Why a person who often “gives others a hand” at a difficult moment is considered by many to be soft-bodied romantics, due to whom you can comfortably arrange your own life?
What to do if you think that people need help, if they need help, but at the same time do not want to look weak in other people's eyes?
What do we mean by kindness?
Kindness - this is not only the ability and desire to support someone in a difficult situation, but also a positive attitude, to which a person subconsciously seeks under any circumstances.
This does not mean that a kind person walks around the clock with a smile on his lips.
Some kind-hearted people may have a far from friendly face, but they have a big heart, as they sayand is able to give warmth to those who need support.
In other words, about kindness, we can say that these are various manifestations of the peculiarities of a human character, which possess truly moral qualities and are capable of sympathizing with others.
Kindness can manifest itself in the form of:
- Of actions. And not necessarily heroic. A heavy bag brought to the house of an elderly person, carrying the frog from the avenue to the nearest reservoir, calling an ambulance to a person and waiting for her to arrive when you yourself need to urgently run on urgent matters - this is also kindness.
- Participation and attention to the interlocutor. Sometimes even without verbal dialogue. After all, many people have no one to talk about personal without a subsequent series of complaints. That is why there is a syndrome of confession in front of a companion, when a person speaks about his sore neighbor in a compartment or seat in a vehicle.
- Warm words another in a difficult or critical moment.
- Desire to restrain negative emotions under any circumstances and in front of any people, and especially before those who are younger in age, professionalism, social or material status.
- Reasonable transfer of some values for those who have fewer of them for any reason.
For example, the part of the bun thrown to a homeless dog is for the latter a far greater value than the one hundred dollar bill left next to it.
- Patient moral and sometimes physical support someone on their way to mastering the skill.
- Assisting he who has previously caused hostility, but is currently in a difficult situation, needs help and, sometimes, does not even ask her because he feels guilty.
- Decorations of the world around them, support created at the expense of its resources.
Why are good people hard to live?
This happens if fate manages in such a way that philanthropists are surrounded only by mercantile personalities shamelessly exploiting him and not intending to leave a person the opportunity to spend resources on his personal tasks.
The life of such a kind fellow can be similar to the schedule of duty of the ambulance brigade.
I.e there are always sufferingbut there is no time to drink tea, relax and, figuratively, look out the window or do something for yourself.
And if in the case of doctors they have, at least, a salary, then philanthropists very often have only internal comfort from the feeling that they did the right thing at the behest of their hearts. But time itself, often, no. And resources too.
A person may suffer for his own responsiveness for the following reasons:
- Not able to refuse the execution of the request. And the ranks of the petitioners do not become smaller. And if you are not able to resist abuses on this basis, there is a risk of losing the opportunity to live your life.
- The peculiarity of character does not allow to remain indifferent to other people's problems, which is why there is no power left to solve your own.
- Good people often donate free time, some material values, hobbies and even relationships for the sake of the interests of other people.
- Those who have repeatedly received help from a particular person and decided that it is so predetermined from above, with time begin to consider the process of execution of their requests mandatory and even taken for granted. As a result, the “com” of responsibilities grows, and constantly agreeing to the offer of a friendly shoulder loses physical or mental, and sometimes all together.
- In case of refusal, a rare occurrence among good people, by the way, uninspired individuals may begin to show resentment and sadly surprised at the injustice of the world. Sometimes they even start persecuting the “impudent”, demonstrating the “best” qualities of the human character in general.
- In response to help, not everyone says even the usual thank you.. And although some of the good people do not ask for laudatory odes in their honor, verbal gratitude is expected by many on a subconscious level.
- Without good deeds, a person feels that he lives against his nature. and gets upset about it, blaming himself for callousness and selfishness.
- Relatives may not share philanthropy his good family and arrange him unpleasant executions for each individual case of help to someone about whom they became aware. Even in cases where they themselves do not suffer from the act in any way.
- It is not uncommon that, having repeatedly helped someone in the past, a person, having got into a difficult situation, learns that nobody wants to help him.
And this factor, sometimes, has a much greater negative effect than the resulting predicament.
Why do people not appreciate this quality?
Main reason: some individuals quickly forget that good deeds are not a mandatory action, but a manifestation of the purely will of the assistant, who decided that someone should and should substitute a hypothetical shoulder.
Besides:
- Subjects with a limited outlook and low intellect believe that they voluntarily help others, and people who have no real opportunity to defend their borders and property are sharing something. And faced with a good fellow marginal will definitely try to squeeze the first one to the maximum.
- The egoists believe that everyone owes them. And even help from outsiders is regarded by such subjects as a natural phenomenon.
- What is given without much difficulty ceases to be valued. This is a feature of the psyche of many people: to “forget” about the difficulties that someone had to overcome for the sake of helping those who asked for it.
- The result of the service provided is not the same as the one who asked for it.
Sometimes the reason is the inability of the assistant to do what was asked for, sometimes the essence of disappointment is the exaggerated demands of the sought participation.
- Having received the expected an individual can write an assistant to a list of wimps who can be “driven”. And automatically equate to people weak, not worthy of respect, but very convenient for others.
- For a number of people, someone’s help later becomes a punishment. - they are not able to be in the status of “pulled out of the swamp” without nervous tension, because they do not like to feel obliged to someone. And the more help, the stronger the growing discontent and, as a result, antipathy. No wonder there is a saying, the essence of which is: the more good someone is done, the more the helper hates him to receive.
Psychology tips
To whom belongs the quotation: “They take kindness for weakness, and rude behavior - as a demonstration of power.” What do those who want be kind but not weak?
Be prepared that for a long time it will be difficult for you to restrain yourself and not rush to the call of everyone who asks for help.
But learning to distinguish between empty requests and the voice of one who has fallen into real trouble is worth it. If only because for the salvation of the second there will be more time and energy.
- “No” is a very difficult word to pronounce, unless you value your personal time and other resources at all. Learn to speak it not only in front of the mirror, but also in everyday life. You are guaranteed to decrease the number of duties and there will be time for doing things that you personally are interested in.
- Assist only in cases where it is really important. Replacing a work colleague several times, because a partner or a child or relative is sick, is one thing. And it is completely different, to remain for an employee in the office several times a month because of his desire to lead an active personal life. Yes, having refused a request to an enterprising colleague a couple of times, you may lose his good location. But is that more important to you: self-esteem or flattering licking of a person who is interested only in gaining from you?
- Stop coming at the first callif there are suspicions that your kindness is used without a twinge of conscience. Of course, if a person with limited physical mobility regularly appeals to you regularly, then this is normal.
But if a healthy subject now and then asks for help, although he himself would have coped if he got tired, then the ears of “shameless exploitation” are already “visible”.
- Share anything with anyone just of your own free will.and not by coercion. If you take away by force, then do not be comforted by the deceptive thought of your kindness, but sign up immediately for courses on asserting your rights. To a psychologist or a sambo coach, decide according to circumstances.
- Honestly answer the question: Do you specifically look for unhappy people to help them escape from their gray reality or is everything in order in your life and you just generously share with those around you that fortune and the universe gives you full value? If the first is more likely, then first restore order in your life, which will only strengthen your potential and open up new horizons for philanthropy. And at the same time it will help to better determine by eye, who really needs help, and who is a simulator.
Beecher henry ward He said that often kindness for weakness is taken, and rude behavior - for a show of force. However, in his own words, the greatest dignity of the strong is to use his physical or spiritual superiority in the right key and direction.
It is said quite aptly, concisely and as expected from religious leader, well known in America in the nineteenth century.
And if a fire is burning in you, the heat of which is enough for many more, do not be afraid to share it. But try not to waste - on people who only seem to be in a difficult situation.
Why do good respond to evil:
