“The story is like that. We met a girl on a dating site 5 months ago. We meet once a week, we go to rest together several times. And all this time I do not feel reciprocity, to move to a new level of relations. Even before the kiss, the matter still has not reached, although they have slept together many times.
Our relationship is more like a brother and sister. We make good friends, spend time together, we have a lot in common. I have never been as comfortable with any girl as near her. I love her, and it's hard for me to part with her.
From talking about our relationship, she in every way evades. If she expects action from me, then it is hard for me: without feeling reciprocated, I will feel that I am harassing her. Or do I not understand something? ”
Alexey
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Alexey.
Judging by what you wrote, it is unlikely that your girlfriend is waiting for you to do some kind of action for rapprochement. If a girl with her behavior or non-verbally makes you understand that she doesn’t want any intimacy or kissing, it all happens within 5 months and she in every way evades talking about relationships, then it’s very likely that she’s tuned only to that type of relationship you are now - the one you called "like a brother and sister."
By the way you describe your interaction, it is very similar to what is often called the word "frendzona" - a special type of relationship in which there is no love relationship between a boy and a girl, and this communication has completely different psychological functions. I suggest you read the article on friendliness that I wrote for the magazine "Our Psychology"
We do not know for what reasons your darling chose such strategy of behavior. It is much more important, as it seems to me, to understand what you personally want from this relationship and how it is generally possible to get it in this union.
You write that "I have never been so comfortable with one girl as near her." I think it would be useful to try to figure out what is worth it "comfortable." What is it - communication with a girl with whom you have many common interests? Interaction with the person who accepts you, talks to you, listens? Or maybe she behaves with you in a special way, without all the "women's problems" that you are fed up with after a past relationship?
Any continuous communication is based on the principle of the balance of "take-give". One person always gives something to the other in communication, and the other also gives something in response, and the value of this is approximately equal to the value received. If one gives or takes much more than the other, such a relationship ends pretty quickly.
Yes, you, it seems, are not getting something important for you in this relationship: you do not have the opportunity to move to a new stage of relations, to be really with her, even just to kiss. By the way, the famous German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger says that if there is no sexual relationship between a man and a woman, they cannot be truly considered a couple.
But in your relationship, you get something so important, because of what you do not go to another girl, with whom you can get and kisses, and sex, and everything else. And then it is important to understand what is in your interaction with her is so special that this relationship continues, although it is clear that you do not get what you want.
I recommend that you reflect on what you are getting in this relationship, that they are keeping you near this girl all this time, without giving you the opportunity to fulfill your needs for love, as this is important to you. If you analyze it yourself is not very successful, I recommend that you get some advice from a psychologist: with his help, it is possible to sort out your thoughts and experiences much faster.
Psychotherapist, family psychologist Yevgeny Makhlin
