Why did the relationship with my husband turn bad after the baby was born?

WITH crisis after childbirth almost all couples collide, even those who are well aware of how serious a step has been taken, and have all been discussed many times previously.

Practicing psychologists regularly encounter women who are alarmed by the fact that after the birth of a child the relationship with her husband deteriorated and who are seeking to find a way out of this situation.

Causes of crisis

The crisis in psychology is a kind critical periodwhich makes a person change, adjust the system of life values and personality so that they meet the new conditions.

There are a number of natural crisis periods in a person’s life, and their greatest concentration is observed in the first twenty years of life: in a year, in three years, in seven years, in adolescence and in seventeen years.

However, there are a number of crisis periods that not tied to any age and closely related to what happens in a person’s life. One of these crises is the period after the birth of a child. Both a man and a woman are involved in it.

Causes of crisis after childbirth:

The need to devote a large amount of time to the baby. Many women know that taking care of a small child is not easy.
However, most of them, having given birth, eventually realized that all their ideas about leaving were not accurate enough.
Yes, there are kids with whom it is quite simple, but in most cases raising a baby is an extremely difficult task, taking up almost all the free time and at the same time requiring the investment of a considerable amount of money. The mother plunges headlong into taking care of the newborn and is deprived of the opportunity (and often the desire, since she is too tired) to devote the amount of time that a man had before the birth of the child.

Discontent men. Since in Russian society childcare is considered exclusively a woman's business, the baby after birth remains completely on the mother. At the same time, a man is either not involved in care, or occasionally cares for a short time (considering it almost a royal gift), therefore, it is rather difficult for him to assess the level of difficulties that fell on a woman. He leads his usual life: goes to work, communicates with friends, except that he experiences discomfort from the periodic nightly screams of a baby. But he clearly understands that now he is not in the priority of his beloved woman. Against this background, there are scandals.
The effect of hormones on the mood of the mother. Hormonal activity during pregnancy, and especially in the first few weeks after birth, greatly affects the mental health of the mother.
Many women who have stepped over this stage remember that they behaved frankly inadequate, and their mood was extremely uneven. To control yourself at this time is extremely difficult.
Later, it passes, but the woman’s behavior at the peak of hormone activity could affect the attitude of the man towards her, especially if he is touchy, not familiar with biology and poorly understands that living together involves accepting the negative characteristics of a partner that are not dependent on him.
Detachment from the life that the woman led earlier. The urban infrastructure is poorly adapted for moving a woman with a stroller, so many women, having given birth to a child, are forced to stay at home, occasionally choosing the courtyard or the neighboring park, if there is one. Often there is no one to leave the child, so the woman is with him continuously, can not go for a walk without him, go to the clinic, meet with her friends, even take time for herself. Because of this, her mood deteriorates, she feels lost.

Changes in the appearance of women. After childbirth, noticeable stretch marks remain on the bodies of women, cesarean section scars, many of them gaining extra weight amid hormonal jumps, which is not so easy to lose, especially if the whole life of the woman who gave birth rotates around the infant. A man, watching a disheveled, nervous, replete woman, may feel that his attitude towards her is changing.
Difficulties in the organization of life. Only in articles in glossy magazines, a woman even copes with everything after birth, and even looks like a Hollywood actress. But life is not like that at all.
If, before the birth of the baby, the woman did a pretty good job with life, then after that most of her time is devoted to the baby.
As a result, the man, noting that the apartment no longer shines from cleanliness, and homemade food is not always present, begins to express discontent (usually without trying to help).
Heavy labor. The process of natural childbirth is extremely painful and sometimes drags on for ten or more hours. Various complications during pregnancy and childbirth can also significantly undermine a woman’s health. Therefore, many births retain mental trauma associated with pain. Even with a fairly quick and devoid of complications childbirth can get it.
Changes in sexual life, until its complete disappearance. In the first weeks (or even months) after childbirth, especially if they were severe, the woman needs to recover, and usually she is not up for sex.
Also, after childbirth, a decrease in the sensitivity of the genitals can be observed. And if a woman has developed postpartum depression, her sexual interest can completely subside. If a man has a strong libido, prolonged abstinence may cause him to be irritable or decide to commit adultery.
Postpartum depression. Approximately 10–15% of women giving birth experience postpartum depression. Its occurrence is associated with all the reasons listed above: with the isolation from life that a woman led before, hormonal changes, deterioration of appearance, cold attitude of a partner, psychotrauma due to childbirth, the need to completely devote himself to the baby. Also, if violence is widespread in the family, the likelihood of developing postpartum depression increases significantly.
Death of a newborn or birth of a child with serious health problems. This is an ordeal for any pair. Many men, in principle, tend to leave the family in which the sick child is growing up.

To overcome this crisis and not part, partners should be as frank and attentive as possible to each other.

This will help them to reconsider their views on the world and find compromises.

Why did a man cool down?

Why have relations with my husband deteriorated after the birth of a child? For a woman to answer this question, it is important for her:

Calm down, think about what is happening and figure out what could lead to this. Did you gain weight? How has your character changed after giving birth? Does the child take most of the strength? Was it harder for you to pay attention to your husband and have sex with him? Faced with the realization that a loved one is moving away, it is important not to start panicking. When you have analyzed what is happening, think about what you can change for the better, based on your strength and capabilities.
Frankly talk to her husband. Maybe, in fact, he does not move away at all, just your perception is distorted by depression or the influence of hormones. During the dialogue with him, keep calm, be polite and friendly, show him that there is no hidden aggression in your questions.

You should also remember that pleasing your husband to the detriment of yourself is not worth it: if you only have enough strength to take care of the child and household activities, it is not the best way to climb out of their skin trying to combine ten cases.

This can lead to a nervous breakdown and various mental illnesses. take care of yourself.

What if he became a stranger?

Why did the husband after birth become a stranger and conflicts began? If a woman has noticed that her partner is far away from her, it is important for her:

Calm down. Panic and despair, which could overwhelm her at this moment, will not help solve the problem. You should drink a glass of water, sit comfortably for a while, take a sedative (for example, a couple of Valerian tablets) and, if possible, do something else that brings calm and improves thinking.
Talk to her husband. Conversation should begin when a woman feels relatively calm and is sure that she will not fall into hysterics and aggression. Ask him all the questions that concern you, and offer to discuss the situation in order to find compromises on each issue. Tell him that you are exactly able to change at the moment and you cannot cope with anything. If something you can not do, try to argue it and propose a solution. For example, “I cannot find time for physical exercises because of the abundance of cases. If you agree to periodically sit with the child and help with domestic issues, I will have free time and I will do some training. ” Remind your husband that you were united before the pregnancy and the birth of the baby, and tell me that later, when the child is older, the difficulties will not be so pronounced.
Be sure to try to do what you promised, so that your words are not an empty sound.
Speak about quarrels not in the context of “you are guilty”, but in the format “I feel bad when we quarrel”. To blame each other is old-fashioned matrimonial entertainment, which, unfortunately, does not at all help improve relationships. The context solves a lot: it’s important to talk about your own discomfort and how it affects relationships, not blame.
Invite your husband to spend time together more often. Perhaps the parents of the husband or wife will agree to sit with their grandson or granddaughter, and then the spouses will be able to devote several hours to each other: take a walk around the city, visit a restaurant, cinema, talk about something that is precious to them, discuss the future. Also, in order not to disturb the grandmothers, you can invite a temporary nanny. Common thing can be and care for the baby.

Also remember that man it may take time to rethink the situation.

Unlike you, he is rather weakly in contact with the child and did not bear him.

The only thing he sees for sure is that much has changed for the worse. Most men have conscious warm feelings for childrenwhen they have grown up.

How to overcome hatred for her husband?

In the first few months after birth, hormones largely determine how the mother feels and behaves. Appearance unfounded hatred of her husband - A common feature during this period.

Usually negative feelings disappear, when hormonal levels stabilize. Therefore, if you feel an inexplicable hatred and very poorly control yourself, this is probably the effect of hormones. If possible, try to explain to your husband about this feature and just wait.

More serious is the situation when hate is definitely has a foundation. For example, the husband does not fulfill any obligations to care for the child, often irritated, screaming, and even resorting to violence.

If attempts to calmly talk to him and offer to find a compromise did not lead to anything, you should wait some time and, after weighing everything properly, file for divorce.

Wherein, if a man is violent, especially physical, and did it earlier, it is not necessary to pull with a divorce.

Spouse left the family: how to live on?

Advice to the woman from whom the husband left:

Look for props in the form of friends, relatives. If someone close to you is ready to help you, use this. At the same time, do not take help as a matter of course, be grateful, polite, and offer all possible assistance in return.
If you feel that your mental state is seriously aggravated, contact your psychotherapist. In a single-woman family, there is not always money for a paid psychotherapist, so you can try to find something for free: there are usually such specialists in big cities.
You can also contact the mental hospital, look for communities that help single women.
Working at home and at the same time taking care of the baby can be difficult, but if you feel you can do it, try to find a part-time job. On the Internet there are many opportunities to earn a person who has valuable knowledge and developed skills.

Also worth hold tight to close friends, communicate more with them.

Worse relationship with his wife: the advice of psychologists

Tips for psychologists man:

Talk to her about what is happening in a comfortable setting. In the process of conversation, keep calm, do not break into aggression. Ask what you can do to make her life easier. Ask clarifying questions.
Remember that it can manage hormones. Be patient: during this period it is really very difficult for her to sensibly assess what is happening and control herself.

Take care of her, be careful. Make presents, kiss, hug, show that you have not moved away from her, still feel love and are ready to do everything possible so that there is peace and quiet in the family.
Throw out the stereotype that children are exclusively female. A born baby made you a father, and you are as responsible for him as much as a mother.
Learn how to change diapers and do a number of other important matters related to the child, smile to him, take care of him, sit more often with him, giving his wife the opportunity to relax, walk, meet friends, and do self-development.
Give more time to life. Learn to cook, clean at least once or twice a week - and your wife will be grateful to you.

So that the crisis was shorter, and the parents quarreled less and understood better why they decided to give birth to a baby, it is important to lay straws before birth: discuss the future with each other, look sensibly at the process of taking care of the baby, remember that this is not something light and fun.

Discuss how you will act in certain situations. These conversations will help build mutual understanding in the future.

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