop.
Of course, you will have your points, and you should be guided by them. I would like to draw attention to the advice that often occurs: give up self-criticism and love yourself the way it is. Perhaps this is a rational grain, but if your life does not suit you, then changes are inevitable. Self-criticism should be, it is a development incentive, you just need to change the vector of the application. For example, if you want to lose weight, do not say to yourself “I am a fat cow”, you need to say “I am goal-oriented, I can create the body I dream about”.
Any advice on how to love yourself, you will not need, if you realize that you already have something to love. In any person there is something good, it just needs to be developed and supplemented. Even the fact that you are looking for an answer to this question is worthy of respect, because you want to change, which means that you can change the world a little bit for the better.
Oksana, Noginsk
Psychologist tips:
The process of changing attitudes towards yourself is laborious and lengthy. This is the first thing you need to realize when trying to find an answer to the question of how to learn to love yourself. With hard work on yourself, you will feel a change at best in a month or even a few.
In the article above, there are good recommendations that will surely be helpful. By combining some of them with my own thoughts, I offer you the following list of exercises for shaping self-acceptance, self-respect, and, of course, love. You should not do exercises in a row and quickly, everyone needs to be given enough time and attention if you want to get a result.
Exercise "Self-esteem"
One of the prerequisites of how to love yourself, and of love in general, is respect. And I suggest you spend a week (no less) on drawing up a list of your strengths and merits.
Remember childhood and youth, ask relatives and friends, read interviews of interesting people and lists of possible merits for inspiration. It is not only about common virtues (about which we talk about at interviews: sociability, responsibility), but also about features peculiar only to you. Perhaps you masterfully read poetry, or have a sense of change in the slightest shades of mood in others, or you feel the time, and you do not need to use the clock ?!
Exercise "A man who loves himself - who is this?"
Describe (preferably in writing) a person who loves and respects himself with all the details that you can think of: How does he dress? How to communicate with people around you? How do people relate to him? What and when does he eat? What do you do in your free time? What are your feelings? What does he think at different moments of the day? How does it behave? Where does anyone work? Etc.
After a detailed description, make a comparative analysis: how does a person in your description differ from yourself, what are the similarities and differences. Similarities will show that you already have the features of the very mythical "man who loves himself." And the differences will show the areas on which to work.
Here it is important to take into account the following point: our inner life and our behavior are interconnected and influence each other, therefore, by doing something or acting as a person who loves himself, you become that person who loves himself.
So, you can give a simple example: I have a good mood / I smile. What comes first? Oddly enough, it is impossible to say that it is precisely a good mood that causes a smile, scientists have proven: a smile (sincere) causes a good mood. So, if in your view a loving person starts the day with charging, reads a lot and goes for a massage, then start doing exercises in the morning, read and go for a massage, and after a while you will feel a change in yourself.
Exercise "Commendable diary"
Keep a diary in which you will make an entry every evening telling you what you can praise yourself for. Believe me, even on a most seemingly unfortunate day, you can find warm words for yourself, because every day we make "little feats": "I was not late for work," "I made a pleasant compliment to a colleague," "refrained from eating the second (third or fourth) a piece of cake, "completed all the tasks set for the day," and so on. An alternative to the "commendable diary" can be the "diary of thanks", where you need to record something for which you are grateful for the past day, the people around you and yourself. You can choose the format of the diary, which is closer to you in spirit.
Careful implementation of these exercises for self-acceptance and self-love, self-analysis, making positive changes and attitudes into your life will definitely bear fruit. The only thing I would like to say in the end: the process of changing attitudes towards oneself is often difficult to launch and maintain. And the reason here lies in the structure of our psyche.
A person is born in pain, learns through difficulties and overcoming himself, develops only after leaving the comfort zone, thus a person during life all-time encounters various injuries (small and large, sensitive and not so) and learns to overcome them. As a result, a person forms psychological defenses that serve as the guardian of our mental health from stress, failure, increased anxiety, internal conflicts ... And at the same time psychological defenses make us biased, "hiding" important information from our consciousness, and force all step on the same rake *. Thus, we ourselves may not realize what thoughts, actions, and events of the past strengthen and support our "dislike for ourselves."
If you feel that performing these exercises and recommendations for enhancing self-love and self-acceptance is not enough to change your sense of self, contact a psychologist or psychotherapist for help to see the "blind spots" formed by the defenses.
Consultant Psychologist Ksenia Terentyeva
* You can read more about psychological defenses in the books: A. Freud "Psychology I and Protective Mechanisms", N. Mc-Williams "Protective Mechanisms".
