You do not know how to improve relationships with adult children?
Psychologists studying family relationships make recommendations.
Why is the relationship with an adult child 20-30 years of age spoiled?
Even when the child is already grown up, the parents still perceive it as part of yourself.
It is difficult for them to imagine that their children are now independent individuals who themselves build their lives, solve problems.
Often parents do not stop trying to control your child, even if he is 20, 30 and more years old.
Themselves grown children, of course, seek independence. They do not need parental control, moreover, it can be unpleasant and becomes the cause of alienation and the desire to be as far from home as possible.
A single mother may strive to do everything possible so that their daughter or son continues to live with her, not allowing them to create their own family. It also causes disagreement and constant stress on both sides.
If even in adulthood there is a strong dependence on the opinions and desires of the mother, then the grown children continue to be obedient, obey the parent and are afraid to go against his will.
One day this may cause total disobediencewhen the child finally decides to get out of control, but the parent does not want to let him go.
The result is a conflict, departure, a situation where children generally stop communicating with their parents, not wanting to be under their care again.
Another reason why the relationship with father and mother is spoiled is disagreement.
The teenager becomes a full-fledged person with his own interests, aspirations, motives.
He may refuse to go to college for a specialty that his parents like. May have a perfect atypical hobbieswhich also cause constant reproaches from the older generation.
Choose a job that parents do not like. Or create a family with a person not your levelaccording to father and mother.
Wanting to build their own lives, the individual resists constant pressure and interference in its affairs.
In this way, main reasons spoiled relationship:
- the desire to retain full control over the son or daughter after attaining majority;
- difference of opinion;
- disobeying the will of the parents;
- father or mother does not like the choice of their child;
- children tend to leave care, while the parent believes that their child must be near;
- violation of boundaries - parents in every way seek to get into the affairs of their children, give advice, based on their own experience and life ideas, while children want to act differently;
- selfishness on the part of parents - I raised you, now you have to help me, provide, obey, be near.
Of course, there may be other reasons, for example, when children lead a wrong lifestyle, abuse alcohol, games, go to crime.
In this case, the natural desire of parents to help and pull them out of the unfavorable situation.
However, they do not take into account the fact that the wrong lifestyle often becomes consequence of omissions in the process of education.
Who is to blame for resentment and alienation?
In every family relationship stack individually, that is, it is impossible to unequivocally say that in all families the same reasons and specific people are to blame.
However, we must take into account the fact that the parents were initially educated and the first years of their life a person mainly spends in a certain social environment - the family, and only then in educational institutions.
Parents put in certain notions about life, form principles and attitudes. Son and daughter take their cue from the older generationsee the way of interaction.
That is, the social environment directly affects how a person grows up and how he will relate to others.
If the family don't respect eldersit is difficult to expect a different attitude from descendants.
This does not mean at all that the parents are completely to blame for what is happening. Grown up children are already responsible for their lives, the way they communicate with others, the ability to smooth out sharp corners in time.
But that was the world, both sides must work for it. The child is not obliged to fully agree with the requirements of the mother, as she tolerate a negative attitude towards him.
Looking for who is to blame, it is necessary to analyze the situation in the family as a whole, starting from childhood, to assess the reasons for the conflicts, who initiated it, what type of parenting was used.
If the mother or father does not want to release adult children out of their control, they will have to reconsider their attitude towards them, get rid of the fear of being alone, if such are present.
Prevents the release of grown children and own egoism. How often we hear the expression - we give birth to children, so that there is someone to give a glass of water in old age.
This approach to offspring leads only to reproaches, attempts to cause a feeling of guilt and make yourself addicted.
In order to improve relations, one must first of all want this, the best option is if both parties want it.
But the parent can make concessions in order to change relationships with children for the better.
We are making contact with our daughter
Establishing relationships right away will not be easy if they have not been formed since childhood. Have to show tact, patience, somewhere compromise.
- Understand that daughter already an adult, a separate person, able to manage their own lives.
Yes, you, as a mother, are worried, want to help, give advice that is correct from your point of view. But your approach is not always acceptable for the modern generation.
- You'll have to let go of the daughter inwardly - she is no longer small, and is now responsible for her life.
- Speak. A heart-to-heart talk brings one closer, allows one to get to know a person better. Perhaps you think that you have learned everything in your daughter, but after all, she most likely does not discover many experiences. This is due to the low level of trust. Learn to conduct a dialogue in a positive way - be interested, but do not criticize, give advice when asked, and not because you think your approach is correct.
- If you feel guilty about something, ask for forgiveness. Not talked for many years - someone first must go to the contact.
- Do not expect relationships to improve immediately time needs to pass.
- Be interested in life, plans, but so that it does not look like a way to control. If the daughter does not want to talk about something, do not try to find out, do not blame.
- Imagine how would you feel in a situation of tight control - so why do you think it can be nice to your daughter.
Mothers subconsciously often envy their daughters - she is still young and beautiful, like men, while the older generation is approaching old age. In this situation, you first need to accept yourself, your age.
Do not blame your failures on daughter. There are cases when the mother says - I gave birth to you, so I did not enter the institute, my career did not work out. No, the daughter is not to blame for this at all, because you yourself decided what was going to happen in your life.
How to find a common language with your son?
Daughters tend to be closer to their mother than sons.
The boy wants to leave home as soon as possible and start independent life. This is a natural solution, and parents should not discourage this.
If the son is already an adult, then he has the right to choose his own life path, but some parents continue to consider him a child, imposing their own opinion and control.
How to improve relationships:
- accept that the son is already an adult and independent person;
- give the opportunity to make decisions;
- be interested in life without criticism and unnecessary care;
- forget about your own egoism and the desire to keep children as long as possible near - you do not allow it to fully develop;
- do not encroach on his freedom, do not seek to restrict everything;
- joint activities will help to unite, for example, repair, work on the country.
It can be difficult for parents to accept that their son is an adult. There is a category of mothers who will seek to keep children under control, even if they are 40 years old.
That is why parents are important. work on your inner state. Requires the ability to release the grown child from the care of the family.
Your son will make a choice, and that is his choice.
Yes, you can give advice if you are asked, but try show less criticism, so as not to alienate him even further.
His decisions will not always be true, but this is his life experience.
If you want to convey some thought, then communicate without reproach, in a benevolent tone. Perhaps the son does not agree with you, take it for granted - he is entitled to his own opinion.
Relationship with an adult son! Advice to mother-in-law:
What if the child does not want to communicate?
The situation when grown-up children stop communicating is quite common. The main reason - excessive parental pressure, their failure to accept a different opinion than their own.
Constant criticism, reproaches to the children cause in them only the desire to be as far as possible from their parents.
Remember the last time you told your children? It is possible that tried to make them feel guilty, telling how much you have invested in them. In your words there was only a reproach, but not love.
Will the child want to listen to it over or over again or is it easier for him to leave? If grown-up children refuse to communicate, then most likely there were constant conflicts in the family, excessive guardianship, or, conversely, a totalitarian parenting style.
Naturally, upon reaching the age of majority, and sometimes even earlier, children tend to leave such a family, often stopping any contact with relatives.
What to do:
- ask for a meeting;
- ask, how are you, what's new, what are your plans for life;
- accept everything said, do not criticize, do not give unnecessary advice, just communicate to find out how your child lived all this time;
- communicate as equals;
- Appreciate the identity of your child, his freedom of choice;
- ask for forgiveness - there is always something for that, do not necessarily expect the same gesture from your child, give him time;
- if it is impossible to meet, try to talk on the phone - also friendly, without reproaches.
Remember, to build relationships, someone must first take the initiative.
Go to contact without pressure, but with the desire to be closer, to become your son or daughter friend and support, and then they will answer the same.
