How does the suppression of emotions differ from the management of emotions? I did not consider this question in my article how to control my emotions. But, having received comments from my readers, I decided to devote a separate article to this topic.
In this post I will answer the questions what happens to the emotions when we try to restrain them? Does every person really need to have strong experiences? Is it reasonable to “extinguish” emotions instead of giving them a way out?
I am sure that these questions surfaced in the minds of many of my readers, subscribers, even if they did not ask them in the end.
The legacy of psychoanalysis
The opinion that a person needs some “emotional lightning rods”, diversion channels for emotions boiling inside, namely, such things that provoke strong feelings and, thereby, release the accumulated emotional energy, has become fairly firmly established in the mass consciousness. It follows from this conviction that if emotions do not receive the necessary discharge, they simply “dig in” deep into the personality structure, “preserve” there and turn into a time bomb that threatens to explode at any moment, releasing kilotons of suppressed energy and pulling it inward blast all being around.
This is used to explain why, for example, people watch dramatic films, go to cheer on football teams, beat a punching bag to blue in the face. It is believed that in this way they give way to the accumulated emotional tension. If they do not do this, then all the energy will, allegedly, “go away” into an unsafe channel: people will fall on their loved ones, swear in transport and participate in squabbles at work.
Therefore, the philosophy of controlling emotions, in the thinking of many people, is reduced not to work with the sensual world, but to search for the most harmless, least destructive diversion channels for their energy. This philosophy states that you can not just get rid of, for example, from anger, you just need to send it in the right direction. This is an expression of a certain "law of conservation of energy" within the emotional world. If somewhere departed, then in another place, be sure to arrive.
Such a belief, in my opinion, is a consequence of the fashion for psychoanalysis, or rather the abuse of psychoanalysis. I do not want to say that this opinion is completely erroneous, it is just that this provision has a limited area of applicability, and this must not be forgotten. I believe that the belief in the need for emotional relaxation has won a place in social thinking because such a belief is in keeping with considerations of psychological comfort. Not because it is true or false.
It is convenient for us to believe that we cannot get anywhere from our emotions and we need to direct them somewhere, otherwise they will be suppressed. From the perspective of such a belief, our tantrums, sudden nervous breakdowns get a reasonable excuse: “well, I’ve boiled,” “you must understand, I strained at work, that's why I shouted at you”. It is convenient to use such a philosophy in order to absolve yourself of guilt, do not you find
“Well, what if this is true, and if time does not take out anger, then it will be“ preserved ”inside, not giving rest? Don't we need strong experiences, don't we sometimes need to get angry, swear, suffer in order to fuse the accumulated energy somewhere? ”- you ask. If this is so, then why then, people who have reached heights in controlling their minds, for example, those who have been practicing yoga and meditation for a long time, look absolutely calm and unruffled? Where does their irritation go? Maybe their peace-loving look is just a mask, and when no one sees them, they pound the punching bag with gusto, taking out their anger? I do not think so.
The cause of negative emotions is internal stress.
So, how does controlling emotions differ from suppressing emotions?
Let's try to figure it out. Negative emotions can be divided into two types, according to the source of their occurrence.
Emotions caused by internal stress
This refers to those cases of hypertrophic reaction to external stimuli due to accumulated tension. These are exactly the cases when we say "I have boiled." It was a difficult day, a lot of problems fell on you, you are exhausted, your body is tired. Even the most insignificant situation, to which you usually react calmly, is capable of provoking a stormy irritation. This tension craves to go outside.
What can be done here?
1) To give a way out of this tension: break on someone, beat the walls with a fist, etc. Many, as I wrote at the beginning, see this as the only option for getting rid of stress. This is not true. Imagine a boiling pot on the stove: water boils and foams, trying to pour out the walls of the pan. You can of course do nothing and wait until some part of the water is poured on the stove and extinguish the gas, stopping the boil. But in this case less water will remain in the pan. The main thing that no one scalded!
A more "economical" option is to simply turn off the gas as soon as boiling occurs. Then we will save some of the water that would be spilled if we did not. With this water we can water the cat, water the flowers or quench our own thirst, that is, use it for good, and not extinguish the gas.
The water in the pan is your energy, when you strive to find a way out of the tension created, you spend energy when you just calm down and extinguish the tension — you save energy. Your internal energy resources are universal: both negative and positive emotions are fed from the same source. If you spend energy on negative experiences, then you have less energy for everything else, more useful and less destructive. Saved energy can be sent anywhere: on creativity, on development, etc.
It seems to me that “negative” and “positive” energy are just two different states of the same thing. Negative energy can be translated into positive and vice versa.
Just letting go of emotions: hysterical, start shouting, crying - this is not work with feelings. Because so you do not come to any useful result. This gives only temporary relief, but does not teach to control emotions. Unrestrained, angry people constantly shout and break. In spite of the fact that they always provide an outlet for the accumulated feelings, they do not get any better and calmer.
Therefore, a much more efficient option is:
2) Relieve stress: take a relaxing bath, play sports, meditate, practice breathing, etc. I am sure everyone can remember situations in his life when he was annoyed and on the verge of collapse, but the calming atmosphere and the presence of close people brought him to a peaceful state. Anger and irritation went away with tension. Emotions, however, were not suppressed, since their source was eliminated - tension. By getting rid of it, you can completely get rid of negative emotions.
In other words, we turned off the gas under a quiver pan, which was shaking because of the liquid boiling in it. We saved the water, i.e. energy.
I know from my own mind, what kind of strong moral exhaustion one can come to if one gives way to negative emotions: constantly thinking, worrying, worrying, not letting it go out of my head. But if you pull yourself together in time and calm down, you can save a whole lot of nerve forces.
Therefore, it is good to be able to “turn off the gas”, but even better, keep it always off:
3) Avoid stress. The basis of controlling emotions is to bring your mind, your nervous system into such a state that external circumstances do not provoke tension inside. I believe that this is the secret to the imperturbability of those who practice yoga and meditation. Gas under the pan in these people is always turned off, no circumstances can cause ripples on the surface of the water. They keep a large amount of energy in themselves, not wasting it on meaningless experiences, but use it for the benefit of themselves.
In this state, negative emotions do not arise at all (ideally)! Therefore, here, especially, about any suppression is out of the question, there is simply nothing to suppress! So when do we suppress emotions? Let's go ahead, there is another source of emotion.
Emotions, as a reaction to external circumstances
These are the negative feelings that are provoked, mainly, by the external situation, and not by tension. In principle, the difference can be said conditional, since all negative emotions are simply a reaction to something. For us, events cannot exist by themselves; there is only our perception of these events. We may be annoyed by small children, and may not be annoying - the whole thing is in our perception. But the difference between the emotions of the first type and the emotions of the second type is that the first arise, then when we are tense and connected mainly with our tension, and the second can appear when we are calm and relaxed.
These emotions reflect our reaction to some external problem situations. Therefore, to cope with them is not as easy as with the feelings of the previous type. It is not always possible to simply take them out and pull them out (relieve tension), since they require solving some external or internal problems. Let's give an example.
It seems to you that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is constantly flirting with others, casting flirty looks at other members of the opposite sex. Are you jealous. What can be done here?
1) Just “score”. You do not want to understand family problems for various reasons. Either you have a fear of admitting to yourself some feelings, or you are concerned about your work so that you do not have the time and energy to solve family issues, or you are simply afraid of unpleasant experiences associated with an explanation and unpleasant conversation with your second half. Anything can happen. Often you forget about jealousy, trying to drive away thoughts away, get distracted by work or other things. But this feeling inevitably returns ... Why?
Because you have driven your emotions into the depths, did not give them the time and attention they demanded. This is what is called suppressing emotions. This is exactly the case. You do not need to do this, as repressed emotions will still boomerang back to you. It is much better to solve the problem, to meet it with an open visor.
2) Understand the problem. This is a more reasonable approach. What can there be exits?
You can talk with your other half, raise this topic. Try to understand, either, the half really misuses the attention of the opposite sex, or it is your personal paranoia, that is, some kind of irrational idea that does not reflect what is really happening around. Depending on what conclusion you have come to, you can either make some joint decision or work with your paranoia.
We, in the context of this question, are only interested in the last option: to get rid of unconscious jealousy, for which there is no reason in reality (let us imagine that you have received confirmation of this: your girlfriend does not flirt with anyone - all this is in your head). You made sure that there is no reason for your feelings that jealousy is based on some kind of mania, an idea (“it changes me with each one you meet”). You stopped believing in this idea and, every time, as thoughts of infidelity penetrate you, you do not give them a go. This is not a suppression of feelings, since you got rid of the absurd idea that was their basis, solved some internal problem.
Feelings may continue to arise by inertia, but their influence on you will be much weaker than before, it will be easier for you to take them under control. You did not suppress emotions, because you brought them to the light of day, figured out and dissected them. The suppression of emotions is ignoring the problem, the fear of solving it. And working with emotions involves analyzing one's feelings and actions aimed at getting rid of their source (external or internal problem).
The same applies to other negative emotions that are caused by absurd ideas, such as envy and pride ("I have to be better, richer and smarter than everyone else", "I have to be perfect"). If you get rid of these ideas, it will be easier for you to cope with these emotions.
Do we need strong experiences?
A person who is not able to exist without emotions is a fact. Simply, he will not be able to make any decisions, he will lose all motivation. The desire to have more money, to be happy, not to be in danger to life - all this has an emotional nature. My desire to share my experience of self-development with people and to run this blog also comes from emotions.
But in everything you need to know when to stop, if you don’t work with emotions, you can spoil them greatly. For many people, the need for emotional stress exceeds all reasonable limits. They have a hypertrophied desire to constantly expose themselves to strong experiences: to suffer, to fall in love, to experience anger (“to torture one’s flesh with a touching knife” - as sung in one song). If they fail to satisfy emotional hunger, then life begins to seem dull and dull. Emotions for them, like a drug for a drug addict.
I lead to the fact that probably a person still needs some kind of emotional work, as well as food. But, which is true for both the need for food and the need for feelings, hunger should not turn into gluttony!
If a person becomes accustomed to constantly searching for strong emotions, the water that flows along the channel (we turn to the old metaphor) gradually erodes the banks, the channel becomes wider and more and more liquid flows through it. The more you get used to strong experiences, the more you begin to need them. There is a “inflation” of need for emotions.
All the same, in our culture the role of strong experiences is overestimated. Many people think that it is just necessary for everyone to constantly bring down intense experiences: “you must fall in love, you must feel it,” many say. I do not think that our whole life comes down only to strong feelings and this is something worth living for. Feelings are temporary, it’s just some kind of chemistry in the brain, they pass away, leaving nothing behind, and if you constantly wait for strong shocks from life, then over time you become their slave and subordinate to them your whole existence!
I do not urge my readers to turn into unfeeling robots. Just in emotions you need to know the measure and limit their negative impact on your life.
Is it possible to get rid of negative emotions only?
I do not think at all that a person needs to sometimes experience negative emotions for normal activity. Moreover, I disagree with the opinion that it is impossible if a person gets rid of negative emotions, then he also cannot experience positive feelings. This is also one of the objections, which I repeatedly rested. They say that emotions are a pendulum and if the decrease in its deviation in one direction will inevitably lead to the fact that the deviation will decrease in the other direction. Therefore, if we suffer less, then we too will have to rejoice - less.
Do not quite agree. Previously, I was a very emotional person and the amplitude of my sensual vibrations stretched from deep despondency to some kind of nervous enthusiasm! After several years of meditation, the state has stabilized. I began to experience a lot less negative emotions. But I would not say that I was less happy, on the contrary. My mood is almost at any moment elevated. Of course, I no longer experience almost manic bouts of enthusiasm, but my emotional background is always filled with some kind of feeling of quiet joy, meek happiness.
In general, I cannot deny that the amplitude of the rolling motion of the pendulum has decreased: my mood is much less likely to experience “peak” states, but, nevertheless, my condition can be characterized as stably positive. Still, my pendulum takes a lot more in a positive way!
Instead of staking a bunch of theory, metaphors and parables, here, I decided to describe my experience. I must say that I would not exchange a single second of this quiet joy, which fills me now, for a whole bout of blissful enthusiasm that I could have experienced several years ago!
