"Good day! I am 25 years old, work, play sports, love music, read and go out with friends.
Three weeks ago I met a guy. His name is Alex. He is 26, he works a lot, studying by correspondence at the university. By nature, he is kind, gentle, polite and modest. Immediately, sympathy arose between us. We spent 3 days together. He constantly told me compliments, cared for me. He asked me for a phone number. We called up the week and wanted to see each other on the weekend.
But then he wrote to me that he had a session and he needed to prepare all weekend. I was very upset, but tried to understand what he really needed to do. I am sure that he does not have another girl. And I already know his parents. They treated me well.
Then he wrote me a week and invited me out of town with his friends. I gladly agreed. He kept holding my hand, courting me in front of friends. In general, I saw that he was glad that we were having a weekend together. Then we went to him. And until the next day were together. And he offered to see you next weekend too. But then again he canceled everything, saying that he urgently needed to help his parents.
In the week he writes to me very rarely, but he is calling and there is no speech. He doesn't even have time for me! I feel that I do not need him at all. If he does not want to communicate with me, then why not say? I feel unnecessary and that he doesn’t like me at all (although all friends think the opposite). I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. I understand that he is a busy man. But you can allocate at least one day off for me, since he likes me? I do not know how to behave in this situation: maybe ignore him? But I really like him, and I want to see him more often.
Please help me figure out what to do in this situation and how to behave? How to understand his behavior? I worry a lot and blame myself. Help.
Thanks in advance".
Olga, St. Petersburg
Psychologist's answer:
A stranger's soul is dark even for the most familiar people, and for outsiders it’s just an unknown and mysterious world. Since I can only rely on your words, some of my thoughts may be far from the truth. And yet let's try to figure out and reflect on what to do in this situation.
From your letter I understood the following:
- Alexey is sympathetic to you, and you would like to continue the relationship with him.
- Alexey is a busy person, rarely calls / writes and periodically cancels meetings.
- You know his parents and friends, and friends, by the way, are sure that Alexey likes you.
- You doubt his feelings and have many doubts related to his behavior and lack of time.
The fact that 3 weeks after they met you already know his parents and friends is encouraging. A man is unlikely to acquaint the girl with his friends, and even more so with his parents, if he does not plan to continue the relationship or does not like her. Thus, the probability of his mutual feelings is large enough.
In addition, now Alexey has a session, and perhaps this is not the best time to draw any conclusions, since objectively there is a factor that takes away from him extra time and energy.
I highly recommend not to ignore Alexei. If he is really a busy person, then he and you, first of all, need support and understanding, and whims and ignoring will not help here. I urge you, on the contrary, to be honest. Before Alexey and herself.
Think about what you would like ideally from these relations in the near future (for example, a month 2-3). You write that you want to see more often, thus, think about HOW often YOU would like to see, and what frequency of meetings is minimally acceptable for you. For example: “I want to spend one day off together and meet 2 times a week in the evenings; the smallest thing I agree on is one full day off in two weeks, but that week, when we do not spend the day off together, meet on a weekday night. ”
In addition, you write that Alexey does not call and does not write to you for a week. I assume that this is also an important moment for you. Therefore, think about what you would ideally like if you continue the relationship and what is minimally acceptable.
That is, in essence, with these reflections you determine under what conditions this relationship is possible for you. After these reflections, you need to reveal the cards in front of Alexey. In a suitable atmosphere, when you will be alone, explain that you like Alexey very much, but there are a number of moments when you need to feel happy in a relationship, otherwise why all this? Tell us what you would like to see more, would like to receive from him periodic signs of attention (calls, SMS). Ask Alexey what he thinks about it? Is it possible to somehow fulfill your wishes? If possible, how? What can you do to make you see, call up and write off more often?
You should not sharply put forward your requirements: your thoughts about ideal and acceptable conditions are necessary for you to decide whether you will continue this relationship or not. There are no secrets of how to make another person do what you want. More precisely, there are various ways of manipulation, for example, ignoring in order to attract attention, but it is impossible to build open, honest and respectful relations on such methods.
Thus, the best thing you can do is understand what you want, tell Alexey about it and find out if he is ready to take some steps. It is possible that he does not even realize your need for such attention.
Do not be afraid to talk about your feelings and fears. The worst thing that can happen is Alexey will say that he is not ready to allocate time for developing relations with you. But if you don’t discuss everything, you can suffer for a long time and be interrupted by occasional meetings on his part, then hoping, worrying that he is again “gone”.
I would also like to say something about this: once you pretend to establish a relationship with a busy person, you should learn not to worry about his absence. The fact that he does not call you or canceled a meeting will often mean that he is just busy. And it will have nothing to do with you. So the main question now is: is this state of affairs comfortable for you?
If you have additional questions or comments, please contact us by the e-mail address indicated on my page on the site (see the signature at the end of the answer). If you still want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the form of a conversation, in this case you can arrange an in-person consultation in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time for you.
Consultant Psychologist, Ksenia Terentyeva
