The beginning of a romantic relationship is a magical moment when lovers do not see each other as disadvantages and it seems that it will always be like this.
But as time goes on, the romantic veil dissipates and it turns out that yesterday the perfect lover does not take out the garbage even after 10 requests, and the dearly beloved woman finds fault with trifles.
Each pair is, after all, agrees and comes to mutual understanding. Or does not come.
Understanding: what is it?
It has been long and rightly said about those who love should not look at each other, but in one direction.
Mutual understanding - the unity of opinions on significant issues and future plans.
This is enough to create harmonious relationship.
Understanding another person - Utopian concept to completely put oneself in the place of another does not go even among blood relatives. The man and the woman, who didn’t even know most of their lives - all the more.
Understanding in a relationship can be called full partner acceptance. Everyone still feels in their own way and assesses the situation based on how he himself would have acted in similar conditions.
For example, the one who is not inclined to a deceit, believes all on a word. Conversely, a pathological liar suspects everyone in lies.
Mutual unconditional acceptance closes basic relationship needs:
- feeling of being needed: everyone wants to feel valuable without global external and internal changes;
- respect: opinions, desires, personal boundaries;
- sense of stability: everyone needs confidence that he will not be abandoned due to health problems, finances.
Signs of conditional understanding in a relationship:
- mental assimilation to the beloved. The goal is to accept its needs and principles;
- empathy (empathy). The goal is to feel the experiences and emotions of the partner as one’s own (at least to try);
- A clear idea of how a person perceives his husband or wife. The goal is to accept the partner’s wishes regarding the relationship;
- formation of an image attractive to a close person. The goal is to correct your own behavior.
Why there is no understanding in a pair?
Any misunderstanding in the relationship lies in the rejection of the partner or the impossibility of one or both spouses talk about your desires and hear the other side (violation of communication).
The resulting rejection is difficult to fix; negative features and thoughts are attributed to the partner by default. Often rejection leads to a rupture of relations.
Misunderstanding due to disturbed communication, signs and reasons:
- Husband or wife not able to articulate their point of view. Conflicts take place in the form of "Himself such!". Spouses do not find words; ordinary disagreement turns into a scandal or even a fight.
- Responsibility issues: lack or excess. The first is typical for men; it is related to gender stereotypes, where caring for family and relationships is not a man’s business. Excess of responsibility is often borne by women and begin to behave towards an adult man as a child. Conflicts flare up when one of the partners decides to take more responsibility or get rid of the extra.
- Different values. Everyone brings to its own family of the installation of the parent. Different views on family life and basic values inevitably lead to misunderstanding. For example, one spouse grew up in an environment where family members were close and shared plans with each other; in the second family, everyone lived apart, without informing their relatives about each step. Therefore, the first one is offended by the fact that the partner makes decisions independently, and the second one does not sincerely understand what the problem is. Attempts of everyone to insist on the usual way lead to quarrels.
It comes to the fact that partners or one of them are trying to solve problems with the help of alcohol or for a long time leave the spouse.
What to do?
It is believed that if there is love in a couple, then she will overcome everything. Alas, ardent love passes, and different life principles remain.
Ideally, it is worth finding out what orders are established in the partner’s parental family even before marriage.
If the way there is significantly different from the usual, It will be difficult for the spouses to agree.
Often a person thinks that the one who needs it most should save the family. And it falls into two extremes: trying to solve all the difficulties alone or waiting for it from a partner (problems with responsibility). Both methods do not work.
The main thing for any misunderstanding - learn to speak. Many people simply cannot convey to their beloved their desires in a constructive manner.
Often, interaction comes down to the question “What happened?” And the answer “Nothing!”. Insults are accumulating, the solution is not.
8 ways to avoid misunderstanding or to correct an existing one:
- Realize that spouses are different people, not one. This will help to respect the partner's opinion: the right of an individual to his own values is usually not questioned. In marriage, the husband and wife often merge with each other and expect that the spouse will think and act not as an independent person, but as an extension of the partner’s personality.
- Avoid clarification on raised tones and even more so with the use of physical force.. Loud scandals leave deep insults and lead to divorce.
- Put yourself in the shoes of a loved oneby developing empathy abilities.
- It’s not worth constantly sacrificing yourself in all please the second half. But to think about some behavior correction, if it is important for the spouse (for example, not to make important decisions without consulting), it will be useful.
- In any conflict Do not respond negatively to the relatives of the partner. Even if you really want. A husband or wife can also become an ex, but mother will always remain her.
- Search for a compromise. A solution suitable for both can be found in almost any situation. For example, the husband takes care of the children on himself at least once a week, and the rested wife does not “nag” him in trifles due to banal fatigue.
- Do not resort to disputes to insults.. Hints of male failure are especially wounded for men, and women for external unattractiveness.
Words will be remembered and will be remembered at further disagreements.
- Prohibit yourself comparing a loved one with former partners. The words: “But if I were married to Vanya, I would have been a wealthy woman!” Or “I lived with Masha, she had time to work, and she prepared 8 dishes every day!” Relations will not be strengthened. And the partner will develop an inferiority complex.
When do you need to leave?
People are wrong. And the wrong choice of partner can be fatal error.
In an attempt to interact with a destructive person, not a single constructive approach will help.
Signs in a relationship that should guard:
- The man lives with a constant sense of guilt for everything.: he is guilty of dollar races, bad weather and partner problems at work. The feeling of such a global fault never grows out of the blue. He skillfully impose.
- The entire social circle is gradually cut off from the husband or wife: colleagues, friends, possibly even relatives. A person who has lost support is easier to manage. In addition, there is always an opportunity to hint to the partner that he is so bad that even close people have turned away from him.
- Parasitizing in any form. When the contribution to the relationship is unequal - it is always a disturbing bell. Equivalence does not mean that spouses earn the same amount of money, do the dishes on schedule, and take care of the children strictly by turns.
But when one is lying on the couch, demanding gifts and consumer services, and the second is exhausted to make ends meet - this is an obvious use of one person by another.
- Manipulations of any kind. For example: silence for several days, or even weeks, without giving reasons; threatening to leave a spouse; intentional stirring up jealousy.
- The most severe cases: alcohol abuse, drug or gambling, assault. There can be no doubt here - there is no future with a person.
If in the joint life at least one item is present constantly - this is a serious reason to think about the continuation of the relationship.
When two or more of these are regularly observed, these are reason to leave forever.
It is impossible to come to an understanding with a destructive spouse, any of his relations develop in the same scenario.
It is necessary to interrupt communication with such people as early as possible, long joint life in busy mode has serious consequences: neurosis, depression, suicidal thoughts.
When there are no words: a letter to her husband
Contrary to the prevailing stereotypes, women can also difficult to talk about family problemslike men.
The reason for this is the widespread belief that the representatives of the weaker sex are supposed to endure, smooth out and “not bear the brain” to her husband.
Sometimes a man simply refuses to listen to his wife, considering that she will not say anything important.
Silence and save problems - no way out. If you can not express thoughts verbally, you can always do this in writing.
Favorite man letter surely read at least out of curiosity, besides, the written message is of a romantic color.
Before taking up pen and paper, you should calm down. A text written at the peak of emotions will surely be imbued with insults and only complicate the situation.
7 rules for writing a letter of misunderstanding:
- Focus on the use of the pronoun “I.” For example: "I am upset that ..."; "I want to… ". Letters with endless "you" are sharply accusatory in nature.
- Do not use complex language constructs: there is a high risk of becoming confused and confusing her husband.
- Negative emotions can be given only part of the letter, best of all - the beginning.
- Statements must be specific. Men do not understand the hints well, and if the spouse starts to think out, misunderstanding will only get worse.
- Gently explain that a woman is afraid to feel unnecessary or not attractive enough.
- Share the blame with your spouse. Surely, my wife will have flaws and flaws in behavior with a partner.
- End the letter on a positive note: a call for reconciliation; problem solving; a reminder of your love.
A significant plus of the written message is that you can rewrite it as many times as you like, and during a conversation you cannot return offensive phrases.
The letter can be and farewellif the relationship is decided to end. In this case, thoughts can be expressed arbitrarily harshly - you cannot send a message to the addressee.
Psychologists believe that the insults laid out on paper are easier to let go and forget.
“Love is not sighing on the bench and not walking under the moon,” wrote the poet Stepan Shchipachev back in 1939.
True feelings - This is not a constant admiration for a partner or the same regular discontent. Love is the complete acceptance of the beloved and there is no place for misunderstanding.
There is no understanding in the family. Why and what to do? Family psychologist:
