Hard to imagine happy family without children. After all, children are a continuation of their parents.
Kids fill the life of the mother and father with new meaning, unite the spouses and give the opportunity to a couple realize yourself in the role of parents.
But there are situations when a man refuses to have children, motivating their refusal for a variety of reasons.
Psychology and causes
Why a man does not want children? A woman is ready for motherhood and feels that she is near her. suitable man.
In her eyes, a beloved husband or boyfriend has the potential to become a great father.
But the proposal to have a joint child man reacts negatively, aggressively or simply avoids this topic.
The reason, as a rule, lies in personal attitudes and convictions that have been formed in a person’s mind on the basis of their own experience, another’s example or the opinion of significant people:
- The wife will stop paying attention to her husband. Men often fear that after the birth of a child a woman will give all her love to a baby. But she will forget about her spouse, wallowing in swaddling clothes, baby robes and infant formula. And while the newly-made mother will once again shake a rattle over the cradle, the hungry and disliked father will go to work in a crumpled shirt.
And if earlier a man could at any time talk with his wife or ask her to do something, now the baby has become the “main person” in the family.
- The wife will be ugly / uninteresting. Moms often suffer from a lack of personal time. When to care for yourself, if the infant son or daughter constantly needs attention and care? Yes, and childbirth often affect the appearance of women is not the best way. Here and overweight, and stretch marks, and other delights of motherhood. A man, having a beautiful and well-groomed girl in his wives, is afraid to get a fat aunt instead of his princess with a dirty head and a face swollen from a regular sleepless night.
- The circle of interests of the woman after childbirth is also narrowed to the "children's world". And the husband realizes that when he comes home after work, he will no longer have intimate conversations with his wife or discuss topics that are so painfully loved. Now the tiny member of the family will always be on the agenda (how the baby ate, how many times he went to the pot, how long he slept).
- I can't handle it. Fear of not feeding the family is one of the most common fears among men. After all, after the birth of the child will have to spend money on diapers, cot, stroller, toys, and so on. And the wife will go on maternity leave. And if the spouse decides to go to work, then the nanny will be engaged in raising the heir, whose services will have to be paid from the family budget.
- I will lose my freedom. Before the advent of children, a woman loyal to her husband's hobbies. While the beloved leaves for a meeting with friends, she meets with friends. Spouse fishing - wife in a beauty salon.
But after the birth of the baby, the woman is isolated. She is forced to obey a certain schedule (sleep, feeding, various procedures). And not all friends are willing to spend time with young moms.
Here you can add more problems with transportability, because riding with a baby in public transport is inconvenient, and it is rather difficult to carry it in your arms. Well, a man has little change. He also goes to work, wants to watch football on weekends and plans to go fishing. The wife begins to save offenses, ask for help with the baby and expresses discontent: “I am at home, and you go wherever you want!”. As a result - quarrels with his beloved and omnipresent restrictions.
- Spoil the relationship with his wife. Hormonal adjustment, fatigue, health problems (wife or child), lack of sleep, fear and worries. All this can seriously spoil the character of his wife. And if earlier she was a tender little cat, the man was used to such an alignment. He does not want to live with a grumpy and angry woman.
- I already passed it. This situation occurs in families that already have children (or the husband has children from his ex-wife). Perhaps the ex-wife became unbearable after giving birth. Or maybe in the times of “naked youth” there was an acute lack of money, and the family had to limit everything for the sake of the children in everything. Or the man became a hostage to his status as a “father” and was deprived of any joys and entertainments. Negative experience was deposited in the subconscious and now the spouse strongly protests against the desire of his beloved to become a mother.
- Near the wrong woman. It also happens that being in a relationship or marriage with a woman, a man does not see her as the mother of his children. After all, the male body is arranged differently than the body of the representatives of the weaker sex. There are no age restrictions and “biological clocks”, and you can become a father at 40, at 50, and even at 60. And while the man is well next to the chosen one, he will be in a relationship with her.
But at the same time he will understand that sooner or later he will part with his companion for the sake of a more suitable candidate for the role of mother.
- I do not want like the others. If a negative example of a family with children constantly flashes before the eyes of a man, he will not want to have his own children. After all, a bad example scares. And what if the beloved wife becomes as angry and irritable as the wife of a neighbor? Or, too, will grow stout and begin to walk in washed-out coats? Or will the toddler forever shout, cry and plague parents like the son of a best friend?
What to do?
The husband does not want a child: what to do?
If the husband does not want you to give birth to his son or daughter, this does not mean that it is worth bury the dreams of motherhood.
The first is to find out why the spouse does not plan to become a father.
Ask more questions
If a man is ready for a frank conversation, it is necessary without quarrels, tantrums and insults talk to him. Is the spouse or boy just saying that he doesn't want children?
Ask why. And if the beloved dodges the topic, you can connect the female trick.
Use indirect or suggestive questions, ask the opinion of the man about the situation in other families that have children or are just waiting for replenishment.
Gradually succeed gather information, on the basis of which it will be possible to work, and change negative attitudes to positive ones.
Negotiate with a man
What scares spouse? Need to get up at night after a hard day's work?
You can agree with the grandmothers, who will take the baby several times a week to themselves. You can hire a babysitter or share duties.
Is the husband worried about his wife’s neglect and caress? Or afraid of losing free time? You can always find a compromise and agree with spouse.
the main thing - not to be silent, but to warn conflicts, resentments and fears in advance through productive discussion of the problem.
Show a positive example
Avoid talking to families in which children caused quarrels or discord. You should not go to visit couples who have naughty, spoiled and always screaming children.
Looking at this "anti-idyll" husband definitely does not want to start their own kids.
But watching the couples who raise their children in love and harmony, retain love and passion in relation to each other, your chosen one will gradually cast off all fears and prejudices.
And if a man is afraid that instead of a beautiful and liberated wife, he will get a blurred housewife, prove the opposite. Show photos of famous actresses or familiar girls who have successfully regained their former form after giving birth and lead an active lifestyle.
Do not "scare off"
There is a widespread situation in which woman releases comments about familiar couples with children, while standing on the side of the mother.
“Yes, in her place I would have her husband kicked out of the house!”, “And why does she let him go with her friends? It would be better to make the whole night sit with the little one! ”,“ What does it mean untidy? She bore him a child! I must now love and unkempt, and with a dirty head and stretched pants! ".
Speaking of such words in a temper, the woman does not think that man tries on similar statements on his family. And the desire to have children is replaced by fear and prejudice.
Do not hurry
It is important not only to motivate a man to have a heir, but also to understand himself. Many women suffer from the substitution of concepts.
Because of the pressure of relatives, conversations with friends about “the joys of motherhood and foreign propaganda, women start thinking that they want children.
In fact, this is only an installation imposed from outside. And subconsciously woman strives to avoid pregnancy and picks up a man who is not ready to be a father.
Tips for women psychologists
I want a child, but my husband is not.
If the husband does not want children, it is important to discuss this topic with him and try to find a compromise.
The worst case behavior - try to press pity, make tantrums and scandals.
It is better to give the man as much attention as possible and show that your love for your spouse is strong and it will not weaken after the birth of the baby.
And if a man has any psychological blocks (bad paternity experience, difficult relationships with parents and stable phobias), it’s better seek help from a family psychologist.
The guy does not want children. You should not build illusions about the fact that the guy wants children later or not yet matured. Silence on the part of women and hope for a bright future, in which there will be kids and home comfort, lead nowhere.
Ask the guy what your life together will be. Does it have a place for children?
If the chosen one does not want children and has set himself other goals (travel, science, career, etc.), then he will have to accept his position, or break the relationship.
I am pregnant and my husband does not want a child. If love and understanding prevail in the family, but the man does not want a child, explain to him why it is so important for you to become a mother.
Touch on the topic of health (because abortion can lead to infertility and problems with conception in the future). If a man plans to have joint children (albeit not now), for him this will be a weighty argument.
Take a step towards a manby actively showing your feelings towards him.
It is important to encourage a man, say that he will become a good father and will be able to provide the family with everything necessary.
It makes sense to die your financial appetites, and not to look at the branded sliders and expensive strollers, so as not to aggravate the man fear of responsibility.
The husband does not want a second child. Negative experience prevents men to decide on a second child. If you do not have common children, then the ex-wife is to blame.
Explain to the husband that baby not always a problem, and in your family the opinion of the husband will be taken into account, as well as the opinion of the wife. Show your spouse that you are ready to make compromises.
If you have a joint child, and after his appearance in the family went into discord, you need to discuss it with your husband. Most likely, he formed certain claims.
Find out, what mistakes, offenses and problems arose after the birth of the baby? Maybe you stopped paying attention to him? Or break down over trifles? Restricted intimate life?
Explain to the spouse that having given birth to a second child, you will take into account all the negative nuances and together with your beloved you will begin to "learn from your mistakes."
Recommendations for men
My wife wants a child, but I do not.
If the wife dreams of children, and you are a supporter of the flow of "childfree", then you will not have a joint future with this woman.
Sooner or later, requests and persuasion will pass into the stage of chronic resentment and depression, and the family idyll will crack.
Well, if the plans have joint children, however now is the wrong time for the birth of offspring (financial difficulties, problems with housing, the prospect of career growth, etc.) can be explained by the situation of the woman he loved.
Set a specific period when you are ready for the birth and upbringing of the heirs, you can provide the family with everything you need.
Kids are great. They allow you to bring relationships to a new, higher level. But important perceive the child not as the center of the universe and the only meaning of life, but as another family member, equal to the spouses in status.
Then the children will be a joy, not a heavy burden and a threat to the personal life and professional realization of the spouses.
My man does not want to have children, how to be and what to do? Psychotherapy:
