Today I will tell how to get rid of jealousy in relation to her husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands for their girlfriends? Your wives to strangers? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?
Reasons for jealousy:
- First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
- Secondly, it grows out of self-doubt, in its relations with a partner (friend, child, whoever). Uncertainty that the partner loves you and does not prefer you to another person who will be better than you.
- Thirdly, jealousy is the result of a proprietary attitude towards your partner. The desire to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
- Fourth, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.
What we did not see in the list of causes of jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its foundation is fear. Constant flashes of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and distrust.
How to win jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?
1. Get rid of everything that does not serve your love.
During bouts of jealousy, many people lead spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on the spouse’s phone, try to smell perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he meets with his friends, and does not visit his mistress, forbid him to communicate with representatives of the opposite sex, and .d In short, keep your partner on a short leash. At the same time, they do not even think about where this feeling leads them.
Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving a certain problem that serves the interests of healthy relationships. After all, spouses should love each other, should not change with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be sure of their partner’s loyalty and do everything in order to fuel this confidence, even if it will cause a wave of mistrust, negative emotions and quarrels for no reason. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.
People are used to love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to put up with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationship.
But in fact, paranoia, which appears on the basis of jealousy, does not at all serve the goals of love and harmonious living together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.
Think about what your endless flashes of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself envelop your relationship with an atmosphere of distrust. You are so scared to lose your partner, but at the same time, you are trying to control his every step, blame him, create bans, swear, shout, suspect ...
Does this create the basis for a close, trusting, healthy and long relationship? The irony of jealousy (and indeed many other feelings based on fear) is that you, because of your fear, only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Distrust and paranoia ultimately make relationships more fragile and alienate you from your partner.
The next time you get jealous, and you want to scream at your husband or check his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How does this help your love? How can this prevent the appearance of those things (loss of a partner, breakup of relationships) that you are so afraid of?
If your answer to all three questions is "No way" or "It only hurts," then give your jealousy a red color.
This alone will not help you to completely get rid of this feeling. But, the first step, on the way of getting rid of negative emotions, is the realization that you do not need these emotions, that they only hinder you.
Rid your relationship of not serving the interests of love!
2. Eliminate your fears
About what we fear, we naturally do not want to think. For example: "What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about it!" Strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we don’t want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.
Of course, you will not agree with me and object: “It’s not so! I constantly think about what I’m afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be when my beloved leaves me, and what horrible feelings I will experience while .
But you do not think about what will happen next. You think only of negative emotions at the time of the realization of your fear. Try to mentally go beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.
Think: "What will happen in a year after our separation? What will happen in five years. It must be that the first few months will be difficult for me. But then I will start to recover a little. After some time I will have a new relationship, maybe they will be even better than these. "
(This is not the best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live even after treason! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)
Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, is it? Be realistic! Try to scroll through these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will go on living, and not about how you will feel bad at the time of the execution of your fear!
I believe that if you try to analyze your other fears in this way, you will understand that they too are empty. Nearly your every fear is a void. The border between human fear is nothing. Do not be afraid of this "nothing". (I will discuss this in more detail in my next articles.)
You should not be very attached to what you have. At the moment it may seem to you that a relationship with this person is the most important thing you have in life. But, this is partly an illusion and deception. It is difficult for people to think in the perspective of their whole life and they, it happens, greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.
This thought may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: "how is it not worth being strongly attached to something? I am attached to what I love: to my children, to my family, to my work, to my goal. This is the basis of my existence! You propose to become indifferent to the things I love? "
No, I propose only to stop experiencing painful affection, which does not bring anything but suffering and fear.
If you love your husband a lot, but you always live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such a relationship? I do not think. Fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you miserable. But the fact that you possess them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!
Strong attachments give rise to the fear of loss. And the fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.
Not to be strongly attached does not mean not to love. Not to be strongly attached is to take a more relaxed attitude to the fact that nothing is forever, to be realistic. Be prepared for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.
3. Stop comparing
"And what if he finds a more worthy woman than me, smarter, more beautiful!"
"There are so many men around her, more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can survive."
These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You begin to compare yourself with other members of your gender, and you are embarrassed by the fear of competition. But men and women are not some products in the love market!
Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of "goods": attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the most successful analogy, but closer.
I want to say that your relationship now is not the same as it was when it was just beginning. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were only connected by mutual attraction.
But, in the course of the development of relationships, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced by external attractiveness and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of relations increasingly understand each other, how they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, how they overcome another difficulty that has come their way ...
And this capital is a thing too valuable. It can not be so easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for all that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself do not guess. And it is this that allows you to prefer you to more successful and attractive people.
"Good" - you say. “And what if our relations are not like“ building up joint moral capital. ”They are only crumbling. It seems to me that nothing binds us both”.
Then go to the next item.
4. Improve your relationships
Spend more time with your partner. Learn his desires. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to solve family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Make a variety. And develop your relationship, not stopping there!
I am not going to give here detailed instructions for improving relations. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the loyalty of the spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and distrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfactory relationship.
If you do not find any evidence of adultery during your spying on your husband, this will not eliminate your jealousy, after some time it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have less reason to be jealous.
In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (treason), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and soap opera at the same time!
Recently, I wondered why total control by the state is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. I think this is happening for the reason that countries with major economic problems have only one way to foster patriotism and keep their residents inside the country. This way, lie, organize surveillance and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.
But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state, because it provides its residents with good living conditions and cares about them. Nobody forces him to "love." Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationship. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to gain joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. This is better than pursuing it through prohibitions and surveillance.
5. Curb your imagination
Your husband lingers at work. And now you have the head come pictures in which he has fun with other women. But do not rush to let your imagination go ahead. If you continue to present this, it will be difficult for you to extricate yourself from these thoughts and to listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.
These fantasies deprive you of the possibility of a sober assessment of the situation. Therefore, if you have noticed attacks of paranoia on the basis of the betrayal of your partner, then accept the rule: "the first thought is the wrong thought, until it proves the opposite."
This can be said to be the presumption of guilt of impulsive thoughts. This principle helps me a lot to cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not the way my short-term feelings try to present it.
Therefore, throw out all these fantasies for a while. You pay attention to them later. For starters, calm your mind. All the same, as long as you are seized with anxiety and anxiety, nothing good will come to your mind.
So turn your attention to something else. Do not let him "tie" in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their “negative pole”. Then you can assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will understand that your concerns were in vain. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get involved in your fantasies.
6. Stop living only the life of your partner
Often the reason for jealousy is the obsession of one of the partners on the life of another. It happens that this happens for the reason that one of the partners does not have his personal interests and his personal life. And he has nothing left but to live the life of another.
This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interventions in someone's life will not make you or the person whose life you interfere happier!
To avoid this, bring some variety into your life. Find your hobbies and your passion. In no case should this be a reason for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let it be a reason for you to understand that there is something else in life besides your husband or your children.
At the same time, let your partner (or son, daughter) live some other life besides family life. Leave him space to chat with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, do not try to study every inch of his life and do not squeeze it with the clutches of control.
It will also help you to become less attached to your relationship, since you will have something else! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and less suffer!
7. Do the opposite
Do the opposite of what jealousy pushes you to. If you see that your wife is talking to a man you are not familiar with at a party, instead of maliciously squinting at this man, and then scandaling your wife, come and politely meet this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and which she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how your jealousy was absurd.
8. Be frank! Do not play games
Drop all these spy games and hidden doubts! If you are worried about something, ask your partner directly! Just do not do this in the form of scandal! Easy tell about all your suspicions and see what he will answer.
But, before you talk about it with a partner, you would not hurt to evaluate for yourself how justified your suspicions are.
After all, many people lead a "hidden game" and act surreptitiously only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be absurd to talk about their paranoia to another.
Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only to speak directly about your fears and to reach a new level of trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also to check whether your fears are real or just the result of unbridled fantasy.
9. Trust your partner
I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I consider this question to be quite important, so I put it in a separate paragraph. Trust is a prerequisite for a healthy and strong relationship. Think, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?
I am not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, does not rely on anything in reality, but flows only from our personal feelings.
Why not try to trust your partner? Stop seeing in every word of his deception and discard his endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions will not always be unfounded. But try to believe your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and whatever he does.
If your concerns remain with you, then you probably need to change something in your relationship. Но, вполне возможно, что вы поймете, насколько ваши страхи были нелепы и увидите, как вера своему партнеру преображает ваши отношения, а вас делает счастливее. И вы захотите остаться с этим доверием навсегда…
10.Будьте готовы простить
Я не хочу, чтобы некоторые из моих советов люди восприняли, как способ примириться с явными проблемами в семье и избавиться от ревности, для которой существует повод. Может быть, у вас действительно все не так гладко и ваш партнер систематически вам изменяет. И это вам подсказывает не ваша паранойя и страх, а установленные факты. (Трудно это отрицать, когда ваш муж постоянно где-то пропадает, приходит поздно ночью и от него пахнет духами.)
В таком случае, лучше не отрицать очевидные вещи, не подавлять в себе приступы ревности, и попытаться что-то сделать с вашими отношениями. Я всегда был сторонником того, чтобы пытаться исправить то, что произошло, простить человека и начать все заново, прежде чем принимать решительные действия. Это я советую и вам.
Измена не всегда является индикатором отсутствия любви вашего супруга или вашей супруги к вам. Иногда люди изменяют, просто, потому что они не сдержаны в сексе, но продолжают вас любить. Иногда они это делают, потому что, их эго жаждет новых побед на любовном фронте, но при этом они продолжают любить вас. Иногда так происходит потому, что человек поддается аффекту, но продолжает любить вас. Иногда это является следствием минутной слабости человека, его ошибки, за которую его можно простить.
Измена не так страшна, как это рисуют вам ваша фантазия и ваши чувства. Но если это произошло, будьте готовы это совместно пережить, и жить дальше. Это не конец жизни.
Если вы будете знать, что способны простить человека. Что способны ему вновь начать доверять, после всех его действий. Что измена не станет концом ваших отношений. Что вы сможете вместе изменить и улучшить вашу совместную жизнь, не допуская повторения таких случаев в дальнейшем. Тогда вы не так будете этого бояться. Тогда у вас станет намного меньше поводов для ревности!
Но для этого понадобиться доверие обоих супругов. И их желание развивать отношения!
