People who are repeatedly abandoned by their lovers, or those who have repeatedly parted on their own initiative, often worry about is everything okay with them and have they done everything they need.
The main mistakes in relationships are the inability to listen, accept, analyze a situation, discuss, trust.
If one or both partners not willing to take responsibility and maintain relationships, they either fall apart, or drag on, but will not bring anyone happiness and comfort.
What is the difference of views?
In society, strong is the idea that between men and women exists gulf of incredible depthsimilar to the Mariana Trench.
There are countless stereotypes associated with gender, you can encounter them everywhere: in articles in glossy magazines, in books, in films, in dialogues with people around you. And each of them only exacerbates the feeling that this difference is truly great.
The main problem of stereotypes is that they impersonate people surrounding each of us, forced to believe that some characteristics may be applicable to any person of a particular social group.
That all men love technology, that all women love sweets, that people who prefer to listen to heavy music, evil and cruel, and so on.
As a result, a person who trusts a stereotype will be guided by him, and not by logic, which says that judging someone without knowing him more closely is a simple matter.
This leads to a huge amount of materials that claim that they have a key to the hearts of men and women and they know exactly what they need. But it is only regular exploitation of stereotypes.
Therefore, it is impossible to say how exactly all the representatives of both sexes look at relationships. We are all unique, the development of each of us is influenced by a huge number of factors, and gender is only one of them, and not the most significant one.
But some points that can be taken into account when analyzing men and women exist. The following factors influence the behavior and character of women and men:
- Biological. The most strongly affected in this case are hormones: androgens in men (testosterone, androsterone, and others) and estrogens (estradiol, estrone, estriol). Despite the fact that male sex hormones are present in women, their concentration is low, and their manifestations can be seen in endocrine pathologies. Androgens, especially if they are produced more than necessary, affect the characteristics that are considered typically "masculine": aggression, increased sexual desire, the desire to achieve their own, and so on. Estrogens, on the contrary, do not favor aggression, they partially influence the appearance of softness, sensitivity in character. But it is important to remember that not only biological factors affect people.
- Social. In a society it is extremely strong desire to educate boys and girls in different ways. Boys must be resolute and courageous, girls - beautiful, docile and neat. The boy certainly needs a machine and a gun, and the girl needs a doll and a set of toy dishes, and nothing else.
Each person receives gender socialization, which will largely determine his behavior, decisions, aspirations.
In many ways, but not in everything: gender socialization is not the only thing that affects people.
Based on this, it is possible to draw some conclusions as to what men and women want from a relationship:
- Since men are affected by testosterone and male socialization, they are more often consider sex as an important element of relationships. Moreover, their physiology allows them to get more pleasure from intercourse.
- Men are more likely than women to like the idea that the beloved is theirs and is faithful.
- Practicality is usually inherent in men, so they will appreciate a woman. diligent and economicwhich cooks well.
- Society suppresses the empathic abilities of men, since it is believed that this is "not courageous." In contrast, women have a well-developed empathy, therefore, they are more inclined to empathy and often believe that the sensual side of the relationship is very important. They want to receive attention, be loved, understood, accepted.
However, all these are only general characteristics that cannot be applied to absolutely every person, since we are all different. Everyone has different conditions for development, environment, mentality. This should always be remembered.
Therefore, a girl or boyfriend who wants to find an answer to the question “What do women / men expect from relationships”, should ask his partner and draw conclusions based on the answer.
Why do not make up novels with girls?
Main reasons:
- You are not empathic, not sensual. Women's socialization affects the emergence of the desire to receive sensual pleasure, to find emotional support, to feel caring and love. They are important long conversations, compliments, kisses, hugs, the ability to talk about the problem and get encouragement and warmth is important, as all this helps them to feel dear and important. Because of their gender socialization, it is more difficult for boys to provide emotional support for girls, but it is important to learn this, because this ability will help to better understand not only women but also those around you as a whole, and give them what they want.
- Your character and habits were considered problematic. There are many features of character that can cause a break in relations: selfishness, excessive jealousy, aggressiveness, stupidity and insufficient intellectual development in general, callousness, imperiousness, and a craving for violence.
Too much love for alcohol can also affect a woman’s desire to end a relationship.
- Too high obsession with sex. In fact, not all women love sex enough to deal with it for any requirement of a man. If you systematically put pressure on a girl, pointed out to her that she “should and must”, did not take into account her wishes, this could cause a break. Sex should be mutual and pleasant to both, therefore it is necessary to look for a partner with a similar strength libido.
- Lack of desire to take the girl. Acceptance is one of the most important elements of a healthy love union that will be integral for many decades. It is important to be able to accept the partner’s shortcomings, seek compromises and show a willingness to provide support under almost any conditions. If a guy constantly puts pressure on a girl, trying to force her, for example, to grow hair, start listening to his favorite Russian rap and stop playing computer games, their union will not last long.
- Irresponsibility, unwillingness to discuss problems. If a man wants the relationship to be reliable and strong, he should be aware that they need to continuously work on them, and he and the chosen one in equal measure.
The main mistakes of men at the beginning of a relationship:
- increased demands;
- unwillingness to provide sensual support to the partner;
- too much jealousy;
- cold;
- unwillingness to work on shortcomings;
- desire inappropriate joke;
- unwillingness to take into account the needs and interests of the girl.
A young man who is trying to understand why girls leave him should analyze every single situation: usually the partner tries to explain before breaking the relationship what exactly does not suit him.
If several former partners told about the same problem, you should listen to this.
Why not luck with guys?
Main reasons:
- Your character, interests and habits were not to your liking. This is the classic reason for the gap: one or several characteristics of a chosen one turn out to be too problematic for another.
Such characteristics may be talkativeness, too much jealousy, an excessive desire to receive a large amount of attention (sometimes so pronounced that the partner is not physically able to satisfy it), selfishness, a craving for violence (in the case of women - to the psychological mainly), hysteria, scandal .
Some guys can quit a girl if she has bad habits (craving for alcohol, cigarettes, drugs) and she is not going to get rid of them.
- High obsession with the "man must" and other stereotypes. Not all men like when they are required to do something only on the basis of their gender, especially when it comes to, for example, the permanent maintenance of a non-working woman.
To these points, you can add a part of those that were discussed above: girls are also capable of being irresponsible, not ready to accept a partner and discuss problems.
The main mistakes of women at the beginning of a relationship:
- obsession;
- increased demands;
- unwillingness to work on their own shortcomings;
- the desire to get more at the expense of the wallet chosen;
- desire to talk a lot about yourself, while ignoring the needs of the partner.
Other causes of termination
There are causes of rupture, which almost no connection with the efforts and skills of partners. If there are such factors, the couple needs to put a lot of effort to overcome their influence, or to part.
- Mental diseases. It is extremely difficult for people with mental disorders to maintain healthy relationships. This is not their fault: the symptoms of diseases affect the character and behavior in the wrong way, and this can be eliminated only during the treatment process. If one person in a couple is sick, and the other has no slightest idea of mental illness and wants the partner to become “comfortable,” shows aggression, insults, the separation is inevitable.
- Differences in key objectives and worldview. Partners will learn about some facts (for example, unwillingness to have children) over time, and this often leads to a break in relations.
Family psychologists and psychotherapists can help the couple solve their internal problems.
How to avoid mistakes?
How to build relationships and avoid mistakes? Basic advice from psychologists:
- Discuss and talk more. At the beginning of a relationship, lovers seek to actively engage in sex and use classical courtship techniques (kisses, hugs, petting, gifts, compliments), they are not up to ordinary human conversations, during which you can not only find out what the elect loves, but what he doesn’t like, what it strives for, what life orientations it has, what it expects from relationships and how seriously it treats the concepts of “family”, “love”. Each conflict should be discussed, and the importance of such discussions should be discussed in advance.
- Learn to accept. This does not mean that you need to endure all the negative sides of the partner, gritting his teeth. Report your dissatisfaction, but in a constructive manner, not accusingly hysterical, and immediately offer compromises if you see that this is possible. And acceptance assumes that every person is imperfect, and in order for a long-term union to be possible, it is important to remember this. No need to adjust the chosen one for themselves, suppressing his individuality.
- Be aware of responsibility. If relationships are important to you and you want them to last a long time, you need to take responsibility for what is happening in them and make sure that the partner recognizes the need to do the same. Responsibility implies a willingness to accept, discuss, seek compromises, to understand that love is something to work on, and not something that should be good itself, without any investment.
- At the beginning of a relationship, try to learn more about the person and let him know you. Tell about yourself, ask questions, even the most tricky, ask for opinions on topics that are important to you, and in time you will have enough information that will allow you to make an impression about the personality of your loved one. If in the process of communication it turned out that you have different key goals and opinions, you should think about the advisability of continuing the relationship.
It is impossible to completely eliminate the probability of error: any social relationships are non-linear, therefore, it is impossible to choose an algorithm that will work for each situation.
And this is normal: no one can be perfect. Efforts should be made, but be aware that they may not be enough or that it was necessary to act completely differently. Do not reproach yourself and remember that even after several failures you can find the right person.
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