Despite the fact that in modern Russian society divorce is condemned, family separation is not always to the detriment.
If the spouses together with each other is unbearable, they constantly swear, and there is no sense in saving a method that has not been found, to save the family.
In this case, not all married couples know how to decide on a divorce, and to think of him is uncomfortable, even if their relationship brings only negative.
Why is it so hard to decide?
If quarrels occur in the family for a long time, one spouse regularly resorts to violence, has heavy dependencies (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling), the other spouse is able at some point to think that need to get divorced.
And almost immediately at the thought of this, he can feel burning discomfortconsisting of mixing a multitude of senses, such as:
- anxiety;
- fear;
- confusion;
- despair;
- yearning;
- anger.
In his head there are thoughts that he can not cope, will not be able to find housing, raise children alone, will not find money, work.
He can also start worrying about another spouse (“Well, how can he be without me!”) And justify his decision to postpone the divorce (“Many women have husbands who drink, but they somehow live the same way”).
This cycle, which begins with thoughts about the need for divorce and ends with excuses, can last for years and even decades.
Some, on the contrary, firmly say to themselves: “I’ll certainly write a divorce the other day.” And they do not write it, because the relationship with the partner leveled out for a while, and the emotions subsided.
This is due to the fact that in unhealthy relationships it is rarely continuously bad, and after several difficult situations there follows a period of calm that reduces a person’s desire to divorce immediately.
Reasons that do not allow to decide on a divorce:
- Codependency. This is the classic Karpman triangle: each spouse alternately tries on himself the roles of the victim, the pursuer, the rescuer, and it is extremely difficult to get out of this cycle. This picture is most often observed in families where one spouse has heavy dependencies. However, it can occur in any other family. To get out of such a triangle sometimes need the help of specialists.
- Having feelings that prevent a spouse from leaving. This is not always love, and usually in truly falling apart families there is no true love. More often it is affection, dependence, desire.
- Habitinability to get out of the comfort zone. The longer people have lived with each other, the more difficult it is for them to decide to part. If a person lives for a long time according to certain schemes and practically does not change them, his brain gets used to it, and as a result it becomes extremely difficult to adapt to new circumstances or decide on radical changes: the thought of change becomes stress. This is most noticeable in older people, who even decide to get a new important skill hard, not to divorce an elderly spouse.
When a person is faced with the need to get out of the comfort zone (in this case, get a divorce), he feels marked discomfort, greatly exaggerates possible risks, comes up with excuses and as a result does not decide anything.
- Common children. If the spouse realizes that after the divorce, the care of the children will definitely fall on his shoulders, he may begin to fear that he will not master it alone. If he knows that the children will remain with the other spouse, he may feel anxious about the fact that he will not be allowed to see them. The stereotypical statement “Children definitely need a father / need a mother” also works here, because of which many people have not been resolved to divorce for decades. Children in such hard-to-do full families are rarely happy.
- Various obligations, including those that the spouse entrusted to himself, for example, "I am obliged to help him", "I will do everything possible to cure her drug addiction", "He cannot cope without me, therefore I must be near."
- Hope. In both men and women, she can flare up over and over again when they hear a promise from a partner to improve. He may even take some action, but in the end everything returns to its original state. If the spouse is patient and ready to maintain his hope, it can be long enough.
A separate item is the relationship with the abusive partner. Recognize a toxic person At the first stages of development, relationships are extremely difficult, since they differ little from relationships that are devoid of toxicity.
Abyuzer gives gifts, showered with compliments and does everything that other people in love are doing, seeking to charm the elect.
The situation is heating up extremely slowly, so the victim does not notice much, and if he sees something, he easily finds logical excuses.
And when her life turns into a toxic hell, she plunges into a stressful state and can hardly plan her future.
It only cares for everything to be relatively good at the moment itself. Getting out of abusive relationships is not easy.
Tips for women psychologists
Husband addiction
How to decide on a divorce, if husband is an alcoholic or drug addict? Before thinking about the topic of a divorce, answer the following questions:
- “Does your husband resort to violence when he is under the influence of alcohol or drugs?”;
- "He is not able to control himself?";
- “Does his behavior give you pronounced discomfort?”;
- “Do you feel that a relationship with him does not bring you a single drop of happiness?”;
- “Is he almost always drunk or looking to drink / take?”;
- “Has his personality changed significantly for the worse?”;
- "You have repeatedly tried to help him, but nothing happened?".
If at least two questions you answered positively, you need a divorce.
Recommendations:
- Remember that you will not be happy with it. Your life is important, and spending it on people who bring constant torment is inappropriate. Most alcoholics and drug addicts do not recover, unfortunately, if we are talking about total addiction. No need to waste time on this person: no one will return it to you. You will sink to the bottom behind him, getting more and more accustomed to the role of the alcoholic's wife.
Do you want to be with him all your life and see him drunk, suffer beatings, inappropriate behavior? Hardly.
- He is unlikely to change. If you have already made a number of attempts to get him out of his addiction, but nothing happened, it means that the probability of cure is minimal. Better not to waste time.
- Do not feel sorry for him. Such people feel well, getting someone else's pity, because those who are sorry, also care. And pity in parallel justifies the addiction of this person: he is not a drunkard and not a drug addict, he is a victim, therefore he needs help. Yes, such people really need help. But not in the one that attempts to render that will eat up several decades of your life. If you tried, spent a few years, but nothing happened, you need to go.
Deciding to leave is often difficult, so you can turn to a psychologist: he will help you understand the existence of codependency and find a way out.
Spouse - a parasite
How to decide on a divorce, if husband does not work, sits on his neck? Recommendations:
- Make sure that he is not suffering from mental illness. The loss of ability to work and complete loss of motivation is a common symptom of depression. Refusal to work on some specialties may be associated with any social phobia. In principle, many psychologists are inclined to believe that the very concept of "laziness" does not exist. There are reasons for everything, and often what we call laziness is a symptom of a mental disorder. If a person is helped, he will recover and go to work.
If a man does not work for years and all attempts to help him (shouting, accusations and devaluation of the state - this is not help) respond with refusal, aggression, divorce is really necessary.
- Remember that your choice is always decisive. If you see that the inaction of the husband is extremely negative for the family, and cannot accept it, you are free to make any choice, regardless of the state the man is in.
- Adequately assess the situation. How critical is it? What happens if nothing changes? If it is obvious that the family is not expecting anything good, file for a divorce. Such reflections will help you better understand that your decision is the right one.
Love is gone
How to decide on a divorce if I no longer love my husband? Tips:
- Specify for yourself what exactly you mean by the word "love". True and lasting love does not imply that a flame will burn continuously in your chest, causing you to revolve around your husband. Love should not be confused with passion and love. Analyze your feelings to make sure your decision is the right one: it will give you confidence. If you feel that you do not want to trust your husband, do not feel that you could live with him all his life, and understand that he is annoying, then you really need a divorce or a period during which you will rest from your husband.
- Your happiness should be more important to you than anyone else. This is not egoism, but common sense: in reality we only have our life, and it is important to get as much good from it as possible. It makes no sense to endure for decades a person who is unpleasant.
There is a joint child
I can not tune in to divorce with her husband, because have kids. Women with children decide to divorce is much more difficult than childless, especially if during the decrees they have lost some of their skills. They tend to be afraid not to cope, so they begin to postpone the divorce for later.
Tips:
- It is better to have one parent, but one with whom it will actually be good, than two with whom it is bad. Throw stereotypes that children need a father, somewhere. If he raises his hand to you, drinks, insults and humiliates, if you constantly quarrel with him (and the initiator of the quarrels is basically the husband), this is not the person your children need. If the above does not have much to do with your husband and he gets along well with the children, perhaps he and you will get a divorce, in which he will often see them.
This will allow you to start a new life, but at the same time children will be able to continue to communicate closely with their father.
- If you are afraid of not coping with the financial support of children, try to think carefully about your actions. Surely it makes sense to begin to implement plans before the divorce. If you do not have a job, try to find it, add a side job, see if you are doing well. Discuss your concerns with loved ones, if they offer help, agree. When there is support under your feet, it is much easier to decide on a divorce.
- In some cases, the father can take care of the children. Perhaps your children will not mind staying with their father after the divorce. If he earns well, he is not going to bar you from children and will be able to adequately support them, it makes sense. Situations are different: we do not always go away exclusively from bad people.
Recommendations of specialists to men
Wife - drinking and walking
How to decide on a divorce from a drinking and walking wife? Recommendations:
- Remember your unsuccessful attempts to correct her behavior. Surely you tried to do this, right? But the attempts were unsuccessful time after time, no matter how hard you tried.
In this case, the best solution is to accept the fact that you cannot change it and leave.
- If she really wanted to change, she would try. Most likely, it suits what is happening.
- Do not forget that it is you who make the decision. You have every right to make the decision that will improve your life. And since relationships with your wife hardly bring you a large amount of positive emotions now, you should not continue them.
Lover appeared
How can I decide to divorce my wife if I love another woman? Recommendations:
- If you feel warm feelings for your wife, then remember that you will most likely be able to support her and communicate with her after the divorce. Some difficult to decide on a divorce in this case precisely because of shame: it seems like the wife is not the worst, but feelings have appeared towards another woman. Shame will torment you a lot less if you become friends with your ex-wife or good buddies. This is possible. But it may take time.
- If the relationship on the side arose due to the fact that official relations are not satisfied with something, you should analyze them again and, after weighing everything, get a divorce.
Betrayal is a frequent sign that a marriage is falling apart. Accordingly, you have other good reasons for a divorce.
Spouse does not put you in anything
How to decide on a divorce from his wife, who does not appreciate and does not respect? Tips:
- If you think that you have something to appreciate and respect, then you have every right to be able to find the woman who will treat you better than the current wife.
- Think about your possibilities, imagine what will not be listen to accusations, insults, reproachesand remember this when you feel doubts.
Stops having children
How to tune in to a divorce with his wife, with one go two children? Recommendations:
- To make it easier to decide, think carefully how will you act if the children stay with his wife. Will there be a chance to see them? Maybe you want children to stay with you? Can you handle them? Discuss issues related to divorce with a lawyer to understand better how to proceed.
- If children definitely stay with their wife, it is important to think about how often will you see themhow much money you will allocate monthly.
This will help you feel confident that you can be a good enough father even from a distance.
Remember that you should build a peaceful relationship with your wife after a divorce, so that interaction with children is comfortable, and she did not try to prevent him.
The psychologist lists situations in which it is necessary to part with his chosen one:
