The mention of conflict leaves a double impression. On the one hand, we try to avoid it. On the other hand, we enthusiastically watch talk shows that use all known types of conflicts to increase the rating. Perhaps the point is not disagreement, but involvement. If you learn to approach this situation wisely, you can earn not only a nervous tic, but also some benefits. Perhaps even material.
Are you frightened by bitterness during disagreements? Are you afraid of losing your relationship? Get out of the showdown and scold yourself? Want to learn how to clash correctly? Then these 6 tips are for you.
Tip 1. Learn to distinguish between conflict and conflicting interests.
Many confuse conflict and quarrel, avoid it and fear it. Difference of interests, contradictions, collisions of needs - these are not yet conflicts. For example, if strangers argue in transport about an open window - this is a difference of interests. But when the air temperature of an office air conditioner provokes controversy, a showdown is already a conflict. Clash of interests is the beginning. If you do not give it attention at the initial stage, it becomes a conflict.
What gives an understanding of the contradiction of interests?
- The ability to put yourself in the place of another person and understand why it is so important to him.
- The opportunity to explain my point of view is not from the position of “I am right”, but from the position “why it is so important for me.”
How to distinguish the difference of interests from a conflict situation? Track your emotions. After all, the conflict begins where a person experiences emotional stress and behaves inadequately with respect to the situation. Often this behavior is provoked by past experience.
Tip 2. Stop relying on past bad experiences
The memory of the unpleasant situations is recorded in a special way. They are not remembered as dry facts, they are emotionally colored and attached to a particular image. For example: a person lived in difficult times of total deficit and formed in his head a collective image of a boorish saleswoman. Today, this man meets a woman who looks like an established image. What is he subconsciously waiting for? Rudeness, impolite attitude. And even the most harmless remark from her side will respond aggressively. Because it communicates not with a person, but with his own idea of him.
Human the brain is sothat more eagerly records bad memories on the subcortex. Past bad experience does not just poison our lives. He corrects our relationship today. Therefore, it should be clearly distinguished when we speak with a person, and when we communicate with "people from the past."
Tip 3. Develop effective tactics for different types of conflict
Each of us has strategies of behavior in conflict situations that have been polished over the years. Often we bring them from childhood. The simplest example: the child asks, the mother does not allow, the child falls to the ground, cries, receives. The scheme is fixed in the subconscious: if you want to get it, you need to be capricious.
Of course, over time, he will literally stop falling to the floor, but he will defend his interests in a similar way. And he will receive what he wants, while others will act like his mother - to avoid loud conflict and to yield. But sooner or later, a person will be in front of such an opponent, who cannot be penetrated by shouts and behavior from the position of a capricious child. Then - stupor. After all, otherwise he does not know how to behave. This situation becomes the starting point for understanding the psychology of conflict and developing a new behavior in an unfamiliar situation.
Different types of conflicts require different approaches.. In one it is worth behaving rigidly, acting as a parent. In the other - pokapriznichat, portraying a small child (these strategies, by the way, are more often used by women). The role of an adult gives more flexibility, because you can choose - in which situation to fight, and in which - to give in elegantly.
Tip 4. Losing is not losing
The ancient philosophers formed an interesting idea: "it is not the conflicts themselves that frighten people, but what the people (participants) themselves think of them." People need to be right, to win even in the most insignificant situation. But you can win in different ways. For example - not to fight "to the last blood", but to give in to the opponent.
But to go on this step should be consciously. And the first thing that needs to be done is to clearly explain to oneself: "why am I going for it? " and "What will I have from this? " Such an analysis of the situation is an inner work from the position of a mature person. Yielding you will not feel like a loser. But it should be remembered: when a person calls himself non-conflict, constantly gives in, he has a feeling of infringing upon his own interests. On the one hand, health and relationships remain. On the other hand, a feeling of dissatisfaction accumulates in the soul.
Yield also need to be able to wisely. After all, behavior in a conflict situation depends only on the level of intelligence and the readiness of opponents to resolve the situation. If avoiding a dispute happens too often, cause irritation, painful memories, you should understand yourself. And ask: what can I do to next time not to hide, and elegantly win the argument?
Tip 5. Understand that not all conflicts are resolvable.
Opposite parties see and assess the situation differently. And this difference is aggravated over time, alienating opponents from each other. The protracted conflict has 2 stages: the struggle and dialogue. As long as the parties are focused only on the fight, the situation will not be solved. Even if disputes are resolved in court.
An insoluble conflict situation has clear signs:
- It develops until the parties "let off steam".
- One or both opponents do not have the skills to manage the conflict and concentrate all their energy not on the situation, but on the personal rejection of the partner.
- Conflict is a person’s lifestyle. So live, for example, creative people.
The solution exists in conflict situations that prevent the parties to live. As soon as opponents realize this, they begin to look for ways of reconciliation, coordination. Up to this point, the parties should temporarily disperse or ask for help from a third party.
Tip 6. Sometimes it is worth calling for help "third party"
Sometimes conflicts last so long that many people forget the original source of an unpleasant situation. Litigation lasts for years, but not a single court decision like the participants. In jurisprudence there is such a concept - the arbitrator. This is a person who does not participate in the dispute itself, but is interested in its resolution. In work, family or personal conflicts, mediators between the parties play the role of arbitrators. The mediator or mediator is not looking for who is right and who is to blame for the dispute. He helps opponents understand what they really want, helps to move from an endless discussion of conflict to finding a solution.
What does the presence of a mediator in a dispute? Assessment from the side. Sometimes the conflict participants are so sucked in by a kind of swamp that they are not able to remember: because of what, in fact, they began to clash. Sometimes opponents themselves begin to propose solutions to the conflict.
How to learn to distinguish between different types of conflicts and not get hung up on the situation itself? Instead of constantly running away from unpleasant situations, you can honestly talk to yourself not as with a frightened child, but as with an adult. Then, even in the most protracted conflict situation, it will turn out to find not so much the ways to resolve it, so much development for oneself.
