Many of us find it difficult to refuse other people in their constant requests. Even if satisfying these requests does not serve our interests, it creates the benefit of some other person and encourages the weaknesses and weaknesses of others. In this article I will tell how to learn to say no in response to all sorts of absurd requests regarding us.
It happens, the chief asks to stay at work for several hours without paying for overtime. Or the wife demands to buy her a tenth pair of shoes, which, in her opinion, is an urgent need. A friend has once again asked whether it is possible to borrow money, although he has not yet paid off previous debts.
Why is it difficult to refuse?
We can understand that these requests are unfair, and it would be correct to refuse them. But why can we not always do this and agree? Because of fear. Fear of deceiving someone's expectations or spoiling the relationship. What if the boss will be worse for you? And what if the wife is offended? What if our friend no longer calls us? I will deal with all these situations in the examples below. Based on these examples, I will explain why people sometimes have to be denied.
These examples do not cover all possible life situations, but they demonstrate the right way of thinking when you come across something similar and it’s hard for you to say no. Please read all these examples, even if you yourself do not meet with what is considered in them. From the examples I will derive general principles that will help you say no.
To get rid of fears, you need to realize that they, in fact, do not have a solid foundation. Fearing someone to hurt or worsen the relationship that drives your reluctance to say "no" does not always lead to your improving your social connections. At first glance it seems that if you never refuse anyone, people treat you better. Far from it.
What happens when we say yes?
Let's first think about what happens when we say yes.
Example “yes” №1
If you constantly agree to stay at work, you can not refuse your boss, when he dumps extra, extra work on you, then your manager will not treat you better as an independent person. It does not help you gain someone else's respect. The manager will understand that you agree to everything easily and can take advantage of this by exploiting you as an employee of free labor.
Maybe you will be awarded the "honorary" title of "employee of the year", but there will be no talk of any respect. You will be treated better only as a diligent worker, on whom you can shove everything, and he will be only too happy.
Imagine a person who will agree with you in everything, to satisfy any of your requests, like a real lackey. At whatever you say, he will answer “Yes!”, “Yes!” And nod his head meekly. Will you respect and love such a person? Maybe you will like his humility and pliability, but respect such a person does not cause you.
And now, remember your friends and loved ones. Surely many of them do not behave like lackeys: they may disagree with your opinion, argue with you and refuse you some foolish request. Does your respect for these people disappear from this? Not! On the contrary! Independence has always attracted people.
Respect is caused by those people who know how to defend their interests, to demonstrate firmness and independence. Excessive softness and inability to refuse anything give rise to some other feelings, but not respect or sincere sympathy.
Hardness does not exclude the possibility of compromise. All people somewhere have to sacrifice their interests and agree with what they do not want to accept. But independent natures do not seek by any means to satisfy any foreign request. They think about themselves, about their interests and about the interests of their family and do not turn their lives into serving other people's goals.
Example “yes” №2
Imagine that your wife or girl once again provokes you to waste money. If you are used to her constantly indulge in this desire, then this will not lead to anything good. Short gratitude associated with the euphoria of a new purchase after some time will be replaced by the desire to buy more. Each new purchase only annoys the desire to have more and more things. It is just weakness, whim and dependence.
When you encourage these weaknesses and shortcomings, they gain new strength. Dependence and desire are only intensified. It's like pampering a baby. A short flash of gratitude for a new purchase from the wife has nothing to do with love and respect, which you subconsciously fear to lose by depriving her of this purchase.
Does a drug addict have respect for his dealer for regularly supplying him with a dose? Not! I am sure that many spoiled ladies (or even husbands) perceive their spouses as dealers of pleasure, which is achieved by making purchases.
I do not want to say that you do not need to buy anything for your soulmate. Just in everything you need to know the measure - this is the golden rule. If we cease others to deny everything, then we begin to encourage other people's vices: greed, a desire to parasitize, a painful tendency to consume, spoiled. When we stop saying no, we make people worse!
Example “yes” №3
Your friend asks for money again. He promises to return, although he has not yet paid his past debts. Of course, there are many different situations. Perhaps monetary support is really necessary, and you need to try to help, even if you do not hope to see this money anymore ...
But it so happens that a person can get finances himself and he simply brazenly uses your kindness.
If so, then do not be afraid that you lose the respect of your friend. If you, for the umpteenth time, give him money, enlisting his empty promise, then encourage his parasitic, non-binding, irresponsible nature.
What happens when we answer no
In the examples I gave above, it was said about what would happen if you say "YES". We have concluded that in these situations, as in many other similar situations, the satisfaction of requests will not lead to the fact that you will be treated better. May happen the other way around. We do not say “no” in order not to worsen the attitude of other people towards us, although this can happen exactly when we say “yes” for the hundredth time. We can form a relation to us as a person, on whom one can parasitize, from which one can achieve any agreement.
If we always say "yes", then we encourage others' shortcomings and provoke their development.
But let us now think what will happen if what we fear most is going to happen, namely, say “no!”.
Example “no” №1
Suppose you decide not to take extra work and not to sit in the office until late. They said: “my working day is over, no, I can’t sit here for another 3 hours”. Of course, if you have taught your leadership to the fact that you love working for free, then such an answer may be a complete surprise to someone. Being late and staying up late at work is not normal, but when everyone is used to the fact that you are late, it becomes the norm in the eyes of other people.
Therefore, someone may be stunned by your refusal from additional work, if you have previously refused it. It’s best to immediately voice your attitude to free recycling in the new workplace, then you don’t teach anyone to stay up late. If you refuse immediately, it will be much better than if you do it later.
You will be firm and your employees will respect you more. Your boss will immediately think: “you cannot ride a horse on this man”. It is unlikely that you will be fired: you have the legal right to a normal working day. If they do it, it means that the company into which you were hired is bad because it violates legal human rights and exploits its employees. Moreover, you do not need to work in such a company.
If you have been working for a long time, and everyone is accustomed to your processing, it is better to prepare your superiors for refusing overtime so that this does not come as a big surprise. You will not spoil relations, you will simply demonstrate a desire to defend your legal rights. There is nothing wrong. If the company does not understand this desire, then it is their problem, not yours. Look for a job that does not exploit the free labor of their employees.
By saying no, you will return home on time and spend more time with your family.
Example “no” №2
What will happen if you do not buy your wife the next “gift” that she asks for? Let's think about it. There may be an insult from your passion. But an insult is a consequence of the fact that a person suddenly did not get what he wanted. If someone has offended you, it does not mean that you acted badly, it means that you did not meet someone’s expectations. And the expectations of another person in relation to you may be exaggerated and unreasonable. In this case, other people's expectations are other people's problems. You are not required to be responsible for them.
Resentment in this case has nothing to do with the loss of respect or love.
If you say no, you will demonstrate character and will. These qualities deserve respect, unlike spinelessness.
I do not preach greed towards others. Moreover, I believe that generosity is a manifestation of altruism and the moral strength of a person, and greed is a symptom of selfishness and weakness. Gifts need to give!
But if you notice that you are simply used to satisfy your own desires, and endless requests for you have exceeded all reasonable limits, then it is time to think about saying no.
If you say no, then it will help you defend your independence and the right not to be a puppet in the hands of others. If you refuse, then nothing terrible will happen. Resentment will pass, and the experience learned from this situation, perhaps, will teach your passion better to restrain their consumer impulses. In addition, you will save money.
Unfortunately, it is possible that refusal to make a purchase will provoke a scandal. But will you sacrifice your own right to make decisions only because of the fear of scandal? Maybe you are afraid that they will leave you? But can a loving person break up with you because of some expensive knickknacks? I do not think so. And if it did happen, it means that this person did not deserve to be with you.
Example “no” №3
You answered your friend that you could not lend him money. He comes with this request to you once again and every time promises to return everything, but does not fulfill his promises. It is evident that he uses you. Therefore, you decided to refuse or not to lend money until it settles with past debts.
If your friend is an intelligent person, he will understand everything perfectly. If he sincerely believes that he must all be given money, then these are his problems. If you do not live up to this expectation, then you should not be responsible for it. It's all about your friend's high expectations for you, not for yourself!
Most likely, after your refusal, your friend will not make such requests to you soon. Again, your no will not have the terrible consequences that you were so afraid of.
Think "what will it cost me?"
If it’s hard for you to say no, then instead of giving in to the fear of being misunderstood, think calmly about what happens if you say yes and what happens if you say no. Will your fears come true when you refuse someone?
But, sometimes in life it is not so simple, as in those abstract situations that I described above. In my examples, people use your kindness and reliability, wanting to parasitize on you. It is easy to refuse to those who simply take advantage of you.
But what if the person who asks something from you is not guided by such low impulses? Then refuse is not so simple. What if your grandfather, who lives far away, asks to visit him every weekend, and it's hard for you to do this for a number of reasons? Or your friend wants to borrow money from you, but he does it for the first time, and it is known that he returns his debts. True, this is a large amount, having lost that even for a while, you will begin to have difficulties.
In such situations, you need to think about others, but do not forget about their interests. If you are thinking of agreeing, then try to speculate on how much this agreement will cost you.
If you visit your elderly relative every weekend, then you will spend less time with your children. You may not have a lot of free time. It is clear that it is more pleasant for grandfather to see us as often as possible, but you can never completely please everyone and at the same time not run your business.
If you give a friend money, then solve some of his problems, but at the same time, you will not be able to pay off your bills, since you will have less money.
Of course, we want to help other people, but, at the same time, we should not forget about ourselves. In both of these situations, it’s better to think about compromise than about a categorical "no" or a categorical "yes." Here you will need to show delicacy and a wise life approach.
You can talk with your grandfather and explain to him that it is hard for you to come once a week and you will visit him once a month. You can borrow a smaller amount to a friend, saying that you do not have more money now. And with the search for the remaining part of the amount, you will help him: contact your friends.
Always think about what the next “yes” will cost you. If this is too expensive for you, then look for another way out in this situation, besides agreement. Your life experience and social skills will help you with this.
Don't underestimate other people.
No need to think that every person will keep the evil on you when you cannot satisfy his desires. Reasonable people can understand what your consent can cost you. Such people respect your interests.
For example, when I offer one of my friends to meet, they can answer me: “Of course I can, but today I’m uncomfortable, I would like to sit at home ...” I understand, it is not necessary for me to explain something. ”
Of course, I wanted to meet a man, but what if he does not have the opportunity to do this? I respect his wishes and interests and therefore I will not be offended.
In reverse situations, when I have to deny my friends something, I immediately put myself in their place. I know that they are reasonable people and they understand me and my desires and, therefore, will not be offended at me.
Unfortunately, not everyone can always show understanding in relation to another. To all we are subject to egoism, to one degree or another. It is not necessary to encourage this quality in others, in a hurry to satisfy other people's egoistic requests. If some people do not respect your desires, then why should you respond to their requests?
And remember:
You will not please everyone!
It is impossible for everyone to like! You can never deny anything to anyone and at the same time maintain your independence and your interests. It is difficult to meet all the expectations of others: there will always be someone who will be unhappy with you, at least in something. And that's fine. Your father wants you to become an engineer like him, and you see yourself only as a free entrepreneur. Your husband wants you to cook him a meal every day, although you spend as much time at work as he does. Your children are waiting for you to buy new toys for them every day, but this is impossible.
You have your own life, your life, your views on this life and your freedom. You live for yourself, not to meet other people's expectations. Until the end of your years, you are not obliged to appease the egoism of your own father, husband, wife, boss or state, ignoring your own goals and desires. If someone cannot forgive you for becoming a doctor, not a pilot, then these are his problems, not yours.
These are problems of alien prejudices, egoism, expectations. It is not your fault that the other person cannot become more flexible and understand you. Do not always be responsible for other cockroaches, for other people's beliefs!
The fear of saying no is a fear of not meeting someone’s expectations. This does not always mean that you are afraid to answer “no” to someone’s request. This may mean that you are afraid to fool someone’s plans, interests, even if no one asks you directly.
For example, your friends tell you that you do not spend enough time with them. But you have other things to do, you think that it’s right to devote more time to family than to friends.
If you think something is right, then do it without looking to others. Try to explain to your friends about how busy you are with your family. If they do not understand - let them. No need to lament over this, try to convince friends, insisting that they are right. Live as they lived. Невозможно всегда и перед всеми оставаться правым.
Если люди никак не хотят вас понять, то тут уже ничего не поделаешь. Такова жизнь, в ней нужно выбирать, живете вы для себя или стремитесь отвечать чужим ожиданиям. Компромисс возможен, но не всегда. Поэтому имейте мужество мириться с чужой обидой, чужим непониманием, если хотите жить своей жизнью. Это будет всегда, и от этого никуда не деться.
