Today I will tell you how to tolerate the people you hate, that annoy you. Often we are surrounded by people whose societies we cannot avoid. Then we have to put up with their qualities that annoy us. It happens that friends, wives or husbands, the people closest to us have flaws that are difficult to tolerate.
On the one hand, we love these people and we want their societies, but, on the other hand, they often behave as we do not like. How to cope with your irritation about someone else's behavior, other people's shortcomings? This will be discussed in this article.
When should we not tolerate?
I must say at once that I am not going to help you become opportunists who will tolerate any circumstances and any people without trying to change anything. Still, in some situations it is necessary to solve the problem, and not to look for ways to kill the bitterness and irritation associated with the behavior of people.
If the situation can be corrected, then it needs to be corrected. If your colleague is constantly rude to you, it is better to talk to him about this instead of silently enduring. If your husband offends you, then you need to try to influence him, to change his behavior, or, as a last resort, to terminate the relationship by setting your ultimatum. After all, you live with this person for many years, will not you endure what is difficult to endure?
But, unfortunately, we can not influence everything, and we have to endure some things. For example, these are some of the shortcomings of our friends, whose presence does not create a big problem, but sometimes annoys us. This boorish, unfriendly behavior of strangers on the street. These are the annoying habits of your co-workers, habits that they are not going to get rid of.
But it also happens that the problem is not only in other people, but also in you. For example, your colleague annoys only you and no one else, simply because you disliked him or envied him, or were too irritable, or didn’t see anything in him but his faults, or you always have a bad mood.
It happens that it is better to solve a problem than to endure it. But, sometimes, the right way out is to show tolerance towards people. In some cases, we have to change our attitude towards people in order to change irritation and anger for tolerance and benevolence.
But, in any case, in those situations where it is impossible to solve the problem, it is better to experience positive emotions or, at least not to experience negative emotions, than to get angry and annoyed. Negative emotions consume your moral strength, constrain and limit your mind.
And if you cannot change some people or avoid their society, then it is better to learn not to spoil your mood with their presence and their behavior, learn to tolerate them. It is better to remain joyful and imperturbable, than angry and angry because of other people's problems.
Next, I will provide methods to help you achieve this.
Think of people as trials.
I will tell about this method in the first place, as it helps me a lot. When I feel irritated about someone's actions, I immediately begin to think of people as trials, how to learn something, develop my abilities and get rid of shortcomings.
If you have to meet with a person who puts you out of yourself, use this as an excuse to learn to control your own anger. After all, you cannot learn this when you do not feel this anger!
Use communication with your friend who earns a lot more than you and allows himself such expenses that you don’t even think about as a way to cope with your envy.
If contacts with some people cause only the desire in you to face them in a heated argument, then try to extract from these meetings only a positive experience of self-control and tolerance towards the opinions of others.
Instead of getting carried away with your feelings of anger and irritation, try to analyze them, recognize and prevent them. Let meetings with other people become for you training of your opportunities!
Remember, often the source of your emotions are not other people, but you yourself. Negative feelings appear in you not only because the other person is bad and behaves in an inappropriate way, but also because it is you who allow him to drive you out of yourself. It is not entirely correct to say that someone is angry at you with his actions. You yourself are angry in response to someone else's actions! Only you are responsible for your emotions. (But this does not mean that you must tolerate the actions of each person. The problem is not always always only in you, as I wrote above.)
And you can control these emotions.
Therefore, when you meet people with whom you feel anger, jealousy, indignation, you actually encounter your inner “demons”.
These "demons" can not be defeated without meeting with them.
If you perceive unpleasant people as trials that life sends you, giving you a chance to become better, then it will be easier to try your patience for such people. After all, you will see in such meetings not just another reason for frustration, but a chance to work on yourself, correct your own shortcomings, a chance for yourself, and not for someone else!
And it will fill you with will and motivation for tolerance.
Be sincere
Nothing exacerbates friction between people like secrecy, closeness in conditions of mutual tension. If possible, try to bring to the joint discussion the problem of misunderstanding between each other. Hints and actions on the sly you will never achieve what you can achieve a sincere and constructive conversation.
Of course, such a conversation is not always possible due to social constraints. With many people you can not talk heart to heart.
But with loved ones this is possible. Try to be open and direct with them and talk about what you do not like. Just be calm. Such a conversation will not only help to reach agreement, but it will also soften the heated emotional environment, as it will allow you to tell what was bothering you. Share with each other your concerns. Understand the causes of misunderstanding.
In your imagination you can think of a person as badly as you like. But, having talked to him, you can often find that his personality does not correspond at all to your ideas.
Open dialogue will help two people understand each other. Speaking of understanding ...
Try to understand other people.
If you try to understand the actions of other people, instead of criticizing and condemning them outright, you will find that the actions of a person are natural consequences of his thoughts, mental state and world outlook.
This is a pretty obvious thought, but let's dwell on it. Anger and frustration are usually caused by the abyss of misunderstanding, namely the fact that you can not put yourself in the shoes of another person, so some of his actions seem inexplicable, mean and deserving to you.
Imagine that you are rude to some old woman in the subway. I agree that it is very difficult to put yourself in her place if you yourself are not a rude elderly woman. But you can at least a little guess the state of such a person.
People with age have health problems that are bad for their emotional state. For days on end, the woman who has been rude to you spends in queues where she communicates with people who are just as dissatisfied with their lives.
Most likely, there are still some problems in her life, like other people, only she, due to her age, is harder to disengage from them. Her mind is no longer well aware of the difference between good and bad. She does not know how to recognize her emotions and transfers her irritation and discontent to other people. It seems to her that other people owe her unlimited respect only because of her age.
If you try to understand another person at least a little bit, then you are aware of two things.
First, his anger and malice are logical consequences of his own. This is not to say that they are strictly caused by your actions. Their source is the many internal features of this person. At the same time, this person himself considers his actions to be correct and fair! He does not see in them meanness and malicious intent.
He does this not because he is evil or despicable, but for many and many reasons! The actions of each person have their own internal reasons! And if these reasons are even slightly present, we will experience less malice than if we perceive other people's actions in isolation, apart from the causes that cause them.
In this context, this act will not be mean-spirited, but rather, logical. And such actions are much easier to endure.
Secondly, it will be easier for you to put yourself in the place of another person and, because of this, to show more understanding in relation to him. And if you begin to empathize with the person, to feel him, to understand that you yourself may experience the same things as he is experiencing, then your anger and resentment will go away.
Yes, you are not an old woman, but have you never been angry for nothing? Did the pressure at work never provoke you to break the anger on others? Have you never been stubborn, not recognizing your own guilt, which was the place to be?
Perhaps, in your case, the irritation never reached such a limit (although who knows), but all the same, you probably experienced something similar. Therefore, you can understand it. Remembering that you yourself experienced such emotions, you realize that you are not perfect and the behavior that you condemn is also peculiar to you, though, perhaps, not in such an acute form.
Very often, people who criticize others for their shortcomings themselves have similar disadvantages.
Therefore, before getting annoyed because of the actions of others, try to understand the person and put yourself in his place. Think, have you never behaved in a similar way?
Speaking about the reasons for the behavior, I did not try to say that people are not guilty of anything, since their actions are always dictated by the state of their psyche. On the contrary, I stand on the position that the person himself is responsible for his actions. At this point, I spoke solely about understanding motives, about empathy, and not about removing responsibility from someone.
Approach people with a sense of humor
I noticed how much my perception of the shortcomings of some people I have known for a long time has changed. If earlier they caused irritation in me and even infuriated me, now I began to treat them kindly and with humor.
I was very pleased with such a change in me, since I felt that thanks to this I did not fall into anger and retain my good mood and goodwill. After all, it is much better than being angry!
So now I try to treat other people's shortcomings with a good laugh. When I say that people should be approached with humor, I mean a kind, a little indulgent emotion, and not a contemptuous and arrogant mockery.
Previously, the boasting of other people made me dislike. I thought: "what does he think of himself that he allows himself." And now the same people give me only positive emotions. I like to watch them, I see their boasting as an amusing quality rather than an annoying flaw. And the feelings that arise in me are more like affection for a child’s behavior than frustration.
Notice how funny people are and a little ridiculous in their weaknesses. Notice that you yourself can be funny and funny. Find a reason for humor, not indignation.
Do not focus on criticism
From my own experience I know that criticism of other people can be very much carried away. Our imperfect mind finds some secret pleasure in endlessly accusing other people, in discussing their shortcomings. We tend to look for a reason to tell ourselves that others are worse than us.
If you get involved in criticism of others, their shortcomings, then people will turn into walking shortcomings for you. If you look at the bad human sides for a long time, they will acquire grandiose proportions for you, and you will not notice anything good behind them.
Throw criticism, "wash the bones," gossip behind his back and weave intrigue. It will not make you happier!
Notice all the good things in people!
Accept the shortcomings of other people. People are angry, they are greedy, they are lazy, they justify themselves ... Is this news for you? Such is life, accept it!
Remember your imperfection
I noticed a curious thing. In those days, when I did not even think about self-development and had a lot more flaws than I have now, it seemed to me that I was much better than I really am. I did not realize my weaknesses, but for me my good qualities swelled to enormous proportions.
It seemed to me that I was much better than most people, that I was somehow different, special. Because of this, I showed very strong intolerance towards others, as they seemed to me to be some kind of outsiders, not like me, bad.
But, paradoxically, after I took up meditation, self-development, my belief in myself became stronger and I got rid of many of my shortcomings, I began to consider myself a lot less exclusive than I had thought before. My belief in my own perfection has evaporated. I realized my weaknesses. But until then, I was not allowed to do this by my inebriated mind. My intolerance was born out of a false sense of superiority over another, and of a sense of separateness and of other shortcomings.
But when I became more prosperous and developed, I realized that I was much closer to people than I had thought before. I'm not special, but very much at all like. Each person is like the other. I have the same weaknesses, the same fears, the same desires ...
I realized that people have much more in common than differences. And it is this feeling of unity and similarity (similarity in a good sense) that helps me cope with intolerance.
I was convinced that I myself was very far from perfect, that I had weaknesses that sometimes I could not resist, I could be unfair and rude ... Why, then, do others not have the right to do so?
Be free!
You are the person who defines your condition! Do not allow other people to control your condition and spoil your mood with your behavior. Leave other people's problems to strangers. If someone can not restrain his anger, breaks down over trifles, whining and complaining about life, then this is the problem of this person.
Of course, you should not tolerate this if you are the object of his anger, and conflicts arise regularly. But, if this does not concern you and does not happen often, then forget about it. Believe me, people suffer a lot because of their shortcomings. Because they are in love with themselves, because they hate people, because they are filled with anger. This is their problem, and a big problem. They need more understanding than new portions of hate.
If you can't help these people, just forget about them. Do not make their problem their problem! Use your freedom to decide for yourself what your mood will be.
Remember, conflicts do not solve all problems.
Of course, in some situations you have to be tough and hard. But often the response malice can aggravate the situation. Therefore, try to respond less malice to anger.
Responding irritation only aggravates the conflict, heats up emotions, not allowing the other side to admit that they are wrong. In such circumstances, reasonable arguments are drowned in emotions, each side remains with its, and the problem does not receive any solution.
The accumulated tension leads all parties to the conflict in a state of mutual indignation. People stop being focused on solving a problem. Their attention is directed only to their emotions.
Therefore, try not to exacerbate the initially difficult situations, do not bring emotions to the limit, because this is not an option.
Often smile and kindness can do much more than rude words. This can lead to a relaxation of the tense situation and the resolution of the conflict.
Use these peaceful weapons to overcome difficult situations and you will see for yourself how effective they are!
Discipline Your Ego
To some people it may seem that intolerance towards others is proof of their own exclusiveness and superiority over people. So it seemed to me.
Since I constantly criticize people, since their actions always provoke anger in me, it means that I am better and higher than they are, I thought so.
In fact, everything is completely different. The greater the anger in a person, envy, vanity, bitterness, unhappiness - the stronger his intolerance towards other people. His own inner "dirt" is projected on the outside world, on people.
And the happier and more harmonious a person, the less strong vices and passions in him, the less pronounced his Ego, which is jealous, gloating and proud, the stronger his tolerance and love for everyone else.
After all, intolerance does not arise just like that. Часто действия других людей задевают струнки вашей личности: ваша веру в исключительность и важность собственного я, ваше тщеславие, ваши комплексы. Это то, что многие называют Эго.
И чем сильнее Эго человека, тем легче его задеть, оскорбить, обидеть, спровоцировать ненависть и злобу. Следовательно, такому человеку будет очень трудно терпеть других людей.
Поэтому не думайте, что нетерпимость говорит о вашей особенной исключительности. Она является только отражением ваших собственных пороков, ваших внутренних "демонов".
Учитесь сдерживать собственное Эго, контролируйте свои деструктивные эмоции, такие как зависть и гнев. How to do it? Часть информации отражена в моей статье как контролировать свои эмоции.
Быть более спокойным, гармоничным, радостным и, как следствие, более терпимым к людям, вам поможет медитация.
Знаменитая заповедь «возлюби ближнего своего» является для меня высоким духовным ориентиром. И я хочу, чтобы она таковой являлась и для вас, независимо от вашего вероисповедания. Не так просто полюбить людей. Любовь к ближнему следует культивировать и развивать в себе долгое время. И источником этой любви станут не другие люди, а вы сами. Когда вы обнаружите любовь и гармонию внутри себя, эти чувства начнут проецироваться на весь внешний мир!
Conclusion
В заключение хотелось бы еще раз сказать, что не нужно терпеть любые обстоятельства. Если ситуацию терпеть нельзя, то попытайтесь ее решить. Нацельтесь именно на решение проблемы, а не на фрустрацию или оскорбления.
Пытайтесь изменить обстоятельства, в первую очередь, а уж потом кому-то что-то доказывать. Если вас кто-то обижает на работе, направьте свои силы на то, чтобы этого больше не происходило, вместо того, чтобы мстить обидчику и усугублять конфликт.
Будьте спокойны, не позволяйте чужому гневу разжигать гнев и другие негативные эмоции в вас самих. Не позволяйте случайным людям решать, каким будет ваше настроение.
Ищите эффективные пути разрешения конфликтов. Проблемы с другими людьми можно либо решить, воздействуя на других людей, либо игнорировать, либо исключать проблему из своей жизни, либо устранять проблему в себе.
Существует несколько вариантов, помимо "только терпеть". Какой из них выбрать, решайте сами, опираясь на свой опыт, разум и интуицию. Главное - меньше чувств. Будьте конструктивны, а не эмоциональны. И тогда ваш ум подскажет вам правильное решение.
