Growing up children, and sometimes teenagers, the question arises how to improve relations with mom.
In one family different characters intersect, and it may happen that goals and values do not coincide.
The child will always strive to resist, get freedom, but some mothers continue to control children who have already grown up.
Concept and Psychology
What is a complex relationship?
Quarrels occur in every family, but they usually have a substantive character, and sooner or later people reach a compromise.
If conflicts happen all the time, parents and children do not understand each other, do not make concessions, then we can already speak about the presence of complex relationships.
There are several problem options.:
- the mother seeks to completely subjugate the child and control every step;
- the mother does not pay enough attention to the child, she shows coldness, irritation, aggression, constantly criticizes, dissatisfied with the behavior of her son or daughter. All this translates into constant tension within the family, endless conflicts.
A bad relationship between a child and a parent also influences his future life. Children who are not loved, can not in an adult able to create a happy family.
Those whom constantly criticized and humiliated, have low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, problems with the establishment of personal contacts, lack of achievements.
Terrible relationships can begin in adolescence and continue to the end of life.
However, if you want them can be adjusted.
Ideally, both parties should be ready to make contact, but the child himself is able to have a little influence on this.
With adult daughter
A mother with low self-esteem is afraid of her age. She worries about the fact that the body no longer has the necessary tone, signs of aging appear.
A mature daughter in this case is an extra reminder of age.
Many factors influence the development of a mother-daughter relationship.
- Birth. Pregnancy and the first stage in the life of a baby are important periods, and often they leave an imprint on how the mother will continue to relate to the child. Whether the pregnancy was planned, postpartum depression was not manifested, how difficult the first months of the baby’s life turned out to be - all these factors matter.
- Physiology. The daughter grows up, prettier, men begin to pay attention to her, while the mother gradually approaches her old age and loses her natural beauty.
- Special features nature and personality of the child. Parents have certain expectations about their children. They want to see them smart, obedient, endowed with specific personality traits, attitudes and values. But children often go on their own, individual, path of development. If the parents disagree and continue to insist, it can cause conflicts.
- The birth of grandchildren. Not all women calmly survive this period. The appearance of grandchildren is an indicator of age. But this is largely due to the peculiarities of a person’s character, his ability to accept himself, to adapt to the changing conditions of reality.
The daughter-mother relationship goes through the following stages:
- Symbiosis. A small child depends on the mother, he seeks for her, needs care, warmth and positive emotions. Problems arise if the mother rejects her child and does not know how to love.
Hanging at this stage leads to the fact that all her life the daughter tries to please her and prove that she is worthy of parental love.
- Disagreement. The teenager is already striving to prove his independence, the right to his own opinion. But parents may not agree with this. Instead of understanding the child, they put it in a rigid framework. In this stage, a person must learn to be independent, break away from parental care. If you hang in this period, then a person will prove his independence all his life.
- Independence. The daughter begins a full independent life. Parents will have to accept it. In this period, children often leave far, sometimes for a while they stop communicating altogether.
- Thanks. The stage is achieved when all stages are completed. One feels gratitude to parents, respect for them, intimacy with mother again appears. It is believed that each stage takes about seven years, that is, by the year 21, a state of gratitude can be achieved. However, in practice this does not happen to everyone.
With an adult son
The relationship between the son and the mother is slightly different from those between her and the daughter. Adult son is already a man, able to decide on their own and be responsible for their family.
With improper upbringing, the boy’s dependence on the mother arises, which negatively affects his development, the creation of a family, the relationship with the opposite sex.
If a mother does not want to let an adult son go, this becomes a problem for both parties. The boy can leave homewanting to avoid pressure. He may begin to resist as a teenager.
A mother needs to accept the fact that her child has grown up and leads a separate life from her.
It is not easy, and having become mother-in-law, she can break into a new family.
If a man is not able to set personal boundaries, in some cases it is fraught with even the destruction of the union.
There are cases when a man totally addicted emotionally to your mother, continues to old age to live with her, without starting a family.
Of course, a mother is needed at any age, but the older a person is, the less her influence is. She is a wise advisor, support, but not a leader. And this fact is important to recognize her and her son.
The ideal option, according to one of the proverbs, is “feed, learn and release.” Unfortunately, not many parents understand this and continue to take care of their long-grown son.
The relationship of mother and adult male - this is the line between emotional attachment, guardianship and the ability to give an opportunity to live independently.
Causes of difficulties
Conflicts between an adult daughter or son and mother may occur for the following reasons:
- mismatch with expectations;
- wrong from the point of view of the mother's behavior of the daughter;
- lack of emotional attachment;
- lack of mutual trust;
- parents did not instill respect for adults in children;
- the mother climbs into the life of her daughter, considering her opinion as the only true one, not letting an adult woman decide for herself how to act in life situations;
- totalitarian nature of the mother.
What to do?
Relationship with the mother does not get along, it becomes a cause of constant stress.
What to do in this case:
- reconcile, you grew up, mom has her established attitudes that you cannot influence;
- keep communication to a minimum. It is likely that having lost the communication, the mother herself will go to the contact and the world;
- find a compromise solution that suits both;
- sit at the negotiating table, expressing what you want from each other. Mom must understand that you are an independent and full-fledged personality with your views;
The conversation should be conducted in a relaxed manner, without transition to personalities and reproaches.
- if you live in the same apartment, then try to find a separate accommodation, even if it is rented, this will allow you to get personal space and to communicate less often;
- joint activity unites - help your mother in the country, go together to the theater, to the exhibition, to the shops, while it is desirable to limit the time.
Psychology tips
An important part of establishing any relationship - Adoption. You admit that another person has a set of individual qualities, properties of character.
You understand that in adulthood it is quite difficult to change your habits, therefore a reasonable solution is to find a compromise and points of contact.
- Thanks. Regardless of the relationship you have, mother is the person who gave you the opportunity to be born. He cared for you the first years of life, did not sleep at night, worried when you were sick. Gratitude is an inner feeling that allows you to get closer to harmony. You can express it out loud or leave gratitude inside you, but even her small beginnings will help to take a fresh look at your relationship with your mother.
- Adoption. Realize that every person is a person. Accept - it does not mean to accept, you just admit the fact that the person is what he is, and has every right to do so.
- Take a step towards change. When two people stand their ground, it is quite difficult to find a compromise solution. Try to stop the conflict first.
- Dialogue. Any disagreements are solved by talking. Imagine that you are in business negotiations. There is no place for emotions, but only the desire to find the most advantageous solution for both parties.
- Independence. Learn to be independent of parents. This is quite difficult when there is a persistent emotional dependence.
If an adult cannot distance himself from his mother, the help of a competent psychologist may be required.
Conversations allow you to get to know yourself better, to reach your potential and learn how to communicate with relatives correctly.
The relationship between mother and children goes through many stages, and only on both sides depends how much they will eventually be harmonious.
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