Want to learn how to learn to say "no", pay attention to the advice of psychologists.
Ability to refuse - valuable quality, helping not to do what you do not want.
Causes of reliability
Why are some people hard to deny requests?
Many found themselves in a situation when they wanted to say “no”, but at the same time they still said “yes”, despite the fact that delivered discomfort and inner experiences, forced to spend on extraneous affairs extra time.
You did not want to fulfill the request to agree to the conditions, but for some reason you could not refuse. Relatives, friends - everyone enjoys your kindness, but you can’t do anything about it.
There is a category of people whom difficult to refuse in principle. They think that if they say no, then the attitude of friends, relatives, colleagues, clients will change.
This reliability creates a personality many problems and spiritual experiences.
The reasons why it is difficult to say "no":
- Low self-esteem, self-doubt. A person thinks that by agreeing to a request, he thereby becomes necessary for someone. But in fact, it is simply used, regardless of its interests.
- Fear of being rejected next time. The fear that if you do not fulfill the request, then no one else will do anything for you. This is real if you always refuse. When you fulfill requests selectively, it causes greater respect for your personality.
- Features upbringing when the child was taught to obey stronger and not taught to resist.
- Fear a conflict situation - your refusal may cause outrage to the party asking for, or even demanding, fulfillment
- The word "no" may be associated with a sense of guilt.that you do not want to fulfill the request of another person. It requires you to agree. So you get rid of the feeling of guilt that did not help a person, but at the same time you create an uncomfortable situation for yourself personally, because you often have to postpone your business to help other people.
Any reasons are features of your personality and the presence of complexes that need to be worked on.
What is the ability to say "no"?
Ability to refuse opens up opportunities for you.
Now you control the situation and the people, not they by you.
To be able to refuse is first of all. respect for yourself. You are a free person, and no one has the right to force you to do what you do not want.
In fact, respect for you from the people will not be less. On the contrary, they will begin to see in you a person who has his own opinion.
Reliability is convenient for other people., but it does not improve your social status, does not help to find friends.
You take advantage ofand each time you find it harder to refuse. People are offended, because you have done something for them before.
The ability to say "no" is a new stage in your development. Now you are free to decide who to help, how to manage your time.
Why do you need to learn to refuse?
Learning to say “no” is necessary in order to manage your life and time yourself. How much do you spend on other people's affairs that are not related to you?
How often do work for colleagues, go to replace them on your day off, receiving almost no gratitude for it?
Spending money on unnecessary things at the request of children, relatives or friends?
Deliver colleagues after work, paying gasoline from your pocket? All this because of the inability to refuse time.
Saying no you take your place in society, make it clear to other people that they do not control you, but you yourself decide whether to help them.
Of course, you can not always refuse. Sometimes close people really need help. And here the fine line is to agree to say “yes” precisely to serious requests.
How to learn this?
Deny, so as not to offend, we must be able to. This is the subtle art of communication.
- We motivate our refusal. A colleague asks for another job for him. Say that you have a lot of your affairs, and the work of others is not your responsibility. No need to invent a reason for refusal, it is better to be honest. The guy invites you for a date, and you don’t want to go - and say that you are not interested in a relationship with him or you have more important things today, for example, the need to urgently finish the report.
- Offer a compromise. You will still have to work with colleagues and ask them for something, too. Therefore, suggest another option, for example, to approach another employee and send him a request or postpone the case until a later date when you have time.
- Tell that your qualification for this job is not enough.
- If the requests are obviously problematic, then better to refuse immediately. Say that you do not want to get into a risky situation.
If the manipulator tries to accuse you of callousness, heartlessness, unwillingness to help, put it in its place, using harsh phrases.
Of course, there is a chance of losing a friend or quarreling for a while, but then you will not do what you don’t like or seem dangerous.
Psychological advice: how to politely refuse a request?
Refuse better politeso it is likely that you will not turn a person against yourself.
Familiar person
How to say no is correct:
- Express your regret that you can not fulfill the request: "Sorry, but in this situation you have to find someone else, I can not help you with this." Let your opponent feel sincere empathy.
- Justify your refusal. It is suitable for any relationship - formal and informal. A person must understand why you do not want to fulfill his request. The statement should be made in a calm and friendly manner. This type of failure suggests what you are calling the real reason.
- Do not refuse immediately. In this situation, you promise that you will think, and after some time you say "no." A delayed type of refusal allows you to think about the situation and your attitude to it.
It is especially useful to those who agree to any requests automatically, without hesitation.
- Compromise. Offer to help a person, but not on his terms, but on yours. Or to fulfill his request in part. This method can gradually accustom people to the fact that you do not always agree to do what they need. You seem to be ready to help, but at the same time you keep your freedom of action.
- The manifestation of diplomacy. You refuse to fulfill the request, but at the same time jointly look for a way out of the situation. For example, you can advise a competent specialist who is better able to cope with the task.
- Express your gratitudethat turned to you. But, unfortunately, at the moment you are busy and can not fulfill the request: "I would love to go with you, but today I need to finish the repair, since tomorrow there will be no time at all."
It is necessary to understand that you are not responsible for the actions of other peopletheir emotions. By refusing you do not offend, but keep yourself the opportunity to act independently.
You are not required to comply with all requests from people, even if they are closest relatives. And this by no means makes you a bad person.
With fears and doubts, when you have to say no, think that in fact, you don’t do much damage. Very rare requests really require an immediate solution, and they should not cause you any inconvenience.
Relatives
It is much more difficult to refuse to close people. It seems to you that they will be offended and change their attitude towards you.
Set the boundaries of communication - you have your personal time and space, and you can use them at your discretion.
The mother-in-law asks to take to the country on Sunday - say that you need rest before a hard working week, suggest an alternative option - call a taxi or go on another day.
Brother asks to borrow money - explain that you do not have them or say that you want to spend finances for a specific purchase.
Motivate the refusal to borrow from relatives - this is ultimately an opportunity to worsen relations with them, as not repaid debt often becomes a cause of discord.
Relatives are planning to come to you for the weekend, and you do not want to see them? Thank you for wanting to visit you, but tell me that you cannot accept them - you have a small apartment, there is no extra furniture, where you sleep, you are busy repairing, cleaning, leaving for nature.
You can offer an alternative - to help find the hotel at the time of arrival.
Sometimes hard waiver requiredwhen you are already tired of endless requests. They take up all your free time. You lend money, but nobody returns you. Relatives come without warning, and you are tired and do not want to see anyone.
They say you should because “We are native people and are obliged to help each other”. Tell your hard "no", you just do not want to fulfill the next request, because you are tired of being used.
At first it will surprise a person - he is used to the fact that you always help. But after a few failures, he realizes that he can no longer control you.
Alternate waivers with consent help. Choose requests that do not cause you great inconvenience.
In what cases you can not say "no"?
In some situations, after all have to agree to fulfill the request.
- if a seriously ill person asks to go for medicine, look after his animals temporarily;
- when conflict is inevitable, and it is important for you to maintain a relationship with a person;
- when communicating with colleagues, if you always say no, then no one will help you next time;
- when a person is in a threatening situation and he really needs help - he broke down on the highway on a frosty night, got lost in an unfamiliar city, lost his job and had a hopeless financial situation.
Ability to refuse is first of all your personal freedom and respect of other people.
Tips for learning to say no:
