How to live with the fact that the wife is cheating? Get a divorce But what about happy years, children, love, banal addiction and even jointly acquired property? Forgive? But is it real? How to proceed further, how to make a choice with minimal damage to yourself, is detailed in the article.
What if my wife cheated
Do not hide emotions
What are the feelings usually experienced by someone who has changed? Pain, resentment, disappointment, disgust, humiliation and anger are natural reactions to betrayal. And they cannot be “plugged” in themselves. The injured party has the full right to express these emotions. However, everything should be done with the mind.
Of course, in the first second after discovering such a truth, I want to destroy everything, shout, revenge. Someone immediately runs for a bottle, remembers all the obscene language, or is looking for a lonely place to finally afford to cry. Everyone experiences pain in his own way. And throw out this negative is useful.
But! You shouldn’t go to extreme irretrievable steps, which you will later regret - rush into a fight, cause moderate physical or moral harm to yourself or a traitor, change in response.
- First of allwho knows how the situation will turn out later? Suddenly everything will be a misunderstanding or slander. Or there will be a desire to save the relationship.
- SecondlyIf there are children in the family, this will directly affect them.
- Thirdly, to the insult and other negative emotions then the feeling of guilt will be added. People often regret that they did impulsively. Why add another reason for self-blame?
- Fourtheasier after such acts will not. The pain is not going anywhere, but only will fall double load.
How then to be?
Talk, open your pain, thoughts, as far as it is considered natural and necessary. “You betrayed me and it’s hard for me. I don’t know yet how to proceed. ”. “I didn’t expect treachery from you, it was low of you”. “I don't want to see you now. What you did was ugly and humiliating. ”.
These and similar phrases without direct transition to personalities will help and throw out emotions, and not regret later what was said. In other words, you can condemn her dishonest act, talk about their experiences and how it will affect the whole family. But it is better to refrain from insulting the wife as a person as a whole, especially with other people, at least for now.
Hear her version of events
Treason - an act that is very difficult (if possible at all) to justify. Unless, of course, it really happened, and was not a simple misunderstanding.
However, even if adultery was still important, overcoming his offense, to find out how the spouse herself sees the situation. If the wife turned out to be a pathological traitor, or went to another man, because she loved him, then it is unlikely that she will be able to recover something.
And this is partly good.. These are dead-end and painful situations, but they do away with doubt about what to do next. Such reasons do not cause sweat feeling a la “maybe i could have done something but never did”.
There are other motives, and they are not as unambiguous as one would like:
- slept with another because she was a victim of blackmail (a man threatened with dismissal, physical violence or something like that);
- went for treason because of stupidity or being intoxicated, but at the same time strongly and sincerely regrets about it, makes attempts to stay with her husband, to regain his confidence;
- I found someone on the side, because there are serious problems in the marriage that cannot (or cannot be fixed as it seems) to be fixed. In this case, most likely did not go to meet, because there is a child from a spouse.
None of these reasons will ultimately make life the same, will not cure a fully wound. However, she will give a logical explanation of why the life partner suddenly decided to spoil everything.
Increase the distance
The motive of her act is known - now it is time to move away from her. It is very difficult to think about your decision when the walking cause of pain looms before your eyes.
- It is advisable to leave for a while - to another apartment or even a city, so as not to see the spouse for some time and devote time to their thoughts without distractions. And yes, wife in this regard - the main distraction.
- If you can not move somewhere, you can at least spend the night in different rooms, minimizing all contacts. However, this does not help if the couple lives in a one-room apartment. In this case, there is a third option.
- To declare the traitor: “I do not want you to touch me, call me sweet nicknames or care for me, as before. I (I still love you, but) (so far) cannot accept your act, so it’s hard for me when you do any of the following ”.
The victim has the full right to do so. No excuses like “think about the family”, “what about the children”, “if you would love, you would forgive” are not arguments.
Farther away from his wife, the husband finds out closer to another person - himself. And it is right, a period of solitude should not become self-inflicted. It is needed in order to open your own desires, to consider the circumstances, to define goals, to outline a plan of action.
Often, after a woman's treason, a man becomes ambitious, climbs the career ladder, throws away too much, begins to take more risks and enjoy life. Not immediately, of course, but with time. The main thing - do not let your self-esteem fall to the bottom.
Hear yourself
It is very important to understand whether there is any desire and strength to correct the situation. Is there any love, good memories that you still want to fight for? Because if so, it will be a hard, long journey. There is no point in going through the whole stage or even starting it, if a person is not sure that he wants to be with the one who changed him. You can ask yourself a few questions:
- Will I not remind her of her offense at the slightest quarrel if I decide to stay?
- Will I then calmly respond when someone calls her or does she stay at work for a couple of minutes, mention some man in the story, etc.?
- Children may not be aware of the whole picture, but they will surely notice and feel changes in the relations of the parents. How to explain it to them?
- What rules will have to set to make life together better?
- Will I not feel disgust in bed - during or after having sex with her?
None of these questions will be able to give a definite answer. The only thing is whether you want to strain at all and find a way out of each situation. If yes, then it's time to get down to business, if not - the advice is the same.
Take the final step
Possible to-do list if you decide to divorce:
- officially file for divorce;
- decide on the division of property, who will care for pets;
- find out who the children will stay with and agree on a schedule of meetings with them for the parent, with whom they will not live;
- talk with children, parents, maybe mutual friends and explain the situation to them;
- if difficulties arise, hire a divorce lawyer;
- provide yourself with housing (move out to your parents, to the country, to a rented apartment, or to defend the right to current housing)
What can be done, if you decide to forgive and stay:
- seek help from a family psychotherapist;
- hold a serious conversation with his wife and make sure that she also wants to restore the family;
- arrange a second honeymoon, go somewhere and be alone together;
- throw all the trash out of the house, change the furniture arrangement in the apartment, do a major overhaul or change the housing / city / country altogether so that the old situation does not resemble a painful period
- explain to children that mom and dad are experiencing a relationship crisis and they need time to cope with it.
Both options are complex, require a lot of nerves and strength. It is better to think about everything first, so that you do not regret your decision halfway to the result.
What to avoid if the spouse has changed
Rush to the feet
No one appreciates that without effort. If the wife has betrayed her husband, and he also begs her to stay, nothing good will come of it. A woman will not value her husband, and he will only humiliate herself and cause herself even more pain.
A man will definitely not get better if wounded pride is added to his loyal feelings.
Impulsively burn all bridges
We'll have to be prudent, despite the fact that it is very difficult in this situation. Although the spouse has already “broken the wood”, there is no point in aggravating everything with ill-considered actions or words. Dissolve then it will be even more difficult.
What has been done is not to return, and quarrels and a final break can arouse a sense of guilt, helplessness and even more cornering.
Ask friends for advice
It is good if an experienced psychologist is among the friends, but such comrades are, frankly, extremely rare. Of course, you can share your grief with your closest, proven buddies. But only in order to pour out the soul, get rid of heavy thoughts, emotions. Council is better not to ask.
- If they are mutual friends, they can take the side of the wife. Or, on the contrary, then with his wife, quarrels will begin about the fact that the husband “lured” everyone to his side and generally plays the victim out of himself (although the husband is really the injured party).
- They will advise “urgently get a divorce” without even understanding the whole situation, simply because their friend is in pain. They can be understood, but not then they live with the thought that everything could be corrected.
- There is someone who says “think about the children” or something like that. Even in an apparently impasse, this will cause doubts in its decision. In other words, it will not be an independent choice, but inspired by.
- “When a friend was suddenly ...”. One of these people may simply be profitable for a man to make a certain decision. A long-time love friend who saw her chance. The secret admirer of his wife, in which there was hope.
- No matter how the situation finally resolves, the friends will remain silent (or not) witnesses of an unpleasant event and an eternal reminder of it.
Close friends are good, but decisions about personal life are made independently and regardless of their opinions.
That the wife is cheating does not end with shattered happiness and loss of the meaning of life. Often this is an impetus for change in oneself, “opening of eyes”, self-development. Whether the spouses will stay together at the same time or they will disperse - it is all the same, albeit a hard, but invaluable lesson. Either he will force to look at himself from the other side, or he will teach in a different way, to choose people more carefully.
