Question:
Hello, I will tell in brief.
I am 25, she is 22. She has a boyfriend, but they rarely see each other. He spends time with me a few days a week, he lies to a guy that he was with me. We work in the same organization, sometimes we see each other at work, we met there. At home she has tenderness, affection, hugs (without sex), communication until the morning.
Fell in love with her, admitted, it turned out from her side we are just very good friends, but I see that she had some doubts, waiting for the end of summer to check with her boyfriend.
I don't know what to do ... it's not like a friendship. But the guy she can not quit.
Before this relationship was not long, the girl betrayed and left with another, he was afraid ...
Igor, Saratov
Psychologist's answer:
Thank you for your trust in telling your story. However, I confess: I am confused. You did not ask a single question, just write "I do not know what to do," as if you expect someone else to know it. Alas, it is not so ...
The only thing I can do for you is to describe your feelings about your story and voice the questions that I have. Perhaps all this will push you to think and search for a solution.
Judging by your words, I had a feeling that the girl is playing with you somewhat (I don’t want to say that she wants to hurt you, she may simply not be aware of her inner motives): she flirts with you, gives you hope and even seduces (staying with you until the morning, showing tenderness and embracing), but in words speaks only of "friendship." But you understand that this is no friendship at all and, perhaps, your inner throwing is connected with this: in words she has one thing, but actions speak of something else. And it is completely incomprehensible what role is assigned to you in all this ?!
Although it is probably not even important what role is assigned to you. What matters is how you perceive all this? What do you feel? What do you want from the relationship with this girl? What do you want, in principle, from relationships with girls? Are you ready to make some compromises, share it with another guy, remain “just a friend” or not? Why do you need a relationship where a girl refuses to admit her feelings and plays like a cat with a mouse?
Anyway, the choice in your situation is limited (as in any other). You can:
- Surrender to the will of this girl, continue to play her game and hope for a Happy end (maybe it will happen, only you will pay for it with a decrease in your own self-esteem and constant anxiety until she finds out everything with her boyfriend).
- Take responsibility for yourself and stop communicating with her, disagreeing to play her game, pay for it with pain, perhaps, rather acute, and longing, but defending self-esteem.
- To share with her the responsibility for what is happening and explain that you are not ready for a simple "friendship", that is, to put an ultimatum: either I or he. But be prepared that the choice will not be in your favor. In this case, you get a chance and translate the relationship with a girl in a romantic, and maintain self-esteem, but at the risk of being rejected.
- To accept “friendship” and learn to enjoy communication with her (it is possible that in this case she herself will soon disappear from your life, because, probably, despite her words, the girl is attracted by your love for her).
Of course, some variations of these choices are possible. And in order to make this difficult decision - “what to do next?”, You, first of all, should think about the questions above. After all, only you know the correct answer for yourself.
I repeat once again: I just shared my thoughts and feelings about your letter of 7-8 lines, and my words are not the ultimate truth.
If you have additional questions or comments, contact the contact details listed on my page on the site (see the signature at the end of the answer). If you want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the format of counseling, you can arrange an in-person meeting in Moscow or a Skype-consultation at a convenient time for you.
The main thing to remember: do not try to understand her feelings for you, for her boyfriend, for herself. This is not your task. Your task is to understand your thoughts and plans, understand what you want, and act based on that!
Consultant Psychologist Ksenia Terentyeva
