Hello! I do not know what I want more - to speak out or get advice, because the situation seems hopeless.
I am 36, two children, single and never been. But I gave birth to my youngest son from a man whom I think she loved very much.
It was not the first love, but a quite conscious feeling, when you understand what relationships should be, and that in a man the soul kinship is important, a certain similarity of interests and views on different aspects of life. We had all this, but when we parted (because of my pregnancy), he said a lot of things, including that for him this relationship was initially frivolous.
It was painful to hear, and offensive, but so far I continue to believe that it is not so that he was my soul mate. The son grows like his father, and I still can not forget this man. It seems that in life no one will ever meet whom I will love (a new love displaces the old one) and it also seems that only a miracle can help.
At the same time, I understand everything with my mind, but my soul hurts and there is no longer any sense in later life. I live by inertia. The article on the site, where your address is listed, made recommendations, but they do not suit me.
My job is stable, I do not want to move up the career ladder - in this regard, I am satisfied with the ratio of wages and responsibilities, responsibility.
I can be called a creative person - I like to sew, weave from beads, create something useful from scrap materials with my own hands, I like to cook, organize entertainment events for friends and relatives. In this case, none of these activities are not ready to make a source of permanent income.
There are friends who we meet often enough and have a lot of fun.
And with all this in the soul of emptiness.
I am not accustomed to sit back if there is any problem: in order to gain some peace, I need to do something, but in this situation I can’t do anything, because you can’t command my heart and I’m even afraid to talk to him - I'm afraid that I will not pick up the phone, or just say nasty things.
Can you advise something?
Respectfully,
Olga, Kirov
Psychologist's answer:
I want to begin the answer with an aphorism, which I personally love very much: “A hopeless situation is a situation, an obvious way out of which we don’t like!”
You write: “I don’t know what I want more - to speak out or get advice,” “I understand everything with my mind, but my soul hurts”. One gets the feeling that you know perfectly well the way out of this situation (I suppose that this is “the need to let your younger child’s father go out of his life”), but either you don’t know how to do this, or for some reason deep inside you don’t want to do it . And, maybe, both that, and another on slightly.
You assume that “a new love must supplant the old one”, but this does not work like that: for a new love to come, there must be free space for it. Otherwise, she has nowhere to go. You write “it still seems that only a miracle can help,” as if you were desperate to influence the situation, although the resolution of your emotional difficulties depends primarily on you.
Your main task is to let go of departed love, or rather, perhaps to let go of the hope of reviving relationships and the thought that everything could be different, letting go of the idea that it was this person "that was my half."
Love is, first of all, our choice and action. We love a person because in our heart there is a desire to love him. Why does this desire persist in you? Why do you continue to cherish this ideal from the past? What would happen to your life if you let go of this person? Think about it. I suppose that this has to do with the fact that "there is no longer any meaning in later life."
You write, “I’m even afraid to talk to him - I’m afraid I’ll not pick up the phone, or just say nasty things,” which means you have something to say to him, and perhaps this understatement, in particular, prevents you from completing this relationship emotionally . And maybe there is something that you really want to hear from him, but you know that you will not hear, hence the fear of talking.
Do two exercises when you have free time and space:
Exercise 1
Write him a letter, tell all that has remained unsaid between you: all the insults, hopes and disappointments, feelings and emotions, the difficulties that you had to face when he left. Pour out your soul paper, do not hide anything. But do not send this email. Best burn, tear, throw away.
If this didn’t bring any relief, try again: you may not have been completely honest. This letter does not solve your situation, but it should bring some relief.
Exercise 2
Take two chairs and put them next: you have to talk to your lover. Sitting on one chair, you are yourself; sitting on the other, you are "he."
Think about what you would like to discuss with him, what questions to ask, what to say to him. Then sit on the first chair and start a dialogue, speak out, ask your questions. And then change to another and become "them." What would he say to your words? How would he answer your questions? How is his life? Then sit back in your chair and speak from yourself ... Such a conversation can also open something new for you.
It is better to conduct these exercises under the supervision of a specialist and / or discuss their results, but if there is no such opportunity, remember: it is important to be attentive to yourself and to respect your thoughts and feelings. If you have additional questions or comments, please contact us by the e-mail address indicated on my page on the site (see the signature at the end of the answer). If you still want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the form of a conversation, in this case you can arrange an in-person consultation in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time for you.
Consultant Psychologist Ksenia Terentyeva
