Article provided by Stanislav Shishkanov, transactional analyst, EMDR (DPDG) therapist.
The editors heartily thank Stanislav and remind you that if you find yourself depressed - go to a psychologist!
I have been feeling for a very long time that something is wrong with me, something basic in me is not in order. I am hopeless, and I don’t expect it to change sometime. If I feel good, then I know perfectly well that this is not forever. As if a black shadow hovering above me, parted for a second, and then covered me again. I am afraid that it will be bad again.
Today I woke up in the car again. The chest is still the same stone, tension, anxiety and sadness. There was no strength and desire to get up and walk to the house after returning from work. Sometimes I fall asleep right in the driver's seat. It seems that once someone had crashed into my car, this would be the way out.
Then I go home, change clothes and go back to work. I know that I need to smile, say that I am fine and submit reports in time. I give the impression of a normal person.
Friends tell me - rejoice in life, relax, dude, you are too steamed. How to explain to them that this is only worse, that I do not deserve to live, and I feel like a complete nonentity.
The worst test for me is small talk.
I do not know what to say. He breathes in his chest, fear appears. Thoughts disappear, they are whirling in a whirlpool into some kind of funnel and emptiness. Feeling pathetic and stupid. I want someone to help me and get me out of this situation, I want to run away. But I'm worthless and nobody needs. I will stay alone.
Everything seems silly, ridiculous, awkward and inappropriate. The movements are mechanical, hiding my eyes from shame. I read all the signals of hostility from the person of the interlocutor. Sticky fear, shame, rejection, self-loathing. I want to fail and disappear. I hate myself, this whole situation is torture and torture.
I shut up in the middle of the phrase from the intolerance of how silly it sounds.
The feeling of its unnaturalness is already akin to convulsions, the neck stiffens, in the throat, the jaws are strained, wild terror is in the chest. To literally have to strain, it is physically difficult.
When people say that everything is alright with me, it seems to me that they are being bullied, although I understand that this is not so. Most often, I just want to be left alone, that I should not be with other people. I think that without them it would be better.
My relationship and sex life is a separate failure. I am constantly afraid of losing a girl. She takes care of me, and that makes it worse, because I’m sure I don’t deserve her, she will understand and leave me alone. When I do, I try to avoid sex. I do not have the strength and desire to deal with them, although I understand that this is important for her. Because of this, I feel impotent, I do not feel like a man. I can not even this.
I do not see a single variant of the development of life in which I would not suffer. People who give birth to children make me puzzled. After all, they must understand where they lead them, what kind of world and life is this. I do not want anyone to suffer so much and do not intend to have my children.
Depression is a projection of a negative future. A person suppresses and eliminates his desires because of fear, and along with them other feelings, energy, and sense go away further and self-esteem. Without desires, a person has no direction, no energy, and no understanding of "where and why" he lives. And the resulting black background is projected forward and it seems that it will always be like this.
The way out is to unearth the previously suppressed desires and learn how to cope with the fears that they were suppressed. The good news is that in therapy it is possible. This is not some kind of human defect, but simply a condition arising due to certain reasons, and with which one can (and should) work. (with)
