Sorry, I don’t know if it’s wise at all ... How can I make myself believe and love my children who have betrayed me?
It began when my family broke up and my husband went to another. He called for his daughter, and she went, although the son was also asked to do so. Having lived there for several months, she returned. After our quarrel, she once again left me for my father, it went on like this many times, went here and there, here and there .... As long as my heart could not stand it and I said: "don't come again!" A child was born in that family, and the daughter was no longer needed. And the daughter went to live with her grandmother, my ex-husband's mom ...
Much time has passed since then, the daughter has grown, married, gave birth to a child, but we have no connection with her. She never listened to me, did everything in her own way, even when a sensible solution to the problem was said, she refused ... she did everything in her own way, sometimes to the detriment of her child.
I understand that I am also to blame for missing a moment somewhere, but it seems to me that the situation cannot be returned or corrected. Now she is waiting for the second child, and listens only to her grandmother (my ex-husband’s mother). She insulted me with obscenities, and called my mother with # Coy ...
What can you advise me? The heart can not order to go to it, my legs do not go, but my soul hurts, how are they there? With my ex-husband's mom, we also stopped talking recently. After the divorce from her son (12 years later) we communicated with her for another 12 years: I worked in her garden, went by her car, ate from this garden. Now everything is “torn”, even scary, what will happen next. My mom and my husband's mom just stopped talking to each other only last year ...
Thank you if you find the opportunity to advise me at least something.
Galina Alekseevna
Psychologist comment:
I, as a psychologist, always proceed from the fact that in any, even the most bizarre actions of a person, there is its own internal logic. If it seems to you that this logic - for example, in the behavior of your daughter - is not, then this means that you simply do not see it yet. I had a few ideas about her behavior that I would like to share.
I would venture to suggest that your separation from your husband was not smooth, and you still have a lot of resentment and anger at the man who left you for the sake of another woman.
In divorces, it often happens that a member of a couple more injured by divorce unknowingly, without even realizing it, begins to see in a common child not so much a separate, independent personality as the “continuation” of the person who brought so much pain, which is already one kind day reminds of the former wife. This can lead to frequent quarrels between the injured parent and the younger child.
From what you wrote, you get the feeling that your daughter really didn’t feel at ease in her father’s or your home, and as a result constantly migrated from one house to another, until one day you forbade her to live together with you. For any person to realize that his mother does not accept him - a deep wound that heals (if heals) for a very long time.
If you look at your daughter’s actions from this point of view, her whole behavior turns out to be very understandable. After all this, she will, quite naturally, refuse to accept any advice from you, no matter how reasonable they may seem, and probably will not be interested in at least some kind of communication.
Did your children betray you? Does not look like it. Rather, they tried to find a quiet place, free from quarrels and reproaches, and where there is, if not love, then at least some acceptance of them.
It seems that the only person who performed such maternal functions in relation to your daughter is your former mother-in-law, in whose house there was a place for a girl. Therefore, she listens to her and their relations are, apparently, quite good.
However, you describe your own relations with the mother-in-law as if she and for you carried out some maternal functions: “you went by her car, fed from this garden”. Now “everything broke” - these significant relationships for you are interrupted, and it seems you are very worried ...
Then you write: “I cannot order the heart to go to it, my legs do not go, but my soul hurts, as they are there.” I would suggest that the "legs do not go" to the daughter because of the feeling of guilt that you feel towards her because you could not give her what she needed. Perhaps you yourself once did not receive it from your mother, but this is my assumptions and a completely different story ...
What to do in this situation? If what has been said above makes sense to you, you should start by recognizing this underlying feeling of guilt in front of your daughter and admit that perhaps much of what she accused you is at least partly true; anyway, this is how it looks for your daughter.
And when - and if - this awareness comes, at some point you can catch yourself wanting to tell your daughter that you regret that everything happened.
Do not think that in response to your words of regret, she will at once forgive you everything. It is possible that this will not happen. But it will give at least some chance to improve and, possibly, at least partially restore your relationship.
Psychotherapist, family and matrimonial counselor Yevgeny Makhlin
